YOU CAN'T FIRE ME, I QUIT!


AN OPEN LETTER TO THE READERS OF THIS SITE, FROM THE DESK OF ALEX “HAN SOLEX’ KIERSTEIN
Dear Readers,
Before they lock me out of the Hooniverse offices for good, I have to share with the world the hideous perversion of ethical journalism that has sickened me for the last time. I am hereby resigning my position as a contributor to this site, effective immediately. The whole sad story is after the jump.

When I wandered into the offices here in Springfield for the first time as a starry-eyed young buck, fresh from typewriter school, with a pencil stuck behind one ear and a lucky sparkplug poking out of my pocket protector, I knew a couple of things. You can’t ever, ever, get a Chevy Vega started if the temperature’s below freezing, and editorial integrity is as constant as a Corvette Z06’s breakaway characteristics. We were real journalists, moral crusaders, shining Marschal driving lights into the deepest recesses of the automotive underbelly. We weren’t raking muck! We weren’t lipsticking up the foul pigs of the status quo! We didn’t bow down to any Black Golden Calves!

The first sign of malaise in the newsroom …

And then things changed. Subtly at first. “Alex, enough about Datsuns. We’re more of a Hino site.” Fair enough. After all, I was assured, these were “editorial improvements.” Have to toe the line, right? I redoubled my effort to purge the vanilla from my Neapolitan ice cream sandwich of automotive exotica, but I wanted to keep things above board. I knew our advertisers liked it. But wasn’t it dishonest? We worked so hard to set up a bulwark against outside influence, common across all platforms, to “obscure up” the content. It’s natural to want to avoid biting the hand that changes your oil. One of our biggest accounts, OSCA, was notoriously blunt in demanding that we “out-Etceterini Etceterini!” We held them at bay as long as we could, knowing that our independence depended on it. And then the walls came a-tumblin’ down, all biblical-like.
This is journalism, dammit!

I’ve had it now. The final manual choke has been pulled. We’re journalists, dammit – overworked, underpaid, but principled! We can’t be bought and junked sold like so many first-generation Kia Sportages! When my Jensen GT piece went to print earlier today, I was confident that the tone I’d set for the piece would remain undiluted, and never in my wildest dreams could I imagine that a certain unnamed dealer of particularly obscure vehicles would have the nerve to issue an ultimatum to our editors – change the piece or else! Too vanilla, they whined! What is this, a wimpy suck-up site like The Truth About Cars?
Sadly, our editors complied with their immoral request and the pieces was changed without my knowledge or authorization and after publication! Just look and see for yourself! I’ve managed to tag their edits, who knows how long they’ll remain? For the record, had these changes been made before publication, as is the proper method, the thin ice would not have been broken. That I allowed these changes to be made sickens me. The only thing left to do is resign.
It’s been a long and windy road, friends. See you on down the turnpike.
This post is lightheartedly sponsored by Alvis Motorcars in support of Scott Burgess, formerly of the Detroit News.

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60 responses to “YOU CAN'T FIRE ME, I QUIT!”

  1. John Heylin Avatar

    Lame! That sucks man. I hope you find another venue to continue writing what you want without being screwed over by editors.

    1. Alex Kierstein Avatar
      Alex Kierstein

      Yeah, well after I machine-gun the place, then burn it, then nuke it from orbit (just to be sure) … then they won't screw over anyone ever again!
      (Also, see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Modest_Proposal, and then read the very last hyperlink in this post, then read the post again. After that I'll tell you where you can send the condolences flowers.)

      1. AteUpWithMotor Avatar
        AteUpWithMotor

        Much as I hate to contract Sigourney Weaver, sometimes I dunno if nuking things from orbit is really all that sure.

  2. skitter Avatar
    skitter

    How many of your personalities should I assume are on the loose at any given time?

    1. Alex Kierstein Avatar
      Alex Kierstein

      Does this count the voices in my head? Cuz there's at least 4 of those.

    2. FuzzyPlushroom Avatar
      FuzzyPlushroom

      Hey, been there, done that.
      In a certain literal sense.
      What?

  3. M600 v MP412C Avatar
    M600 v MP412C

    Wow. I read this site everyday and I do NOT take it that seriously. Editors, back off.

