Monday Mini Madness: British Purity

I say, what what?

So you’re sitting at home in your large wing-backed chair beside the fire, meticulously packing and lighting your pipe while your tea cools. You’ve had a long day, and your feet are hurting, despite the tweed slippers your dear wife has so kindly provided for you. Try as you might, you just can’t seem to relax, despite the soft clicking of your wife’s knitting needles, and the mellow snoring of the Corgi at your feet.

Owner's shadow not included.

Every time you try to put your mind to rest, a conversation from earlier in the day comes back to you. A co-worker, Ted, was watching as you carefully spread some jam over some some delightfully flat, dry bread, and opted to strike up a cheery conversation. “Hey Nigel,” he said, “Have you seen that new MINI Countryman? Pretty nice looking little truck, isn’t it? I’m so glad to see BMW dragging MINI into the 21st Century! It’s about time, I say. The best British cars really are made by the Germans, I guess, ha ha!”
You glance towards your umbrella in the corner, and make a mental note to clean the remains of Ted’s left eyeball off the pointy bit before you leave for work in the morning.
Why can’t these silly Colonials understand? Those goddamned Germans aren’t improving the quintessentially British automobile, they’re just making it bigger and bigger, until it’s like a comical Mardi-Gras float, lampooning what MINI used to be. “Blast it all!”, you abruptly blurt, startling your wife, and causing one of her knitting needles to spiral off into the darkness behind you, where it disappears into the sound of breaking glass and a soft wet thud. “Dammit, Persephone, why can’t these Provincials understand what truly makes a great British motorcar!?”
“Darkness?” she asks.
“No!”, comes your bellowed reply.
“Rust?”, she tries again.
“No, not rust!”
“Shoddy workmanship?”
“No! Well… yes… but…”
“Magic Smoke?”
“Okay, seriously now…”
Well you’ll show them all! Enough of these parodies of Britishism. It’s time to show the doubters exactly what true British luxury can be!
…and then, when your Jag won’t start, you can drive this Mini the rest of the time! It’s a rare “Monte Carlo Rally 30th Anniversary Edition”, and let’s just say there aren’t a whole lot of other cars out there that would be able to string that particular series of words together without being disingenuous. This 1995 model looks to be in excellent condition, and is for sale up here in the Great White North, in the wine country of the Okanagan. And even without being the ardent Anglophile that I describe, I may still need someone to physically restrain me from rushing off to pick it up for less than $9,000 CDN.
See the Kijiji ad here.

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24 responses to “Monday Mini Madness: British Purity”

  1. tonyola Avatar
    tonyola

    A 1995? Nice, but this Mini has to stay in the Great White North. Uncle Sam would cast a flinty eye on this cute little shoebox before confiscating or deporting it. Also, don't forget that even though its DNA is all-British, it was still built under the wing of BMW.

    1. Deartháir Avatar
      Deartháir

      Hey, Jaguar hasn't been owned by a British company for decades, and nobody would try and claim they weren't British!
      Oh… they would? Never mind then.

      1. tonyola Avatar
        tonyola

        Well, what about TVR? British? They're what? Dead and Russian?
        OK, Bristol? Dead? Oh, shit…
        MG? Where's the soy sauce?
        Rolls Royce? Nein.
        Bentley? The Jerries got that one too.
        Lotus? Where the hell is Subang Jaya?
        Rover?
        Wolseley?
        Humber?
        Morgan? Got one! [ding ding ding!]

        1. facelvega Avatar
          facelvega

          The new Morgan three wheeler is built on the basis of the Seattle-made Liberty Ace, and not for instance on the UK-made Blackjack Zero, nor is it an original Morgan product.
          But don't forget the new supercar makers, McLaren and Noble. They're British-owned and based too. And Bristol isn't dead or foreign quite yet, though probably soon.

          1. tonyola Avatar
            tonyola

            McLaren is partly owned by Techniques d'Avant Garde (15%), Daimler (11%), and a Bahrain-owned holding company (50%).

          2. facelvega Avatar
            facelvega

            Noble?

          3. tonyola Avatar
            tonyola

            Noble looks to be English-owned – so that's what, three more cars per year? 🙂

        2. Manic_King Avatar
          Manic_King

          Ariel
          Ascari
          Caterham
          Radical
          Westfield
          = couple of hundreds cars per year, but still

          1. Deartháir Avatar
            Deartháir

            Ah, but I don't think you can properly drive any of those in spats and a bowler hat. Therefore, not truly British.

          2. Manic_King Avatar
            Manic_King

            Sir, you need to add chinstrap to your bowler hat, sir

          3. Deartháir Avatar
            Deartháir

            BRILLIANT!

          4. tiberiusẅisë Avatar
            tiberiusẅisë

            And a spike on top, wait, that's how this crap got started.
            <img src="http://www.kaisersbunker.com/feldgrau/helmets/fgh05.jpg&quot; width="300">

          5. Deartháir Avatar
            Deartháir

            Also convenient for juicing oranges…

      2. facelvega Avatar
        facelvega

        Apart from a couple of tiny islands here and there, there's nowhere left that's more British than India. The empire lives on there much more than in soggy old England. And say what you will about the Tata Jags, they are definitely not German.

        1. Deartháir Avatar
          Deartháir

          Tee hee hee hee hee! You said "Tata"!!

    2. facelvega Avatar
      facelvega

      I bet you could get it registered in some state, maybe as a kit car or if you were unscrupulous by combining its identity with that of a rusted out mini of suitable vintage. Or possibly just as a moped.

  2. Rust-MyEnemy Avatar

    Factory air conditioning! Sweet! Don't think I ever saw that in one over here. I've noticed that early BMW "Minis" are starting to look rather tired now, I'd far rather have a well preserved Rover-era one.
    Also, I swear I didn't see Deartháir here at Rusty Cottage tonight, but judging by the accuracy of his description, he must have been hiding under the sideboard.

    1. Deartháir Avatar
      Deartháir

      I did steal the lead photo off your Facebook profile…

      1. Rust-MyEnemy Avatar

        I should update that, I've changed my monocle since that was taken

  3. longrooffan Avatar

    While this post by Dearthair is excellent, the comments, thus far, have been equally as entertaining. Thanks to my fellow Hoons for the laughs.

  4. Alff Avatar
    Alff

    Choir, preaching to, you are.

  5. Alff Avatar
    Alff

    "…disappears into the sound of breaking glass and a soft wet thud."
    Can you feel Hemingway's cold, bony fingers on the back of your neck?

    1. Deartháir Avatar
      Deartháir

      Not since the wife hit him with the knitting needle.

  6. Alff Avatar
    Alff

    That's not a British gentleman, that's the owner of this car and typical Penticton resident.

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