Hooniverse Asks – What's Your Favorite British Car Industry Joke?

Robert Emslie

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So I have this tee-shirt – it’s one of my favorites in fact – and it has the Lucas Electrics logo, and below that the admonition a gentleman does not motor about after dark. Now, I don;t know about you, but I think that’s damn funny. In fact, I’ll probably be wearing it to the Queen’s English Car Show this Sunday. That is, if it doesn’t rain.

British humor is an acquired taste, it being drier than the surface of the moon, but that’s not to say that laughing at the British, or at least their attempts at  things like governance and manufacture isn’t a universal ice-breaker. Whether it’s jokes about teeth, food, drivng on the wrong side of the road, the sun never sets on an opportunity to make light of some aspect of the British Empire. And their automotive industry has, for decades, provided much of that fodder.
Now don’t get me wrong,I’m not denigrating the English, who are, in my book, great people with a rich history and an important role at the global table. But like any group of people who once ruled us and whose butts we kicked in a revolutionary-type war, it just seems right to occasionally poke fun at them.
So, Lucas electrics, all parts falling from this vehicle are of the finest British manufacture bumper stickers, and Union Jacks for flat tires, what’s your favorite British Car Industry joke?
Image source: [the HAMB]

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Robert Emslie

Robert Emslie

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  1. P161911 Avatar
    P161911

    <img src="http://stagmad.co.uk/images/Stag_photos/Lewy%20Stag/triumph_stag_rover_engine.jpg&quot; width="500/">
    Triumph Stag V-8

    Reply
    1. Joe Dunlap Avatar
      Joe Dunlap

      Now THATS not just low hanging fruit, thats WINDFALL! LOL! Still a good one though.
      Joe

      Reply
  2. Joe Dunlap Avatar
    Joe Dunlap

    Joseph Lucas, the Prince of Darkness, the photo of Lucas Replacement Smoke that circulates the internet, The Lucas 2 Fuse Electrical Circus. I could go on and on, but Ill leave room for others to post. Cant wait to hear new ones!

    Reply
  3. west_coaster Avatar
    west_coaster

    Don't tell that to a Brit. They get really upset about the implication.
    About the Lucas electrics? Nope, they tend to agree on that. What they don't like is the erroneous "warm beer" thing

    Reply
    1. Black Steelies Avatar
      Black Steelies

      I've heard that's a German thing. However if Lucas actually made refrigerators, or 'chillers' as I like to think they call them, the British would likely have their warm beer and drink it too… because it's beer.

      Reply
  4. Rust-MyEnemy Avatar
    Rust-MyEnemy

    Probably the oft told tale of Nuccio Bertone on the TR7 stand at a show, where he exclaimed "Oh my god, they've done it on this side as well".
    Also the fable that the wheelbase on a Rover 800 was different on one side to the other. Which it is. Slightly. Actually my old one was waaaaay different, but that was because I stuffed it into a kerb in snow and bent the tie-rod.
    And pull me a warm pint, and i'll show serve you a warm fist.
    Warm cider, though, or wassail, can't get enough of it.

    Reply
  5. CptSevere Avatar
    CptSevere

    Zener diodes. Positive earth. A real laff riot.

    Reply
  6. Alff Avatar
    Alff

    How do you spot the owner of a British car in the men's?
    He's the one who washes his hands before he pees.

    Reply
    1. ZomBee Racer Avatar
      ZomBee Racer

      Ouch. (looks at hands)

      Reply
  7. PFG Avatar
    PFG

    Why don't the English build computers?
    They haven't figured out how to make them leak oil.

    Reply
    1. FuzzyPlushroom Avatar
      FuzzyPlushroom

      It's AtomicToasters crossover time again!
      (No, they never did learn…)

      Reply
  8. Patrick Avatar
    Patrick

    What do you call an Austin with two tailpipes? ….. A wheelbarrow.
    What do you call a Morris with a sunroof? ……. A skip! (dumpster)
    How do you double the value of an MG? ….. Fill it with petrol.
    A squirrel spent a lot of time teaching her baby squirrels that, when crossing the road at night and two headlights head toward them, to position themselves in between the lights and crouch down until the car passes by. One night, one squirrel did just that and nevertheless SPLAT!!
    Says the mother squirrel, "Damn Robin Reliant!!"
    I've got more if you need them.

    Reply
  9. Peter Tanshanomi Avatar
    Peter Tanshanomi

    When British engineers were first asked to add electronic ignition to their cars, they said, "We can do that, no problem!" and moved some of the wiring closer to the fuel filler.

    Reply
  10. salguod Avatar
    salguod

    What is the motto for employees of Lucas Electrics? "A solid day's work and home before dark."

    Reply
  11. tonyola Avatar
    tonyola

    This joke is even funnier than the Cadillac Cimarron.
    <img src="http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1235/1105992034_be3de4cf3c.jpg&quot; width=400>

    Reply
  12. Jimmy7 Avatar
    Jimmy7

    Lucas + Leaks = The Dark Incontinent.

    Reply
  13. James Avatar
    James

    Bumper sticker that someone stuck on my Spitfire one day…
    "Notice: All of the parts falling off this car are of the highest British quality."
    I left it on the car until one day the bumper fell off…

    Reply
  14. smokyburnout Avatar
    smokyburnout

    <img src="http://cache.jalopnik.com/assets/resources/2008/07/British_Leyland_Special_Tools.gif"/&gt;

    Reply
  15. Deltaroyale Avatar
    Deltaroyale

    Give a British craftsman a piece of sheetmetal and a hammer, and he will make it leak oil.

    Reply
  16. CJinSD Avatar
    CJinSD

    http://www.mez.co.uk/lucas.html – links to a good compilation of British car induced humor.
    Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night? They all look the same. " – "He replied, "It does not matter which one you use, nothing happens !"

    Reply
  17. CJinSD Avatar
    CJinSD

    Why didn't the Germans bomb the Lucas plants during WWII? The Germans considered Lucas an ally.
    Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim "sudden, unexpected darkness".
    Lucas–inventor of the first intermittent wiper.
    The three-position Lucas switch–DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other three switch settings–SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.
    If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.
    Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.
    It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.
    Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which didn't suck.
    Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.
    Lucas is an acronym for Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices.
    Why are there no skyscrapers in London? Lucas makes elevators
    Why is there no death penalty in England? Lucas makes electric chairs.

    Reply
  18. scroggzilla Avatar
    scroggzilla

    The Daimler SP250 Dart….
    <img src="http://www.super-autos.net/d/daimler-sp250dart01.jpg"&gt;
    ….a redefination of the phrase "sight gag"

    Reply
    1. tonyola Avatar
      tonyola

      In 1963, Daimler built a better-looking prototype as an SP250 replacement, but Jaguar (particularly William Lyons) quickly killed it because they didn't want any in-house competition for the E-type.
      <img src="http://i55.tinypic.com/90n95v.jpg&quot; width=400>

      Reply
      1. njhoon Avatar
        njhoon

        That is sexy.

        Reply
    2. njhoon Avatar
      njhoon

      The bumperettes make it look like a catfish.

      Reply
  19. jjd241 Avatar
    jjd241

    <img src="http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/12/2010/04/500x_xkcd_circuit_diagram.jpg&quot; width="600">

    Reply