Showdown: Vannin'

If there’s one trend that Hoons the world over mourn, it’s the penchant for extraordinarily hairy men to gut a shorty van and fill it full of shag carpet, teardrop windows, and sci-fi murals. Unlike that terrible swing dancing trend that nauseated the country for several years in the ‘90s, we think that shag vans deserve another day in the sun (or parked under an overpass). Today’s Showdown pits two flavors of the same “don’t shine a blacklight into it!” style of custom van against each other. May the best van win.

Perfect for either the long-haired FoMoCo fan or the creepy guy in the basement who had a crush on Daphne from Scooby Doo, this ’65 Ford E100 Econoline van is ready for a whole lot of Dio-soundtracked heavy petting. From the white faux fur to the crushed blue velvet-wrapped bed, this van has it all! There are mirrors on the wall, a working 8-track player, and enough gonorrhea lurking around to create a very special intimate environment for you and a couple of your closest groupies. Of course, with this much good taste draped all over the inside, who cares about the $2000 worth of cosmetic damage to the passenger side cargo doors?
(Go HERE if the ad disappears.)

On the other hand, there’s this muraled ’77 Dodge shorty, whose mesa-studded southwestern essentially requires you to wear spurred boots and a leathery tan. Plus, it’s dark and furry interior resembles a sasquatch’s hairy bowels and commands you to SHAG! with a painted mirror over the bar. In other words, it exudes class and tastefulness out of every cocaine-and-sweat-preserved surface. The 318 won’t light any fires under the rear end, but it will surely outdrag (and possibly outshag) the Ford’s puny 170 six. The custom spare cover alone is probably worth the current $610 bid, and the Jersey plates are keepers for added “get the children inside NOW! That van’s cruising again!” effect. A healthy dose of steam cleaning and a hotter Mopar lump and this van is your ticket to an endless stream of low-key sexual experiences and brushes with the law. In other words, the perfect first car for your teenage son!

Ebay Motors
(Go HERE if the ad disappears.)
So what’ll it be? The fur-lined Ford, or the Dodge shaggin’ wagon?
[poll id=”7″]

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42 responses to “Showdown: Vannin'”

  1. BGW Avatar

    "Sink needs parts." is always a good thing to read in a vehicle description. Shag Van wins easily…just, for the love of all that's holy, call the CDC Stanley Steemer man first.

  2. Tripl3fast Avatar

    FoMoCo all the way. Understated outside and plenty-o-fur on the inside. I'm gonna take a shower now as I have creeped myself out. Yikes.

  3. xomputer Avatar

    Go there with a blacklight to run over the interior, see how much you can knock the price down afterwards.

    1. Han_Solex Avatar

      Sure you might get the price down a bit, but will you ever get the images out of your mind?

    2. superbadd75 Avatar

      What the hell do you mean, knock the price down? The DNA adds authenticity to your shag van. You gotta keep it real, man.

  4. JeepyJayhawk Avatar

    The Ford just creeps me out, so I say Dodge it… then spraybomb it.

  5. Maymar Avatar

    I prefer Velma over Daphne – I don't know if that means I was obliged to vote for the Ram, but almost $5000 in savings (right now) easily swayed me. I can use that extra money to pick up the entire Fu Manchu collection, a year's supply of black band t-shirts, and at least a weekend's worth of herbal entertainment.

  6. Sparky_Pete Avatar

    OMG!! ME HEAD KERPLODES!! How can I choose just one? I'm in heaven just looking at these photos.
    The Shag van comes at an opportune time as a case study for the makeover of "Brownie, the worlds Greatest Crappy Old RV". The plan is to turn it into a 70's shaggin waggon in addition to it's duty as a tow rig for the un-dead "Killer Bee" MGB. I already have the disco ball…
    A while back I bought some pretty cool vintage custom van brochures and posted them on the killer Bee blog. (Ignore the rest of the writing, it's not very entertaining.)

    1. Tim Odell Avatar
      Tim Odell

      That's awesome.
      I hope to never order some old magazine and discover the tranquilizer-dart wielding tribal alligator-headed people that were chasing me.
      Actually…that'd be a pretty sweet magazine, whatever it is.

  7. Han_Solex Avatar

    It would be really convenient if we all had an eye wash stations by our desks, huh?

  8. superbadd75 Avatar

    2 things hemmed it up for the Dodge with me. For one, my dad had a black shorty Dodge van when I was a kid. I remember it was a "Street Van", and had stickers on the front fenders to let you know that fact. It also had some sweet '70s slot mags and wood paneling in the back.
    The other reason is those killer Rockstar windows in the back corners. Those are just the essence of '70s Pimptasticism. You go, boy.

    1. Impalamino Avatar

      Street Van FTW. A friend's dad used to roll one well into the late 90s. Creepy fact: it was used to transport a little league baseball team at times. Draw your own conclusions.

  9. RacinG73 Avatar

    I gotta go with the Dodge for a couple reasons. First, you have the potential to do something muscle-y with the Dodge. Either soup up the 318 or swap in a more powerful motivator. Spruce up the handling to match and you're golden. But, perhaps more importantly, there wouldn't be any room in the Ford for my butterfly fuck swing.

  10. Tim Odell Avatar
    Tim Odell

    I'm agog looking at that "rear chamber" in the Dodge. Just….ewww…

    1. Tomsk Avatar

      It's like a coked-up Martha Stewart took a stab at designing cat furniture.

      1. Han_Solex Avatar

        By the way, this comment made my girlfriend crack up for 20 min straight. I kid you not. I was a little worried that she might be having a seizure.

        1. Tomsk Avatar

          Sorry to cause that scare. I guess I don't know the strength of my own comment fu.
          *goes back to breaking cinder blocks with one-liners involving BMWs and TruckNutz*

      2. iheartstiggie Avatar

        Yup, nailed it.

  11. discontinuuity Avatar

    Damnit how does this html thing work again?

    1. zaddikim Avatar

      I think Intensedebate HTML involves square brackets, but it has been a while. You might have been looking for the [strike] tag though, yeah?

  12. discontinuuity Avatar

    I'll take the Ford myself, firstly because of the awesomeness of Forward Control, and secondly because of the Chinese-restaraunt-grade light-up landscape in the back.
    Whichever you choose, be sure to <del>dispose of the evidence</del> give it a thorough cleaning.

  13. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Paul J Housego, Paul H and Paul, Hooniverse. Hooniverse said: From the Hooniverse:: Showdown: Vannin' […]

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