Valet Perspective: Seven Annoying Car Features

I’ve been a valet for three years now and in that time I’ve had to park a lot of different cars. Some of them are a total joy and others are, well, not. So I talked with some of my coworkers and we came up with some of the things that just piss us off. While some of them are completely trivial they do still bug us so take it with a grain of salt. They aren’t the sole reason I wouldn’t buy the car but probably would be something I would consider. So with that let’s get into it.

1. The BMW door lock

I have no idea whose idea it was to put the BMW door unlock button in the dead center of the car but it’s the one that was the first thing to come to mind for almost all of us. The fact that the doors don’t all unlock when you put it in Park is bad enough, but then when we have to scramble to find it so that we can get the other door. It usually leads to an awkward situation where you have to reach all the way back into the car to grab it.

2. That foam Honda steering wheel

I see how that foam material could sound like a good idea to the civic designer of the early 2000s. Cheap and comfortable, what could go wrong? The amount of times I’ve plopped into one of these things and walked out to see my hands covered with black specks is more than I’d like to admit. Countless days of being baked in the sun take a big toll on the material and it’s honestly just nasty.

3. Maserati Ghibli’s elephant key fob

Most key fobs are fine nowadays, but one of the absolute worst has to be the Maserati Ghibli. The thing weighs like 10 pounds for no reason at all. Sure the weight might give you some kind of sense of power or authority but it’s really awkward to handle. The drivers usually have just the fob so we have to tie a rubber band on it. That’s fine but then when we hang it up it drags down like an anchor.

4. Range Rover and Jaguar shifter and reverse camera lag

This one is a little more trivial than the others but still worth mentioning. This mostly applies to the new but are slightly older models where the gear shift pops up. It’s cool and gimmicky but there are a few seconds of lag once it’s up and that’s after already waiting for it to come up initially. Then you want to quickly throw it in reverse only to be met with a black screen that takes about 5 seconds to pop up. Not the biggest deal but annoying when we are trying to get cars parked as fast as we can.

5. Cars that apply the parking brake when you open the door

Nowadays most cars have pretty decent backup cameras. But sometimes you just wanna be sure and check the line for yourself, especially when you’re going to be jumping out right away. It’s one of the most frustrating things to have to close the door, put it back into drive, and push the parking brake button again just to move it a few more inches. Audi, Mercedes, and BMW are the biggest offenders but they aren’t the only ones.

6. The Tahoe/Suburban shifters that skip past reverse

As a valet, we use Reverse a lot.  So when I’m getting ready to back this thing up I’d like to actually get it into reverse. The newer models don’t do this anymore (yet) but I swear they try and avoid reverse. Park? You got it chief. No? Oh, you wanted Reverse! How about neutral? And there I sit looking like an idiot as I fiddle around just trying to get the thing into gear.

7. Limousine tint

Probably 80 percent of the time I’m working at night time and if not then it will be soon. So when someone pulls up in their double-wide Silverado with limo tint on every single window I know I’m in for a good time. Because who would ever want to see out their windows? Not me. And on top of it all, it’s usually an older one so it doesn’t even have a backup camera. Gotta go and get a spotter I guess.

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19 responses to “Valet Perspective: Seven Annoying Car Features”

  1. Clawbrant Avatar
    Clawbrant

    Never been a valet, but I used to do state inspections which involves a similar level of jumping in and out of a wide variety of cars. By far the worst feature was automatic power seats in cars owned by short drivers. Get in, turn the key, panic as the seat tries to crush you like a trash compactor.

  2. Clawbrant Avatar
    Clawbrant

    Never been a valet, but I used to do state inspections which involves a similar level of jumping in and out of a wide variety of cars. By far the worst feature was automatic power seats in cars owned by short drivers. Get in, turn the key, panic as the seat tries to crush you like a trash compactor.

    1. danleym Avatar
      danleym

      I’ve had that experience a few times. Accompanied by the frantic searching for the switch to push the seat backwards.

    2. Colby Buchanan Avatar

      Definitely been there before too! I know people hate it when their settings change so I try my best to never move it.

  3. 0A5599 Avatar
    0A5599

    Usually when I inform a valet that my car is carbureted and start giving details of how many pumps of the gas pedal it will take to set the choke and prime the carb without flooding, based on the ambient temperature and elapsed time the car has been parked, then when I return to retrieve my car, it is parked out front in a prime spot. They hand me the keys and hold the door and do not attempt to start the car for me.

    1. Colby Buchanan Avatar

      Yeah I never want to risk messing something up so that’s a good way of getting the VIP spots.

  4. Zentropy Avatar
    Zentropy

    Personally, I like the BMW lock switch locations, but it does make more sense to have them on the doors.

    1. Lokki Avatar
      Lokki

      My new 5 Series has the door lock/unlock buttons on the door panel, up high. I personally find it annoying since I’ve been driving BMW’s for 20 years now and so I automatically look for the lock button with my right hand, not my left.

