What Would You Do With Three Yugos?

Dear God, they're respawning!

One is lonely, two is company, and three’s a crowd…which is precisely what your spouse will say if you drag home three Yugos. Looks like somebody’s sleeping on the couch tonight.

What can you do with three Yugos, anyway? After all, you sure as hell couldn’t drive them. Not for sanity’s sake, anyway; there have even been revisions to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, covering behavioral conditions in relation to Yugo ownership. Why not restore the three? Ha, ha, ha!…please don’t make me shoot Yoo-Hoo out my nose. LeMons racing is too painful, plus, it’s already been done (with an unsurprising lack of success), so no creative points there, bucko. Fiddling with one of the four-wheeled punch lines is an exercise in futility, much less owning three of the cursed things. May God have mercy on our collective souls.
Imagine walking into your garage every day and seeing THIS.

But if you somehow find yourself owning three examples of the worst form of transportation invented by mankind since the Catherine wheel, don’t despair: there’s still plenty of fun to be had while your bank foreclosure officer programs your number into his Speed-dial. What can you do with three Yugos, anyway? Here are a few suggestions:
Take revenge on your neighbors. Park them on your lawn and watch property values plummet!
Host an Evel Knievel Day! Build a ramp of plywood, corrugated roofing and leftover PVC piping. Then, invite friends and family to try their luck jumping over Yugos on a vintage Puch moped or Schwinn Stingray. Can they jump all three? Will they show tenacity in the face of danger? Will they beat up their publicist with a baseball bat? Fun for the whole family! (Note: consult a lawyer first.)
Show them off at Burning Man. The shock in seeing a Yugo that hasn’t been cut up into an avant-garde, boundary-pushing art car will overwhelm the artsy community to the point that you’ll be the subject of 4 or 5 low-budget, soul-searching existentialist documentaries.
Create the next Truckasaurus. “Coming soon to the Nassau Coliseum: Son of Truckasaurus! Weighing in at 1800 pounds, he’s the mean, lean, chompin’ machine from the Iron Curtain, here to destroy cars into scrap metal, if he doesn’t become it first!”
Green living is quite a fad now, with people paying huge bucks to live in prefabricated trailers homes with low carbon footprints and sustainable materials. Big deal. The Yugo was the original modular housing: after all, it succeeded at standing still a lot better than when it was actually moving. Hang a planter from the radio antenna; replace the carpets with chic, eco-friendly bamboo flooring; collect rainwater pooling in the wheelwells. The Yugo is certainly sustainable, as it can be recycled into rust. Plus, if you play your cards right, you’ll be able to tap into the same reason the Toyota Prius is so popular: picking up hippie chicks. It’ll be the first time somebody’s picked up a girl with a Yugo since Armand Hammer.
In Monopoly, some people go out of their way to snatch up the cheap properties, Baltic and Mediterranean, just so they can build 20 hotels and ensnare those who have just passed Go and collected their 200 bucks. Slumlord! Owning three Yugos is the automotive equivalent of this. With a bit of creative marketing, this hackneyed analogy could even be a moneymaker…
Ever been in a Yugo before? Its reputation certainly precedes it, but not many can remember the last time anybody’s seen one even in a Pick-A-Part, much less on the street terrifying the motorists of Muskingum County, Ohio. Well, residents of Zanesville, here’s your chance! Park your Yugos in the back and charge admission to climb in and around the strange, mysterious artifacts. Play with the handbrake lever; experience the brittleness of the glove box door. (Alternatively, you break it, you buy it.) They shall serve as a warning to future generations—to show just how low we can sink, and how never to repeat such tragedies.
Find out how many people you can fit in a Yugo. For a bigger challenge, do the same with Golden Corral patrons. Bookies are standing by.
Hire some henchmen and be well on your way to assembling your very own personal army, starting with inexpensive, easy-to-repair, disposable scout cars! Perfect for unleashing chaos and mayhem on a limited budget!
Two words: drivable parade balloons. Get on it, America.
Hang two of them off this man’s bumper. Or three, if you’re into that sort of thing.
Rub it in the face of your Cimarron-driving neighbor.
If anything, they would make a pretty good boat dock or artificial reef.
Two more words: tax write-off. I’m sure some creative accounting, Goldman-Sachs-style, could elude the nefarious gaze of the SEC. You might even win an award if you successfully pull it off. Ever wanted to meet Jon Stewart?
On a similar note, it’s NPR fundraising time again, and you do not want to mess with Ira Glass. Skinny guys fight ’til they’re burger.
Don't let the glasses fool you: he will mess you up.

If those ideas have ever appealed to you, then here’s your chance to own three Yugos yourself. What other hilarious, Section-8-inducing ideas can you come up with? Sound off in the comments!
[Image source: Flickr]

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  1. lilwillie Avatar

    What would I do if I had those three Yugos? Expect a .308 in my sleep from my wife..

  2. microbuss Avatar

    I'd use 2 for parts & one to make a BBQ out of! lol

  3. Chauncey Campos Avatar

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    1. Jim Brennan Avatar

      Are you kidding?

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