cybertruck

How Tesla Designed the Cybertruck

Tonight Tesla unveiled the pickup they had been promising and teasing for years. It was hilarious.

As I sat at my desk writing up this week’s news, I had Twitter open on another screen and watched everyone’s reactions pour in as the live stream unveiling began. At first the general reaction was disbelief, as if it was meant to be a joke and the real pickup was waiting in the shadows for the right moment to come out. Then the disbelief turned to comedy hour as the “real” Cybertruck never came. Turns out, the only jokes we were being treated to tonight were on Twitter. And on the stage.

And then, I’m afraid, I had an idea.

When writing the news I’ll occasionally whip out Microsoft Paint for a professionally terrible rendering of some future concept that I can’t find a real image to. Well, it just so happens that the Tesla Cybertruck looks exactly as if it were designed on MS Paint. So I designed it in MS Paint, busted side windows and all.

It has been on my Twitter for an hour as of writing and it’s already been viewed 40,000 times. I’ve never been more proud of a shitpost in my entire life. [Editor’s note: 20 hours later it’s now up to 265,000 views. What have I brought upon this cursed land.]

If you want more hot Cybertruck takes, the staff here at Hooniverse are chomping at the bit for their turn so expect more soon. It’s that bad, you guys.

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26 responses to “How Tesla Designed the Cybertruck”

  1. crank_case Avatar

    Rivian shares must’ve gone up..

    1. Rover 1 Avatar

      Tesla shares certainly went down.
      On Friday, Tesla’s share price plummeted 6%, bringing Musk’s still immense personal net worth down by $768m in a single day, according to Forbes.

  2. Sjalabais Avatar

    In other news, unemployment among skilled 5 year olds and younger has dramatically decreased, as Silicon Valley is mopping up what they call “uncommonly creative souls”.

  3. Lokki Avatar

    The more I think about it, the more I am certain that this is a joke by Musk.

    It’s brilliant if you think about it.

    What does Elon enjoy more than anything (okay almost anything) in the world?
    Burning the Shorts. He will wait a few days to allow them time to buy and then announce the real thing: BURN!!

    The actual truck will psychologically appear better than it is because of the compare and contrast with the joke truck.
    Additionally Elon will get twice the publicity he’d get otherwise, and it’s all free.

    The give-away on the joke is the whole “bulletproof glass” stunt. He set the stage for it with his stop a “Full Metal Jacket” 9mm bullet gimmick. It’s a dig at the macho image of the traditional trucks… and would have no marketing value for an actual vehicle.
    Then the twice-broken glass? It’s is an vaudeville stunt: “Look everyone! How embarrassing for the great Musk!” Wait? What’s this? He didn’t kill the lady when he sawed her in half! She’s fine!” Also when you watch the video note all the post-apocalyptic grunge people who emerge from the truck. Absolutely not Tesla people…. they’re a satirical version of the “Preppers who think they’ll need a bulletproof truck when the zombies/Russians/aliens/mole people attack.”

    The specs are probably real enough, and perhaps the interior. But the rest is Elon’s sense of humor.

    Watch this space for a few days, and you’ll see.

  4. P161911 Avatar

    The real one looks like they hit print before it finished rendering.

    1. Rover 1 Avatar

      Progressive rendering. You’ll find out what it really looks like after a month, or maybe just a week if you’ve got fast internet.

    2. Vairship Avatar

      The truck itself is terrible, but it’s the presentation that went awry. I managed to get a top-secret video of what the unveiling was SUPPOSED to look like. I think you’ll agree it would have sold much better: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WP0Ven_Ki_g

  5. ptschett Avatar

    Can we say this Tesla looks like it’s badly TES-se-LA-ted?

    …I’ll show myself out.
    [Tip your waitress! Try the veal!]

  6. Maymar Avatar

    There had better be a startup message giving you progress on your reticulating splines.

