If you are like us, you spend a considerable amount of time reading classified ads for cars.  They usually contain the same information.  “Nice car, low mileage, all the options” etc…  Classified ads, let’s face it, are utilitarian.  But occasionally, you find a gem in the pile.  This ad is just such a gem. 

Click through for the double whammy.

The text of the ad is as follows.  The car being sold is an ordinary Ford Escort…or so I thought.

“Well. The wait is over. The most ballingest car ever is finally on the market. This one-of-a-kind ZX2 coupe is to the limit. And it takes no prisoners.

Thats a double whammy.

Features? Yeah, its got em. Like how about it comes in sparkly, get-rich-or-die-tryin green. That means its camouflaged in the forest or lush fields of grass where you will undoubtedly be taking your lady (or ladies if youre driving this) for a picnic of skewered lamb and frosty beverages. Green = the new whatever color you want. Green = mother natures cloaking device.

Its got privacy glass so you can do whatever the eff you want as you blitz past zombies on the freeway. Plus, while everyone else is looking at each other picking their nose, youll be chillin in a darkened cocoon of comfort and maintaining the mystique and mystery that comes naturally when you own a ZX2.

30+ MPG? Uh-huh. Get out there and explore, Magellan.

Air Con? Check. Keep cool, my brother.

Cruise Control? Oh most definitely. Dont be like everyone else on the freeway with their stop-slow-and-go driving. Lock this baby in at 85 – Utah’s real speed limit – and save on the MPGeezle.

Power windows? Power locks? Power steering? Thats a fatty mcfatty yes.

AM/FM, 6-Disc CD changing entertainment extravaganza? You know it.

Leather interior? Rare for ZX2s – but not this one. Because luxury is seats that feel smooth on your butt.

Zippy 4-speed auto tranny? Indubitably.

And before you ask, no youre not dreaming – yes, that is a spoiler back there and yes. . . you want this car. Bad.

This well-maintained and fully restored beauty is a salvage title. It was bought out of an insurance pool after getting into a tiny fender bender (i.e. vicious car cock fight. . . which it won. . . with metal and brawn).

The right front fender was dented, but then replaced by a cadre of men who were born in garages and bottle-fed Penzoil. Basically all that means is now this amazing piece of machinery has more character than your neighbors lame van.

Bottom line: if this car were any more advanced, it would stand up and say ‘Autobots, roll out!’”

Despite the fact that I am not in the market for an older Escort, I would like to thank Doug, who wrote the ad here, on www.ksl.com in Provo, Utah for his effort.  Good luck selling your ZX2!

Scott Ith is an Associate Editor with Hooniverse.com, but he also contributes to his own site NeedThatCar.com.  Head over there for more hooniganism.