Showdown: Vannin'


If there’s one trend that Hoons the world over mourn, it’s the penchant for extraordinarily hairy men to gut a shorty van and fill it full of shag carpet, teardrop windows, and sci-fi murals. Unlike that terrible swing dancing trend that nauseated the country for several years in the ‘90s, we think that shag vans deserve another day in the sun (or parked under an overpass). Today’s Showdown pits two flavors of the same “don’t shine a blacklight into it!” style of custom van against each other. May the best van win.


Perfect for either the long-haired FoMoCo fan or the creepy guy in the basement who had a crush on Daphne from Scooby Doo, this ’65 Ford E100 Econoline van is ready for a whole lot of Dio-soundtracked heavy petting. From the white faux fur to the crushed blue velvet-wrapped bed, this van has it all! There are mirrors on the wall, a working 8-track player, and enough gonorrhea lurking around to create a very special intimate environment for you and a couple of your closest groupies. Of course, with this much good taste draped all over the inside, who cares about the $2000 worth of cosmetic damage to the passenger side cargo doors?
Craigslist
(Go HERE if the ad disappears.)

On the other hand, there’s this muraled ’77 Dodge shorty, whose mesa-studded southwestern essentially requires you to wear spurred boots and a leathery tan. Plus, it’s dark and furry interior resembles a sasquatch’s hairy bowels and commands you to SHAG! with a painted mirror over the bar. In other words, it exudes class and tastefulness out of every cocaine-and-sweat-preserved surface. The 318 won’t light any fires under the rear end, but it will surely outdrag (and possibly outshag) the Ford’s puny 170 six. The custom spare cover alone is probably worth the current $610 bid, and the Jersey plates are keepers for added “get the children inside NOW! That van’s cruising again!” effect. A healthy dose of steam cleaning and a hotter Mopar lump and this van is your ticket to an endless stream of low-key sexual experiences and brushes with the law. In other words, the perfect first car for your teenage son!

Ebay Motors
(Go HERE if the ad disappears.)
So what’ll it be? The fur-lined Ford, or the Dodge shaggin’ wagon?
[poll id=”7″]

42 Comments

  1. "Sink needs parts." is always a good thing to read in a vehicle description. Shag Van wins easily…just, for the love of all that's holy, call the CDC Stanley Steemer man first.

  2. I prefer Velma over Daphne – I don't know if that means I was obliged to vote for the Ram, but almost $5000 in savings (right now) easily swayed me. I can use that extra money to pick up the entire Fu Manchu collection, a year's supply of black band t-shirts, and at least a weekend's worth of herbal entertainment.

  3. OMG!! ME HEAD KERPLODES!! How can I choose just one? I'm in heaven just looking at these photos.
    The Shag van comes at an opportune time as a case study for the makeover of "Brownie, the worlds Greatest Crappy Old RV". The plan is to turn it into a 70's shaggin waggon in addition to it's duty as a tow rig for the un-dead "Killer Bee" MGB. I already have the disco ball…
    A while back I bought some pretty cool vintage custom van brochures and posted them on the killer Bee blog. (Ignore the rest of the writing, it's not very entertaining.)
    http://killerbeeracing.blogspot.com/2009/11/brown

    1. That's awesome.
      I hope to never order some old magazine and discover the tranquilizer-dart wielding tribal alligator-headed people that were chasing me.
      Actually…that'd be a pretty sweet magazine, whatever it is.

  4. 2 things hemmed it up for the Dodge with me. For one, my dad had a black shorty Dodge van when I was a kid. I remember it was a "Street Van", and had stickers on the front fenders to let you know that fact. It also had some sweet '70s slot mags and wood paneling in the back.
    The other reason is those killer Rockstar windows in the back corners. Those are just the essence of '70s Pimptasticism. You go, boy.

    1. Street Van FTW. A friend's dad used to roll one well into the late 90s. Creepy fact: it was used to transport a little league baseball team at times. Draw your own conclusions.

      1. By the way, this comment made my girlfriend crack up for 20 min straight. I kid you not. I was a little worried that she might be having a seizure.

        1. Sorry to cause that scare. I guess I don't know the strength of my own comment fu.
          *goes back to breaking cinder blocks with one-liners involving BMWs and TruckNutz*

    1. I think Intensedebate HTML involves square brackets, but it has been a while. You might have been looking for the [strike] tag though, yeah?

  5. I'll take the Ford myself, firstly because of the awesomeness of Forward Control, and secondly because of the Chinese-restaraunt-grade light-up landscape in the back.
    Whichever you choose, be sure to <del>dispose of the evidence</del> give it a thorough cleaning.

  6. I’ve really enjoyed reading your articles. You obviously know what you are talking about! Your site is so easy to navigate too, I’ve bookmarked it in my favorites!

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