Hooniverse 24 Hours of Lemons: Another Season for the Buick

Buick hooniverse 24 lemons 2016
It’s hard to believe that this is the fourth season of our crapcan Buick racer. This year, like for the last two years, we are starting off at Real Hoopties of New Jersey, at New Jersey Motorsports Park. As always, we’re preparing ourselves for a fun weekend of racing and [then] drinking. We never attempt to be the fastest or best in class, but we try our best. We want to drive as much as possible, avoid track-side repairs as much as we want to avoid penalties. This is why few weeks before each race we gather together to go over the car, plan stuff, and decide what food to bring.

Buick hooniverse 24 lemons 2016 engine
We finished in the top five of our class in the last two races (Thompson, New Hampshire) we have entered, so we have decided to continue on that path and not to make any big changes this time around. We have a bit of a fuel issue: small factory tank and long refuel time. We got some new gas cans with high-flow caps but getting a fuel cell proved to be too costly. Not to say that we’re really cheap/broke, but we have always worked in the spirit of Lemons, and despite the fact that there is no financial limit on a fuel tank, we chose to spend our money somewhere else.
Tires were a big problem for us in New Hampshire. We killed our brand new 245/40-17 Continental  ExtremeContact DW in one race day. Despite the advise from Tire Rack, this was simply not a good tire for us. The steel-belts were coming out on the outside front shoulder and pictures showed the outside tire completely folding in corners, with the rim almost touching the ground. After significant research we chose to buy four new Dunlop Direzza ZII Star Specs. Pricey little effers, but hopefully they’ll last and provide good grip. Unless it rains again, then we’ll be hosed.
Buick hooniverse 24 lemons 2016 brakes
The current engine and transmission have two races on them and seem strong. We had no oil starvation issues after Andy welded in baffles in the oil pan. Brakes have never been an issue, so they’re staying as they are. We checked our wheel bearings, which are kind of weak on these cars, and we made sure that the factory suspension, with its top-secret-ish mods, isn’t complete shit. Our old radiator crapped out and we currently searching for a new one. Track-side preparations will/should be limited to checking air pressure and RainXing the windshield, which is usually my job.
We all have stuff that gets in the way of wrenching, such as jobs and families, so while we wanted to change the theme, we simply didn’t have the time. We still have the same paint scheme and the same park bench on the trunk lid. After all, it isn’t easy to improve on perfection. Our Mother’s Day MILF sex doll, which we place on the bench for each May race, has spurn a leak and we did not bother to replace it. Coincidentally, my wife ran out of unwanted lingerie to donate to the race.
For those wondering how the other Hooniverse east coast Lemons car is doing, the Lada, it runs! And it runs strong! A whole lot of parts have been ordered but not yet installed. Some parts take longer to get here. No progress has been made on the theme but I can say that it will not be communist in any way, because fuck the commies. It is currently stored at Ciro’s Auto Body and as soon as all the parts are in, I’ll get to work on it. After that it will need a roll cage upgrade. I am not sure if it will be ready for the August Thompson race.
Buick hooniverse 24 lemons 2016 leroy
And now some sad news. Leroy, my teammate Andy’s dog, our beloved team dog, has gone to doggie heaven after a battle with cancer. Those who have come to our track campsite know what a great dog Leroy was. He was a lovable mutt that was adopted by Andy twelve years ago when he was just one. In his life, Leroy had some great experiences, including numerous Jeeping/camping trips in New England and Pennsylvania, meeting a NYC police horse, snowboarding Tuckerman’s Ravine, visiting seven national parks, moving to/from Sacramento, riding a locomotive, and attending all of our races.
Rest In Peace, Leroy. We will miss you dearly.

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  1. Sjalabais Avatar

    Is we never attempt to be the fastest or best in class just a disclaimer or do you really not expect to catch a win or two? You guys have done well and with all that experience under your belt, in a good car…why not get more ambitious? Which is not to say I don’t get it; I would probably be the same. But that would be entirely due to a special blend of incompetence and stinginess.

    1. Kamil K Avatar

      Being ambitious only leads to greater failure.

  2. dukeisduke Avatar

    The fourth season on the same car? Don’t shout it too loud, lest you tempt fate. And, rest in peace, Leroy.

  3. Adam Garrett Avatar
    Adam Garrett

    You should look into an Impala 9C1 (police) package radiator. Same W-Body so it will fit your regal, but a thicker core for police-duty. Worth investigating! I ran a ’97 Grand Prix lemon car, same car just a different body. The Direzza star-spec were great!