    1. Alex Kierstein Avatar
      Alex Kierstein

      You tell 'em!

  4. longrooffan Avatar

    Say it ain't so, Alex, say it ain't so.

    1. Alex Kierstein Avatar
      Alex Kierstein

      It ain't so.

  5. ZomBee Racer Avatar

    Lol, I don't understand… so here's some bacon-turtle-dogs.
    <img src="http://i525.photobucket.com/albums/cc336/solanabeacher/bacon_turtledogs.png&quot; width= "500" />

    1. Alex Kierstein Avatar
      Alex Kierstein

      Hmmm … principles are not this delicious. I'll take my job back, no strings attached, for a couple of these puppies.

      1. Deartháir Avatar
        Deartháir

        No. Get out.

        1. highmileage_v1 Avatar
          highmileage_v1

          Harsh, dude. Cut his massive salary instead. Snort.

          1. Deartháir Avatar
            Deartháir

            I dunno. If he was willing to work for nothing, his salary might br appropriate to his quality of work…

          2. JacobDFriedman Avatar
            JacobDFriedman

            I think we should just pitch in and get him some Timmeh's and maybe he'll stop complaining about these so-called principles he has.

  6. Ambersand Avatar

    Awesome.

  7. facelvega Avatar
    facelvega

    As a longtime advertiser on this site, Facel Vega regrets any wrongdoing on the part of the editors that may or may not have been influenced by angry phonecalls, rescinded club memberships, or drive-by froggings carried out by Jean Daninos et Co., Facel Vega s. a. Also, we never told Kierstein we wouldn't let him drive the HK500 ever again, that was totally unsubstantiated and this whole matter has been blown way out of proportion.

    1. Alex Kierstein Avatar
      Alex Kierstein

      It's been blown further out of proportion than the door flex on a Facel Vega Excellence in a tight turn.

  8. Tomsk Avatar

    No wonder you've been wearing a trenchcoat lately…
    [youtube rGIY5Vyj4YM http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGIY5Vyj4YM youtube]

  9. Black Steelies Avatar

    Controversial.

  10. Deartháir Avatar
    Deartháir

    Fuck, it's about time. I've been trying to fire his ass for months, but every time, it's just more grovelling, and Tim caves again. "Oh, no, but I promise I'll make it up on the next Citroen article! I know my last four articles have been crap, and I take way too long to put together a Hoonicast, but I can change!"
    He's lucky Tim is such a big softhearted pushover. So cuddly and coddling and affectionate, what with signing off every email with, "Hugs and kisses, Tim". If I were in charge here, I'd have tossed you out the first time you pissed off our myriad advertisers. But no, the big pushovers let you stay.
    In short, Kierstein, get the hell out of here.

    1. Tim Odell Avatar
      Tim Odell

      I'm cuddly like rusty razor wire.
      Re: pushover…more like a weeble-wobble. I never fall down…or saying that I totally rock, take your pick.

  11. IronBallsMcG Avatar
    IronBallsMcG

    Mr. Solex, I am firmly in your corner and therefore resign my Hooniverse Premium Membership, along with all benefits accorded, including the member's lounge.
    Except for bacon turtles. I need some of those.

    1. Smells_Homeless Avatar
      Smells_Homeless

      Take that stinky corner with you.

  12. From_a_Buick_6 Avatar
    From_a_Buick_6

    What just happened? Sorry, my sarcasm/farce detector is broken today. The whole Burgess editing/resignation nonsense is one of the many reasons why I walked away from Jalopnik for good today.

    1. Tim Odell Avatar
      Tim Odell

      I'm sooooo sorry to hear about your sarcasm detector.

      1. muthalovin Avatar

        And with that bit of sarcasm, Mad_Science hit 100. Congratulations, you failure.

      2. highmileage_v1 Avatar
        highmileage_v1

        The Sarcasm Society, like we sooo need your opinion.

  13. muthalovin Avatar

    This is the last manual choke pull that broke the carburetors back! I do believe I will turn over my muthalovin license, and quit guessing NSX during every mystery car.

    1. ZomBee Racer Avatar

      That's not funny.

