Welcome to the Hooniverse News! As always, this is a weekly recap of the biggest stories in the automotive industry without the fluff or bull. This week: another stupid “coupe” that’s actually an SUV, Cadillac’s CT5 revealed early, BMW teases 2 Series Gran Coupe, Fisker commits to a new SUV, plus your automotive news.
Porsche Cayenne Not-A-Coupe
There are some days where I wonder how much longer I’ll be covering the automotive industry for. I feel like we may have peaked in this golden era of cars we’ve found ourselves in. Much in the same way muscle cars died out in the 70s, I fear things will get less exciting, less interesting, and more frustrating as consumer trends dictate what the automotive landscape looks like. At some point in the hopefully very distant future, I’ll reach a point where I just don’t care about new cars at all. Certainly not to the point where I feel compelled to even find the words to report on them.
Well thanks to this stupid ass “call it a coupe even if it’s not” trend that the whole of the automotive industry – especially the Germans – is now committed to, I’ve been asking myself that question far more often lately. Unbelievably, Porsche is the latest offender with a new Cayenne that they think you’re all stupid enough to think is a coupe.
The Porsche Cayenne Not-A-Coupe is like a regular Cayenne but with a roof line that’s sloped downward in the back and a retractable spoiler. Clearly that’s all that was needed to turn this 4,800-pound SUV (in Turbo spec) into a coupe. Well done, guys. You did it.
If there are any redeeming qualities about this, it’s that they actually lowered the seating position of the rear seats to preserve head room. Of course they only needed to do that because they made the roof lower so it could be called a coupe.
As Samantha crosses the street she’s mindful to avoid making eye contact with Chad, for he was stupid and bought a Porsche Cayenne “Coupe”.
Of course it’ll be faster than it has any business being, as is to be expected from Porsche. It launches with the same 3.0L turbocharged V6 and 4.0L twin-turbocharged V8 from the less stupid version of the Cayenne. With the latter, the Porsche Cayenne Not-A-Coupe rockets to 62 mph from a standstill in 3.9 seconds. That’s the same time as the regular Cayenne despite the three lightweight sport packages the Cayenne Not-A-Coupe comes with. You can even get it with a carbon roof.
The Porsche Cayenne Not-A-Coupe is available to order now and will arrive in dealerships this May. You’ve been warned.
Cadillac has released images and some preliminary specs on their “first ever” CT5, their newest mid-size sedan which effectively replaces the CTS. It’s set to formally debut at the New York International Auto Show in April and should be on sale by the end of 2019.
Because it’s still early, we only have very high level information about it and some pretty pictures. As expected, it rides on the latest version of GM’s Alpha platform and can support rear-wheel and all-wheel drive. Power will come from 2.0-liter turbo four-cylinder or a 3.0-liter V6 engine. We don’t have numbers yet, but based on current numbers we can assume a few thing. The four-banger should produce at least 265 horsepower. Meanwhile, the V6 should have at least 335 horsepower or 420 horsepower in V Sport trim.
As is expected, the ten-speed automatic gearbox is the only transmission offered. Some form of manual control will still be available, though.
Speaking on the new interior, Cadillac says it “blends high tech and high touch for an exceptional blend of control tactility”. The CT5 will continue to be offered in Luxury and Sport models, each with their own appearance and ride character.
Until April 16th, that’s all they’re going to tell us.
BMW 2 Series Gran Coupe Teased
The press release for this starts with “BMW continues the current model offensive”. Turns out that “offensive” is being utilized by both definitions.
It’s been a long time coming but BMW has finally felt the need to compete with the venerable Mercedes-Benz CLA for that illustrious premium compact sedan crown. BMW will unveil the 2 Series Gran Coupe in November, presumably at the LA Auto Show. After that, it’s a race to the bottom with production commencing in spring 2020.
All we know about this car so far is that it’ll be front-wheel drive, share a bunch of parts with the forthcoming redesigned 1 Series, and try to appeal to the vast car-buying urban youths market. And yes, they went and called it a “four door coupe”. But none of that is what’s really offensive thing about this…
That is not a Hofmeister kink. BMW has been stretching the boundaries of that essential design feature a lot lately, but this takes it too far. BMW is well and truly dead now, said the keyboard warrior who couldn’t buy one of these anyway. Take that, BMW.
Fisker Commits to new SUV in 2021
It’s been quite a while since we’ve heard from the guy named Henrik Fisker. He made news this week with some early specs for his next project – an affordable all-electric SUV that’s expected to launch in 2021. The extent of our knowledge on this is this single tweet and accompanying rendering he published on Monday:
Fisker All Electric SUV coming in 2nd half of 2021. Less than $40,000. Standard battery +80kWh. 4WD. Around 300 mile range. Direct Sales. Franchised Service.
So at a high level, there’s a lot that sounds promising and a lot of questions to be asked. Like how he plans to get around the states that ban direct car sales and how the franchised service will work. And, you know, if he can actually deliver.
We have plenty of time to find out.
What’s Your Automotive News?
That’s all I’ve got for you this week, so now it’s your turn. If you saw anything, fixed something, broke everything, or otherwise did anything even remotely car related that you want to share with your fellow hoon, sound off in the comments.
Have a good weekend.
[Image © 2019 Hooniverse/Greg Kachadurian]