Help a Hoon: Curse of the Neun-Elf

<i>Help me help you!</i>
Help me help you!

There are many tasks that are difficult, and then there are those peculiar few challenges that seem completely insurmountable. This is where only eagles dare, where the brave stalwartly reside. And then there are tasks that make grown men weep: like conducting an intervention on a Porschephile to cure him of his self-destructive habit.

ugly blue.jpg (JPEG Image, 640x480 pixels)
Let’s get one thing straight before you all go and flame the bejesus out of this thread: I’m not hating on air-cooled Porsches. As they say, Porsche’s one hell of a drug. I love those quirky motors, with their prodigious leaks, the thermal expansion issues, pulled head studs, the impenetrable service manual. But to play with fire, you have to bring a fire extinguisher, and in the case of Stuttgart’s finest, that fire extinguisher suffocates the flames with your life savings. My good friend and fellow hoon, let’s call him Ricardo, got the bug real bad when he got a great line on a cheap fixer upper – a ’76 911 Targa. Two years later, he’s got two busted (and worthless) 2.7 liter motors and a 3.0 out of an SC with the infamous broken head stud problem. He’s put a lot of sweat and curses into that impetuous fraulein, and he’s come up snake eyes. It was really a valiant effort, but there comes a time when all this too must pass.
So he likes ze Germans, and he wants some performance. And yet, despite all my pleading, he won’t even look askance at a Merc 190E 2.3 16V (as seen earlier today), or an M3 of any variety. I need to switch this guy off the hard stuff and onto a more tractable methadone-like vehicular substance. Faced with this situation, and an absolute top end of $12,000, how would you cure a Porsche addict of his habit?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

The maximum upload file size: 64 MB. You can upload: image, audio, video. Links to YouTube, Facebook, Twitter and other services inserted in the comment text will be automatically embedded. Drop files here

  1. Deartháir Avatar

    Dude, don't look at me… my addiction really isn't any better.

  2. Tanshanomi Avatar

    If you want "easy to live with" I can't say that "M3" would be my first choice. Cool car, but still crap that's gonna leave you strung out on the street. Why not just do a Miata or S2000 and enjoy your free weekends. Go to a movie! You'll have a few extra bucks.

    1. Han_Solex Avatar

      I wish he'd bite on a Japanese car. $12k would buy a really sick 240z (if he wants to preserve some classic sportscar elements), or even a decent S2000 as you point out. Those are manically fun to drive. (And he's driven my '95 Miata but wouldn't ever buy one – shame.) He's got it BAD.

  3. skitter Avatar

    But I can just see the beautiful potential in that Porsche.

    1. Deartháir Avatar

      I'm SO glad I'm not the only one who thought that…

      1. JeepyJayhawk Avatar

        Guys, that's one seriously beat Porsche. Yes it could be great, but damn.

      2. Tanshanomi Avatar

        It's a pandemic!

  4. Maymar Avatar

    Maybe convince him to drop something less German in the back of his 911, be it some form of LS V8, a Subaru flat-6, or something I haven't thought of yet. Or, direct him towards a Porsche 914 – it's a gateway car. He might see it as being the little brother to his immobile vehicle, and warm up to it. Next thing you know, he's moved on to all forms of air-cooled V-dubs (you know he's got it bad when he's driving a Squareback). And maybe one day, he'll have gone reasonably conventional and bought a used Audi TT, to which he immediately ups the boost.

  5. Jeff Glucker Avatar
    Jeff Glucker

    Get an M6 and have Mad_Science spruce it up…

    1. Han_Solex Avatar

      You are mad, sir! Mad, I say!

  6. BrianTheHoon Avatar

    If you can get him our of Deutschland:
    If not, this one's a looker:

  7. PowerTryp Avatar

    Unfortunatly the only way to get someone off of his 911 tract (if he isn't willing to leave) is to lead him down another alley of Porscheness, I now recomend to you either a 924 Turbo from 1981/1982 or a Porsche 944 from 1985-1/2 and up and last but not least 928 if he doesn't mind going with an auto.
    The Porsche mindset runs deep and hard but I know personally from owning a 924 turbo that it's good fun and it's cheaper then a 911. Also theres a bunch of open knowledge out there from places like Rennlist, Pelican Parts and
    To be completely honest though I don't think he'll budge especially if he's two years in and still has nothing but parts and pieces and no running car.

  8. P161911 Avatar

    A Corvair with a V-8 conversion. Lots of power and the engine in the wrong end of the car. Likely to break down, but cheap to fix. You just wouldn't have a really snobby club to join.
    $12k will get a pretty nice LT-1 C4 Vette. TORQUE and handling without the quality or precision.

    1. Deartháir Avatar

      Eugh. Not to be argumentative, but from where I stand, there is no such thing as a "nice" C4 Corvette… except perhaps one that has been treated to a great deal of C4 explosives. Them's some UGLY, tacky-looking cars.

      1. skitter Avatar

        You need to see a Gran Sport, or perhaps a ZR-1 in person. I suppose reputation helps appearances.

      2. P161911 Avatar

        Personally, every time I see a rear engined Porsche I think VW Bug. I think the 91 aero refresh really helped the looks of the C4s. As the former owner of a 94 Vette, I thought the C4s were pretty good looking cars, and a great bang for the buck to drive.

  9. engineerd Avatar

    With all due respect, this is the wrong group of people to come to for help with getting someone off their addiction. We're a group of freaks who like '70s British cars with their Lucas electrics, '60s French cars with their hydropneumatic suspensions and ridiculous accents, Cold War era Soviet metal, and anything else that sane people have shrugged off as dangerous, too costly for its worth, and detrimental to the general well-being of society.
    Having said that, and if he's refusing BMW and Mercedes, might I suggest something Italian. For $12k he could buy 2 Fiat Spiders or a fully restored 500.
    If that's not potent enough, maybe a Maserati. Like a '64 3500 GTI ($10,000) or a '66 Mistral ($9300).

  10. JeepyJayhawk Avatar

    I guess it could be worse…
    <img src=>

    1. Tanshanomi Avatar

      Oohh. I just got a really cold shiver down my spine, and strange metallic taste in my mouth. I gotta lie down…

  11. BrianTheHoon Avatar

    If you can get him aus of Deutschland:
    If he's dead-set on a new Project Fraulein, this one is a real looker:
    BTW, Worst CL Ad ever. Figures it was by the owner of a "Slandnose":

  12. Eggwich Avatar

    An addict would have pawned that watch a long time ago.

  13. Eggwich Avatar

    PS O hurr durr! I is new!