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bUW0uoeuUpY/UlxMgohVGVI/AAAAAAAAA1I/QAodDCANtt0/s1600/Screen+Shot+2013-10-14+at+12.53.34+PM.png

  7. SlowJoeCrow Avatar

    Bicycle bearing expert and engineering crank Hambini always scribbles “by Hambini age 5” on his presentations but anything involving Silicon Valley and Hambini would produce an earthquake of Northern accented profanity and insult.

    Also the styling of the Tesla truck reminds of Top Gear’s electric car https://www.autocar.co.uk/sites/autocar.co.uk/files/styles/gallery_slide/public/1911993236157234×155.jpg?itok=CtmV8Jz6

    1. Rover 1 Avatar

      It is hard to believe that there is a TVR chassis under that.

  8. onrails Avatar

    The designer was the same guy that did the Pontiac Solstice. And the Mazda Furai.

    Things have changed.

    Yes, it’s a reach, and a departure, and daring, etc. So is a swan dive off the top of Half Dome in Yosemite without a parachute.

    Consumers (of a sort) have already responded:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6c8bbced48afa9e3314a9b2f68684cc9aa685f156d6666ee7b36f9710a588692.png

  9. P161911 Avatar

    Your pic is exploding on Facebook, but with Elon, age 4 added and the Hooniverse watermark gone.

    1. Number_Six Avatar

      Leveraging that 1980s Nissan Pulsar tech. Tanshanomi to the red phone

    2. Sjalabais Avatar

      Missed opportunity to portray a Marsian background.

  10. alex Avatar

    If I was part of the twitterverse, I would give you a like

  11. Lokki Avatar

    The more I think about it, the more I am certain that this is a joke by Musk.

    It’s brilliant if you think about it.

    What does Elon enjoy more than anything (okay almost anything) in the world?
    Burning the Shorts. He will wait a few days to allow them time to buy and then announce the real thing: BURN!!

    The actual truck will psychologically appear better than it is because of the compare and contrast with the joke truck.
    Additionally Elon will get twice the publicity he’d get otherwise, and it’s all free.

    The give-away on the joke is the whole “bulletproof glass” stunt. He set the stage for it with his stop a “Full Metal Jacket” 9mm bullet gimmick. It’s a dig at the macho image of the traditional trucks… and would have no marketing value for an actual vehicle.
    Then the twice-broken glass? It’s is an vaudeville stunt: “Look everyone! How embarrassing for the great Musk!” Wait? What’s this? He didn’t kill the lady when he sawed her in half! She’s fine!” Also when you watch the video note all the post-apocalyptic grunge people who emerge from the truck. Absolutely not Tesla people…. they’re a satirical version of the “Preppers who think they’ll need a bulletproof truck when the zombies/Russians/aliens/mole people attack.”

    The specs are probably real enough, and perhaps the interior. But the rest is Elon’s sense of humor.

    Watch this space for a few days, and you’ll see.

    1. Tiller188 Avatar

      Y’know…given how complete a 180 this is from Tesla’s existing styling language, and Musk’s penchant for trolling…I think you might be right. Anyway, I want to hope.

    2. smalleyxb122 Avatar

      He’s certainly trolling, but I’m just not sure in what capacity. This is either a prank or a test.

      This is either testing the limits on his “They’ll like what I tell them to like” mentality when it comes to design, or it is an IRL embodiment of Poe’s Law.

  12. Tiller188 Avatar

    Being new, bold, innovative, dynamic, [insert buzzword here] need not also involve being fugly. Ironically, I’d cite the Model S as a good example.

  13. outback_ute Avatar

    Picture your own John McEnroe “You cannot be serious!” meme here

  14. Sjalabais Avatar

    Guys, this is the first Hooniverse-artwork people are sending me on Facebook. Without the…watermark, of course.

  15. janorlane18 Avatar

    I can’t stop myself from laughing at this. Looks like a beta Batmobile.

  16. P161911 Avatar

    On the bright side, looks like all the body panels can be made on a press brake. No tooling required!

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