Hooniverse Asks- What Star Could Beat Tom Cruise's Reasonably Priced Car Lap Time?


Well, another season of Top Gear has ended, and this six-episode run was noteworthy both for May and Hammond’s cross-adoption of hair styles, and for the copious number of yank stars who got behind the wheel of the reasonably priced car. Americans plying the track included Andy Garcia, Jeff Goldblum (who has never previously driven a stick), the lovely and capable Cameron Diaz, and her Knight and Day costar, Tom Cruise. Not only did the yanks prove themselves able despite left-handed shifting and Clarkson’s derision, but Diaz and Cruise both smoked the board with Cruise doing a blistering lap, bettering the previous best by almost a second and a half. That’s got to hurt British pride, but with the show on hiatus until the fall at least, there’s no chance for them to regain their national honor.

As Clarkson, May and the little chap are taking a breather, and as the new Reasonably Priced Kia C-EE-Apostrophe-D has only one season under its belt, I thought this would be a good time to ask how long you think Cruise’s record will stand, and who do you think (British, American, Martian, who cares?) would be the best star to beat it. Whoever it is, perhaps thay’ll join Cruise in taking an unconventional line through the final lap, and on to the finish- on two wheels!

Brazilian racer Rubens Barrichello beat the Stig with a 1.44.3 lap, done in the older, less powerful Suzuki, and Maverick’s lap was a tenth faster than that – in the new car of course. And with Diaz tearing up the track with her top-fastest lap (until Tom took the reigns) of 1.45.2, it shows that Cruise isn’t unbeatable, at least by another yank. So who do you think will it be, who will knock Tom Cruise off the podium, and will it be a Brit, or will the sun finally set on that Nation’s reasonably priced car aspirations?
Some say. . .

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41 responses to “Hooniverse Asks- What Star Could Beat Tom Cruise's Reasonably Priced Car Lap Time?”

  1. Maymar Avatar

    I fully expect to hear that at some point in the next six months, Jay Kay will be caught breaking into the Top Gear facilities to try and get his record back.
    Failing that, zombie Paul Newman.

    1. P161911 Avatar

      Zombie Paul Newman can race against zombie Steve McQueen.
      In true internet meme fashion I would suggest Chuck Norris, I'm pretty sure he is the Stig's daddy if not the actual Stig.

      1. CptSevere Avatar

        What you just said.

      2. rovingardener Avatar

        Also, zombie James Dean.

        1. Tim Odell Avatar

          Probably wouldn't make the full lap.
          Yes, that was in poor taste.

    2. chrystlubitshi Avatar

      i fully support both of these.

  2. P161911 Avatar

    Maybe Patrick Dempsey since he probably has the most racing experience of any current "star". Not sure how good he actually is as a driver though.

    1. Maymar Avatar

      I hear Frankie Muniz is getting into racing, but I'm not sure how much of a "star" he is anymore.

      1. BGW Avatar

        He's been running for several years now. He ran Formula BMW for a couple years before moving to pro Atlantic. He wasn't awful, but wasn't great either.
        Both series are now defunct- coincidence?

    2. Jeff Glucker Avatar

      I think you nailed it…

    3. dukeisduke Avatar

      I think Dempsey's a very good driver; he's the one I'd pick to unseat Cruise. Goldblum could have done better if he'd actually shifted the Cee'd, instead of going around the course in third gear.

    4. BGW Avatar

      He's no P.L. Newman, that's fo sho. Not embarrassing or dangerous, he's just kinda…there.

  3. engineerd Avatar

    In a Top Gun rivalry moves to Top Gear, I think Val Kilmer could do it. After he sees his lap time put up on the board, he should say, "The list for the alternates is in the lady's room."

    1. muthalovin Avatar

      Oh, Val Kilmer FTW!

      1. Mr_Biggles Avatar

        Yes. Val Kilmer. Nicely pulled out of the hat.

    2. zaddikim Avatar

      But only if he loses about 60 pounds – bro's been a wee porky lately.

  4. Baron Von Danger Avatar

    Frankie Muniz, to keep it a fair fight.

  5. Rust-MyEnemy Avatar

    When we say star, can we mean buxom blonde with a Teutonic twang?
    Step forward Sabine Schmidt and do what we all know you can. Preferably while yelping and squealing.

  6. SSurfer321 Avatar

    Adam Carolla. He has plenty of experience racing slow cars. He vintage races his fleet of Datsuns.

  7. Jeff Glucker Avatar

    Dead serious here…but maybe Paul Walker?
    He isn't a star on the level of Cruise but certainly as big as the folks they get out of Britain.

    1. Tim Odell Avatar

      If the track's longer than a quarter mile, there might be a problem.
      He said that, right?

      1. Jeff Glucker Avatar

        He does a little more…
        [youtube OIKxU20ANAQ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIKxU20ANAQ youtube]

  8. BЯдΖǐL-ЯЄРΘЯΤЄЯ Avatar

    Mr. Bean, lots of experiences with a reasonable priced car.

  9. muthalovin Avatar

    I dont know about star, but recently I was thinking that (since Jeremy hates motorcycles, it will never happen) Top Gear should have Valentino Rossi on. Mostly because I am curious if he would have a competitive time to the F1 drivers.

  10. Tripl3fast Avatar

    Brooke Sheilds.

  11. retro Avatar

    I'll take my lap with Jodie Kidd, please.
    <img src="http://ploader.net/files/733bbfd29f95315a2d4ca2112fbf8e83.jpg&quot; width="80%" alt="She can lap me any time.">

    1. Tim Odell Avatar

      Cute lady in a Maserati GranTurismo?
      No pr0n in the comments, please.

      1. engineerd Avatar

        There's a lady in that picture? All I see is the 8C Competizione.

        1. retro Avatar

          @Mad_Science – Would you really have preferred me to use this one instead?
          @engineerd – Can you see her now?
          <img src="http://ploader.net/files/54b1e53ff518f9682091161f19add954.jpg&quot; width="80%">
          I think she has a chance at being next at the top of the lap times board. She hasn't been on Top Gear since back in the Liana days so she could be due for another appearance . She held the top spot for quite a while, beating Jay Kay, and she's done a bit of racing since then.

          1. engineerd Avatar

            I see her now. She's not too bad (that's an understatement), and I do remember her being quite quick around the TG track.

  12. kvhnik Avatar

    I'm a little surprized that Cameron Diaz can drive a stick. Actually, given some of the things I've read about her in the tabloids, maybe I'm not…

  13. name_too_long Avatar

    Eric Bana did pretty well when he was on.
    Mark Whalberg's been spending a some time with the Andrettis, perhaps a bit of Mario has rubbed off.
    Jay Kay and Cowell can both be relied on to set a good time.
    It would be interesting to see Clarkson, Hammond, and May's times.

  14. Feds_II Avatar

    Where does a guy like Travis Pastrana fit in? You know he has no fear receptors. Is he a driver or a celebrity?
    Either way, my money is on coked out Lindsay Lohan.

  15. Hopman Avatar

    Micheal Dorn (Worf from Star Trek) The guy flys figher jets for fun.
    #2 choice would be Jay Leno.

    1. Jeff Glucker Avatar

      Leno had his chance…

  16. CEMan Avatar

    I have lost all interest in this part of TG as of late. Beginning with the new car piece, it just seems to be contrived and a "much too silly" as the late great Graham Chapman would say. If it were not for the news and challenges, I would be hard pressed to even watch. Thank heavens for fast forward.

  17. OA5599 Avatar

    Has Jason Priestley tried yet?

  18. Eugenio Xie Avatar

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  19. cover letter Avatar

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  20. Christian Avatar

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