The Auto Enthusiast’s Guide to getting a Vasectomy

My man, Chris Tracy, who writes here at the Hooniverse has four kids. One day, he got tired of making new ones. He decided to get his tubes tied, or whatever you call it for men. Something about snipping?

That’s just the thing. I didn’t really know what getting a vasectomy was like. What I did know was that Chris, like myself, is a fervent auto enthusiast. That lead me to an important question; Chris, what the hell does self-sterilization have to do with cars?

What’s the point? What’s the connection?

I knew Chris wouldn’t have gotten a vasectomy if it didn’t have something to do with cars. Was it to have more money lying around to buy more cars? Are car seats more comfortable after getting the procedure? Is the road-feel better? I wanted answers.

As I was working this idea out with Chris, Kamil must’ve noticed the draft. Shit. This is just the kind of thing I wanted to spring on him at the last minute. Then, Jeff noticed all of the commotion going on in the Slack. All of a sudden, I didn’t have to wait for Chris to start writing. Jeff had his own experience to share.

He assured me it was car-related.

He knows who?

“The process was essentially painless. The weird part? My doctor is a total car guy. During my procedure, he spoke about knowing Henrik Fisker, owning a BMW Z8, and also enjoying Rory Carroll’s work. While he was talking, I was waiting for the painful part to begin. It never did. He let me know he was done and I let a confused expression crawl across my face.”

See, this is like doing your own brakes. After you do your own brakes for the first time, you realize why there are so many shops around that just do stuff like brakes and tire rotations. It’s really easy. I’m no doctor, but it sounds like the vasectomy is the brake job of the medical industry. You don’t even have to find a place to store those old rotors.

Jeff also says it was like twenty minutes total. Twenty minutes! So what he’s saying is that he just talked cars for twenty minutes while some human mechanic did a little work on him. This is like the movie cars. Are we living in the cars universe? What’s the car equivalent to a vasectomy? How do cars in the cars universe reproduce? I’m getting off track.

“My wife picked me up and drove me home. Really though, I could’ve very easily driven myself–it was such a minor pain. I was going to pitch Bentley on letting me borrow one of their cars to drive home from the doctor. The idea is that the car was so comfortable that I was in great shape.”

Unfortunately, Jeff never followed through, but he still thinks someone should try and make that happen.

That’s really the connection we all wanted to see! That could be Bentley’s motto.

“The only car comfortable enough for the post-vasectomy drive home.”

I think they would even pay for your operation.

Chris Tracy

After waiting a while for Chris (he said he had work, which is probably bullshit), his story came out. Surprisingly, it was very car-related. Chris told me that after kid #4, it was time for the chop shop. His words. Nice.

Another connection was getting the right doctor. He wanted someone that wasn’t brand new–it’s risky being an early adopter. Someone a little older would be better. Right in their prime operating window. As Chris said, “Nothing that has too many miles and is starting to fall apart.”

“I couldn’t shut up for the whole procedure. I have no clue what I talked about, but I talked the whole time. Other than some awkward tugging (not what you think), it was fine. Afterward, my wife drove us home in her 4Runner, which worked out well for me; easy to slide in and out of. It has the XREAS suspension and was very smooth.”

He told me the only thing that could’ve improved his comfort would’ve been a wider seat–something like the front bench. It probably would’ve been torture for him to sit in a car like a Focus ST. I’m not a big guy but those seats feel like they were made for somebody with the last name Ticonderoga. Chris’ next couple of days were spent alternating frozen bags of corn and peas on his gentleman’s area. Both good choices, I think.

Other Voices

As it turns out, other Hooniverse writers have also gotten vasectomies. What’s that Jerry Lee Lewis song? Whole lotta’ Snipping going on?

This sterilization-to-automobile connection was initially a little hazy, but it was finally taking form. It’s sort of like when you’re making cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving dinner. Before you know it, things just start thickening up.

Alan Cesar said that he remembers being super drugged up and chilled out. Then, it was all over. He recalls he was so relaxed that he asked the doctor if anyone had ever farted on him. The doctor said no. Bold move, Alan.

Alan actually had some really great points as well. Apparently his doctor didn’t want him to lift more than five pounds afterward. This is important. As Alan notes, if you have a car with manual steering or a heavy clutch, this may be a consideration. He also implied that you don’t want to be doing much getting up or sitting down. This is the part that got me thinking; What is the perfect post-vasectomy vehicle?