  5. Robby Avatar
    Robby

    How about the Nissans that don’t unlock when you put it in park and you’re in a hurry to get out of the car, only to find yourself in a locked car momentarily. The ford fusions with the broken inner door handle that you have to grab the lock and the door handle to open the door. Also, on the ones that have the memory seats, I try to frantically look for the number 2 setting, because the husband is hopefully taller than his wife, before it crushes me like the junkyard owner in Christine. Valet for 12 years and in no way is that depressing. https://media3.giphy.com/media/26DN0yMxjDnfTBOHC/giphy.gif

    1. outback_ute Avatar
      outback_ute

      Many cars have one pull on the door handle unlock the door, then you have to pull it again to open the door.

  6. Troggy Avatar
    Troggy

    Confession of a course car driver: Whenever I have to do an inspection lap at the track I work at, I usually prefer to take the slow junky 400,000km Hiace instead of anything modern.
    Auto handbrakes work differently on every car as described. Automatic door locks are a PITA when having to jump in and out constantly, as are seat belt alarms. Anti-carjack features interfere if stopping and starting a lot.
    In one car I had, the fuel would slosh to one side of the tank on every hard corner, It would think that it was low on fuel, and the GPS display would light up suggesting nearby petrol stations. On every corner.
    Part of the job is to report on traction levels which is difficult to feel with AWD, TC and ABS that can’t be switched off.
    Auto door locks are also an embarrassment when picking somebody up trackside. Almost worse are child safety locks, when back seat passengers think that they are trapped inside – and they are usually jangled after a lap or two at ‘best, safest’ speed (Race control’s euphemism for “Hurry the hell up I have a schedule to keep”).

    I want cars to have an “Adult Mode” to make them operate as a simple four wheels and a seat when required.

    1. Zentropy Avatar
      Zentropy

      I want cars to have an “Adult Mode” to make them operate as a simple four wheels and a seat when required.

      ^ THIS ^

    2. Zentropy Avatar
      Zentropy

      I want cars to have an “Adult Mode” to make them operate as a simple four wheels and a seat when required.

      ^ THIS ^

    3. Zentropy Avatar
      Zentropy

      I want cars to have an “Adult Mode” to make them operate as a simple four wheels and a seat when required.

      ^ THIS ^

    4. Tiller188 Avatar
      Tiller188

      When Genesis introduced the G70 and announced that they would be offering it with a manual transmission, I was very pleasantly surprised. I was floored, however, when I discovered that they completely redesigned the center console specifically for the manual trans version, so that while most G70s have an electronic parking brake, the manuals get a good old fashioned handbrake.

      It does, however, auto-lock the doors for me once I get under way. Oh well, it’s also smart enough to auto-unlock (at least the front doors, but I think all) when the handles are pulled.

      1. Colby Buchanan Avatar

        I actually just heard about the G70 having a manual trans. Super off topic but I feel like it doesnt fit. It looks and feels more like a S class Benz if it were to have one.

  7. salguod Avatar

    I was a valet in the early 90s. No backup cameras, heck only the luxury cars had key fobs, but I think.

    The automatic seat belts were the worst. Open the door and lean out looking for the owner at the same time and the motorized belt would retract and try to decapitate you.

    The GM Dustbuster vans were impossible to park nose into the wall accurately. The dash was so deep you couldn’t judge where the bumper was.

    We had fun watching the new guys try to figure out where to put the key in the Saabs.

    Car controls and features were pretty uniform then, so we didn’t have to deal with oddball shifters and key fobs.

    I did enjoy it when a woman in her 70s arrived for lunch in the hotel restaurant driving a black 1967 Impala SS convertible with a 327 and 3 on the tree. “Know how to drive this?” “Absolutely!” I lied, having never driven a manual on the column, but knowing that I could figure it out.

    1. 0A5599 Avatar
      0A5599

      Mouse track seatbelts sucked, even for those of us who were not valets.
      Early 90’s still had a lot of 70’s cars on the road. Many of those tended to be large, with vision-blocking C-pillars, and no passenger-side mirror.
      https://www.groovecar.com/media/images/articles/2015/07/classic-classics/heart-attack-leads-to-purchase-of-1973-thunderbird/heart-attack-leads-to-purchase-of-1973-thunderbird-1.jpg

      1. salguod Avatar

        I worked at a fancy hotel in downtown Cincinnati (Omni Netherland Plaza, now a Hilton, I think). We had a lot of business travelers, so I drove a lot of rentals – Tempos, Tauruses and Cutlass Cieras. A fair number of 3 and 5 series BMWs and C and E class Mercedes too. Not many older cars, that Impala was a surprise. Very few exotics, too. I saw one Ferrari 328 and one Mondial, in my 3-4 years there.