Yesterday, I introduced the 2013 update to Murilee Martin’s original LeMons Torture Test and gave out the bottom four car types in the modern list. Today, we continue to scrape the bottom of the much-oxidized barrel with the next 10 cars, which all still fall well below average. Sure, many of today’s 10 are antiquated mechanical curiosities, but a few are cars that many new to the series think of as Sure to Dominate. Follow the jump to quench your thirst for awful, awful LeMons cars.
In Part 1 of the series, I explained how DOMINATION Factor was calculated and noted that one car that didn’t meet the 20-entry minimum for this list had managed a paltry 0.301 DOMINATION Factor (1.000 is average). I didn’t indicate what type of car that was, but instead asked for commentariat to weigh in. After a few unsuccessful guesses, anonymous commenter Spiro Agnew nailed it:
So there you have it: The Chevrolet Corvette is your Nattering Nabob of Nonoperative Racecars. Anyway, let’s move on with the rest of the list.
Read The Introduction, Honorable Mentions, and #74 to 71 Here
70. BMW Other (6-, 7-, and 8-Series) – DOMINATION Factor: 0.781 (2010 Rank: N/A)
While their lightweight brothers reside near the list’s top (Unsurprising Spoiler), BMW’s German luxobarges and personal luxury coupes suffer from the comedy of overcomplicated madness. Well, German comedy is not particularly funny (unless it involves the German language). Nevertheless, these Teutonic hulks carry serious gravitas in the paddock and on the track, which is significant in its own right. Style counts big in LeMons.
69. Chrysler K Platform and derivatives – DOMINATION Factor: 0.791 (2010 Rank: N/A)
The K-It-Forward Plymouth Reliant is resoundly referred to as the Worst LeMons Car of All Time (WLCOAT), but it bears saying that its younger derivatives sometimes show promise. Dust N’ Debris’ Dodge Shadow has come extremely close to an overall win, but that’s only come from several years of sorting after finishing dead last in their first race. The platform has potential, but it will likely overrun teams’ patience first.
68. Pontiac Fiero: DOMINATION Factor: 0.821 (2010 Rank: 36/38)
GM’s mid-engine super(awful)car seldom suffers in LeMons from the chassis-ending fires so incorrectly associated with the type. Rather, nearly every other component on the car will find remarkable ways to fail. The real Achilles’ Heel results from the combination of long coolant lines (the radiator is in the front of the car) and shoddy GM quality. Overheating ensues. All that said, the Fiero has racked up multiple Class C wins and remains a viable Class C competitor.
67. Ford Mustang/Capri (Pre-Fox) – DOMINATION Factor: 0.826 (2010 Rank: 28/38, included all Mustangs)
The loudest enthusiast howls over LeMons’ irreverence come from those who think that anything old is collectible and therefore well exceeds the $500 maximum. But with patience and some luck, early Ford Mustangs (and Capris) can be found for LeMons money. What do you get from a pre-Fox Body Mustang for $500? Predictably, not very much. The above-pictured Mustang II is one of the better pre-Foxes and it’s a wretched beast.
66. MGB – DOMINATION Factor: 0.855 (2010 Rank: 38/38, included all British cars)
This is a pretty good result for what are mostly rusty British roadsters. Sure, Lucas the Prince of Darkness gets his hands on plenty of them, but MG owners can be proud of the sway they hold over drivers of other British Leyland products, although they may get some gentle ribbing from their Triumph rivals. Antenna balls add +15 HP and +6 Constitution, I’ve been told.
65. GM Mid-Size FWD – DOMINATION Factor: 0.855 (2010 Rank: N/A)
This includes cars like the Beretta and Cutlass Ciera, which are generally miserable cars equipped with GM’s ubiquitous 60-degree V6 engines. In most parts of the country, these rusty appliances can still be seen regularly on the roads, usually with a sagging rear end, a missing grille, and/or a garbage bag over at least one window. On the circuit, they tend to run slowly or not at all, eating wheel bearings and wheel studs all the while.
64. Merkur XR4Ti – DOMINATION Factor: 0.865 (2010 Rank: N/A)
To many who have never attended races or followed LeMons very closely, the XR4Ti seems the perfect car for LeMons: It’s fast with sporting pedigree and holds little value in the real world. There’s a reason for the latter point. Merkur’s miserable reliability metes out over the long hours of an endurance race. Sure, a couple have come close to winning, but Merkurs also once occupied the bottom two slots at a race, which is a far more representative showing.
63. Air-cooled Volkswagen – DOMINATION Factor: 0.877 (2010 Rank: N/A)
The Beetle and its air-cooled cousins are types that are not likely to win a race outright, but a glut of Class C victories tells you that they can be reliable enough to keep turning laps. Sure, plenty of air-cooled engines get turned into modern automotive art, but there’s an immense supply of them and LeMons is a good enough endeavor for them, right?
62. Opel – DOMINATION Factor: 0.877 (2010 Rank: N/A)
Teams who run Opels should generally run with relatively low expectations, particularly before a few races of sorting. The best any has ever done was eighth place and a Class B win, but that car was running a Ford Ranger motor under the hood. Team Tinyvette’s Opel GT currently holds the unofficial Bonneville Salt Flats top speed record for LeMons—though it is also the only LeMons car to try—with a 117.7 mph run.
61. Mitsubishi Eclipse/Eagle Talon/Plymouth Laser – DOMINATION Factor: 0.892 (2010 Rank: 34/38, included all Mitsubishi)
Yes, the Eclipse is one of the most consistently awful LeMons cars. Its ratio of Bottom 10 finishes to Top 10 is approximately 1.5:1, which means that a DSM tends to be either sorted or on the verge of blowing up. Repeatedly. One poor DSM team ran about 225 miles total in their Eclipse’s first three races, including a one-lap outing. This is not atypical, though a couple of teams have kept their crankwalk in check long enough to nab a podium finish.
Look for 10 more hooptie heaps tomorrow.
[Photos: Murilee Martin]
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