London is one of the most expensive places to live on Earth. It’s also one of the most congested cities, forcing former car-hating mayor Ken Livingstone to install a “congestion charge” that forces drivers to pay tolls when they enter the city center. With this in mind, here’s one way to kill two birds with one stone and afford a duplex in downtown London, all without having to sacrifice the comforts of home—down by the Thames, presumably, and eating a steady diet of Red Leicester.
What’s more quintessentially than bad teeth room-temperature beer Catherine Zeta-Jones a red double-decker bus? And what’s more annoyingly British than caravanning? And what’s more formerly British (before it was banned) than stomping across gullys of sheep excrement the countryside in a mighty 4×4, face-destroying Red Foxx red foxes with a Holland & Holland Royal Deluxe over & under sidelock 12-bore? That’s why the bus features a snazzy grille guard (and for picking off pesky cyclists in bus lanes). Shh. Hear that? That’s the sound of Jeremy Clarkson, in a pub somewhere, suddenly having an aneyrusm.
Inside the Fortress of Solitude, your average nuclear family of four can enjoy all of the conveniences of modern life: a hob stove, full-size refrigerator, sink, grill, oven, hot water, shower, and a toilet, which they call a “loo.” I dare you to say “loo” ten times without snickering. How do British schoolchildren get anything accomplished? The seller claims that it seats 7. Cover fuel costs by renting it out as a hostel, and have fun putting up with unshaved, techno-blasting Austrian backpackers!
The only real comparison to this homebuilt motorhome (and aren’t those always the creepiest best?) is to square it off against the America, Flip Yeah 1000-horsepower armored RV that sent me on a nostalgia trip from when I first got started at the ‘Verse. It’s a battle of wits against the British Bruiser and the American Assassin! Stephen Fry versus Toby Keith! Who’s going to triumph in this rumble across the Atlantic?
Stephen Fry’s Company Car
PROS: You could probably host a pretty decent Tupperware party in it. Scenic views from the top-floor bungalow. Bus-like levels of headroom and forward visibility. Sweet grille guard ensures maximum respect from Bear Grylls. When London gets flooded you can park it at Hampstead Heath and sell it as “lakefront property.” Hardwood floors!
CONS: You’re driving a bus. As a result, it will attract creeps and weirdos, and not just your own family either. ZING! Slower than a kidney stone. The front of the bus has a URL written in Comic Sans. And why is there a shovel in the toilet?
Toby Keith’s Moonshine Runner
PROS: Bulletproof. Jet-powered. Guess which of these vehicles will actually cause global warming? TAKE THAT, SHOREDITCH. Three Wolf Moon-levels of irony in those electric bald eagles, if you’re into that sort of thing.
CONS: Not that it matters, as nobody in England owns guns anyway, and those that do are too old, crotchety or drunk to load them. Gets terrible gas mileage. Jet engines don’t work well underwater. Three Wolf Moon-levels of irony in those electric bald eagles. If you buy it, Jeff Foxworthy will film the Blue Collar Comedy Tour at your house.
So let’s call it a draw. We defeat you at Yorktown, you burn down the White House, that sort of thing.
Unique Double Decker Motorhome converted Bristol bus – eBay Motors UK