Decisions, decisions.

I think Jeff was definitely on the right track with the Bentley. We talked about it some more and figured the Bentayga would probably be the best. This is because you don’t have to get down into it or lift yourself out when you exit. That seems important. Theoretically, you could rent a Bentayga for your operation and then just return it afterward. I think luxury SUVs or CUVs are really the way to go here.

But what if you get vasectomies all the time? What if you can’t afford to just rent Bentaygas over and over again? What’s the budget option?

Something like an Aviator or an XT6 could also work. The seats in the Aviator are extremely adjustable. They’re also heated and cooled massage seats. The Cadillac does not have the massage function. Although you will probably only want that feature on your back, it’s gotta be nice to have. Therefore, the Aviator seems like the obvious choice. There is a problem though. Lincoln has slowed down its sale of cars to rental fleets. I sniffed around online to try and find a rental, and I couldn’t. I guess that sort of makes it tough unless you have one, or know somebody.

Conclusions

You know, this whole vasectomy thing seems pretty easy. The hardest part is probably finding a rental Aviator or Bentayga. I think your best option if you can’t get your hands on one of those is probably to gamble on an Uber Black or something. I know I wouldn’t like my girlfriend to pick me up in my M3. The skateboard-esque ride would be positively painful. She would also be confused–she cannot drive stick.

It would be a stressful experience for both of us.

14 Comments

  1. Came for tales of derring-do and vigilante de-truck-nutification… am disappoint.

    On the other hand we now know some guys with nothing to lose if caught?

  2. I’m guessing my doctor wasn’t a car guy. Yes it was fast, the place looked nice and there was relaxing music, but the simple thought of needles going into my nuts for the freezing set the stage for unpleasantness. At one point it hurt. Like nutsy! As I start squirming he says “what, it feels like I’m squeezing your nuts?” I croaked out a yes and he says” Well I’m NOT!”. And that was that. At least it’s done. I was not happy driving myself home in the manual shift Focus we had at the time. I was trying to keep my legs as far apart as possible the whole time and there was an ice pack in there. So I had to stab gently at the clutch with my toe and kept missing shifts. It was far easier to shift without the clutch which I was never good at in that car. I kept this picture as a reminder of how glad I am to never have to do it again. See those two little pink chunks on the cloth? The remainder of that part of my manhood!
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8bc48d397afe049dd03d5e0cc53f9dfeec631b28c0e40ca1cf1d5fb6cf3b5b3e.jpg

    1. Genetic test.
      Judge throws the book at her in the divorce settlement.
      Voila – more money for cars!

  3. Came for tales of derring-do and vigilante de-truck-nutification… am disappoint.

    On the other hand we now know some guys with nothing to lose if caught?

  4. I’ve stopped buying project cars (& motorcycles) and am just enjoying the ones I still have. Is that the Hoonian parallel to a vasectomy? I snipped that little conduit that sends good money to Craigslist.

  5. I need to get it done this year, and since my wife can’t/won’t drive our car, I was going to take public transit home, but it sounds like I should reconsider. Although, ours are paid for under our health care system, so maybe I should just spend some of the savings on a cab ride.

    That said, this really sounds like the job for a floaty old land yacht – big sidewall, big puffy bench seat, and springs with the stiffness of a towel.

    1. Old school Citroen would be even better, maybe this is why hydropneumatic suspension was invented?

  6. A motorbike and an unseen speed bump at night does the job almost as effectively, although possibly more painfully, but involves less doctors.

  7. A motorbike and an unseen speed bump at night does the job almost as effectively, although possibly more painfully, but involves less doctors.

  8. Eerily timely post, less than a week out from such things personally.

    The ride home isn’t too much of a concern given appropriate use of anesthetics, and Mrs. Neight’s A5 did just fine as I managed to control the descent into the low seating position. 5 days hence, the 4R’s copious sidewall and supple suspension seem agreeable, though I concur that something from Lincoln or Cadillac would probably be ideal.

  9. The bench seat & light clutch in a RWD ‘98 Tacoma made for a fairly easy post-snip drive home.

    Sinking into the pillowy seats of an old land yacht doesn’t seem preferable, quite frankly.

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