      1. FuzzyPlushroom Avatar
        FuzzyPlushroom

        You're right – it certainly isn't. Doesn't look like these at all.
        <img src="http://www.site.collectabylls.com/images/funny_car1.jpg"&gt;
        No, what we've witnessed above is clearly an NSX.

      2. muthalovin Avatar

        I know. I should not joke like that.

  14. PowerTryp Avatar
    PowerTryp

    Umm guys?! April 1st isn't for another two weeks.

    1. Alex Kierstein Avatar
      Alex Kierstein

      Spoiler alert: April 1st is when they joke that they've hired me back.

  15. highmileage_v1 Avatar
    highmileage_v1

    Journalism? Editors? Bacon-turtle-dogs? There must be a full moon tonight.

    1. LTDScott Avatar

      Actually, there is. Not just that, but it's a Supermoon! http://earthsky.org/tonight

      1. scroggzilla Avatar
        scroggzilla

        Which is like a Super Snipe, but with a mere celestial body in lieu of one of the fine products of the Rootes Group.

        1. FuzzyPlushroom Avatar
          FuzzyPlushroom

          By that logic, a Super Snipe makes a snipe hunt considerably less impossible.

  16. Smells_Homeless Avatar
    Smells_Homeless

    Well, bye.
    😉

  17. Jim Brennan Avatar
    Jim Brennan

    Good, now I can get the proper credit for participating in the podcast. Oh, and I want a raise…. and his access code to the test fleet… and his microphone he uses for the podcast… and a couple of those Turtle Dogs…

  18. Lotte Avatar
    Lotte

    So OSCA and Alvis aren't our sponsors? Bummer.
    Also, Fool me once, gentlemen…

  19. Thrashy Avatar

    But how do we spin this so Hooniverse can take credit when Alex's claims turn out to be true? I'M SO CONFUSED!

  20. Alex Kierstein Avatar
    Alex Kierstein

    I woulda been real good to ya, Scroggs. Well, now I'm married to Christ … so you missed out.

  21. ptschett Avatar
    ptschett

    "Have to toe the line, right?"
    I'll have you know that on my first pass I read this as "heel and toe the line". However, I may be under the influence of New Belgium Brewing Co.'s lovely "1554".

    1. Alex Kierstein Avatar
      Alex Kierstein

      DUDE. I really wish I'd hit on that joke. I may steal this from you for future Hooniverse posts.

  22. wunno sev Avatar
    wunno sev

    Hooniverse needs to be hooked up with a lithographed-'zine CSS style.

  23. OA5599 Avatar
    OA5599

    Please come back so that when the Hooniverse sale to AOL closes, our strike will have more impact.
    http://www.examiner.com/social-change-in-national

  24. RichardKopf Avatar
    RichardKopf

    WINNING!

  25. FuzzyPlushroom Avatar
    FuzzyPlushroom

    I'm just here for the thumbs-upping and Scotch-on-the-rocks party. Pay no heed to the fungus in the corner, unless 'heed' involves spirits and ice.

  26. Deartháir Avatar
    Deartháir

    Wait… this was all a joke? He's not really leaving?
    Well fuck. All those celebratory drinks for nothing!

  27. dukeisduke Avatar
    dukeisduke

    When I started reading this, I thought, "Scott Burgess and the DetNews". You can watch the streaming video of this week's "Autoline After Hours" to get the full scoop:
    http://www.ustream.tv/channel/autoline
    Open question – is that a Sam Adams that John McElroy is drinking?

  28. texan_idiot25 Avatar
    texan_idiot25

    So when is the Jalopnik interview going to be posted?

    1. ZomBee Racer Avatar

      What is this Ja-slop-ick you speak of?

      1. vwminispeedster Avatar
        vwminispeedster

        Jerk-lopnik

  29. bzr Avatar

    Hooniverse has no gud cotomer sevis. You gust lost sale.
    Bitch.

    1. muthalovin Avatar

      Han_Solex: Ran when parked.

  30. jeremy![™] Avatar

    ive been away too long. what the hell is going on here!

    1. Deartháir Avatar
      Deartháir

      That'll learn ya for ignoring us.

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