Classic Captions – The 1959 Mercury Colony Park Country Cruiser Edition


Welcome to the Hooniverse Classic Captions Post. This is a series of posts that are set to run this time each week, so let’s review the premise; I search for images that were used by the car companies in their print advertising or brochures, and it is your job to provide a humorous, snarky, or thought provoking caption that is some how tied in with the image. This week, it’s a poolside party, but we will get to that in a moment…
Last week, we had an image of a marriage of convenience, and the responses were all very well done. The runner-up comment was from the Hoonmiverse Brew Master himself, Irishzombieman☆ (now with a star!), and it went something like this: “The picture was cropped for advertising purposes. Present to the left of the groom, and unseen by you the reader, stood Colin Chapman himself, holding a shotgun.” Very well tied in with the image, so bravo Irishzombieman☆!

However, there was one excuisite caption that garnered the most votes for the week, and it came from the mind of OA5599 (yes, again). This caption tied in all the elements of what Lotus is suppose to be, and then some: “From the company that brought you the Elan, Elise, Eleven, and Elite…The new Lotus Elope. Finally, a bride that won’t complicate and add heaviness.” Very clever OA5599, and once again you come out on top (Pun Intended!) with a very well done Classic Caption.

It’s now time to take a look at this weeks image, and it is a Print Advertisement for the 1959 Mercury Colony Park Country Cruiser Wagon, in what was suppose to be a very suburban setting. It looks like three good looking couples gathering around an in-ground swimming pool, but it looks like the driver of the wagon is still in his work suit, instead of a bathing suit. What is it with late 50s or early 60s automobile advertising when placing a car so close to a swimming pool? Why is the guy with the wagon still dressed anyway? Is there something about to go on afterwards? And who do you think clears these images from the ad agency in the first place? (You can click here to see the full size image)

You have the next five days to come up with a great caption. The editors will deliberate entries, and after contemplating our own caption, we will pronounce a winner. So, get to work and create you’re own caption for this very interesting image.

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43 responses to “Classic Captions – The 1959 Mercury Colony Park Country Cruiser Edition”

  1. Gooberpeaz Avatar

    "Hurry back, dear and don't forget the girls want ribbed condoms."

  2. Irishzombieman☆ Avatar

    OA5599, there were some good ones this week, but yours was one of the best in a long time. I doff my cap to you.
    Your beer prize is on its way to you. That little green spec on the hood of the Challenger? A sixer of Sierra Nevada Torpedo. Good stuff. Hope it gets to you intact.
    <img src="; width="500/">

    1. OA5599 Avatar

      Many thanks for the beer. I hope whoever delivers it knows to drive around the bulldozers.

      1. ˏ♂ˊ mzs zsm msz esq Avatar
        ˏ♂ˊ mzs zsm msz esq

        <img src=""&gt; Now that I think about it, so do I OA5599, so do I. Wishing you a special Halloween. Your caption was excellent, total agreement with IZM (whose was none too shabby either), one of the best in a while, and funny in about three doses.

  3. $kaycog Avatar

    Congratulations, OA5599, on your winning caption! Here's a Lotus Elise for you.
    <img src=""width="500"/&gt;

    1. OA5599 Avatar

      Is that Eloise posing with it?

  4. dukeisduke Avatar

    Dr. Richard Kimble, with Lt. Gerard just one town behind him, asks if anyone at the pool party has seen a one-armed man.

    1. Devin Avatar

      Alas, all they found was a one-footed woman.

    2. Vairship Avatar

      "A one-armed bandit? Yes, he just ran into that casino behind you!"
      "Darn it, now I'll never know which one it was".

  5. Irishzombieman☆ Avatar

    As he climbed out of his Merc at the end of a long day at the office, Fred couldn't help but wonder politely who the hell these people were, and how they'd managed to install a pool where his driveway had been just ten hours before.

  6. mkep819 Avatar

    The neighborhood always looked forward to Jim's turn running the carpool.

    1. Jim Brennan Avatar
      Jim Brennan

      Bet your ass they do…

  7. Peter Tanshanomi Avatar
    Peter Tanshanomi

    The 1959 Colony Park Country Cruiser — 18% shorter braking distance than a Mazda Miata!
    <img src=""&gt;

    1. fodder650 Avatar

      Keith Moon approved!

    2. Vairship Avatar

      Even deploying that yellow brake parachute proved to be too little too late.

  8. stigshift Avatar

    Though not completely clear on the concept, Bob and Marsha were initially thrilled when they learned the carpool lane was going right through their back yard.

  9. Devin Avatar

    "Dave, we said wear your swim suit!"

  10. CalculatedRisk Avatar

    "Get the hell outta my pool, its time to see if this land yacht will float."

  11. LTDScott Avatar

    Go home Ted Kennedy, you're drunk.

  12. Alff Avatar

    This is the very moment that Don Draper's insurance rates began to climb.

  13. OA5599 Avatar

    Violet and Beverly phoned Fred to tell him they would team up to give his woody some extra-special attention at the pool party.
    He wasn't entirely sure what they had in mind, but was always up for new experiences.

  14. Joe Btfsplk Avatar
    Joe Btfsplk

    "Merc-o!" "Pool-o!" Ahhhh… 1958 was a fabulous year!

  15. desolit Avatar

    Don Draper – " A man needs 10 minutes at the bottom of a pool when he gets out of a Country Cruiser."

  16. desolit Avatar

    Nothin like stuntin' pool side to show off your (moms) car to impress the ladies.

  17. desolit Avatar

    "what? this isnt a logical place to park?" – Hunter S. Thompson

  18. Neen85 Avatar

    Debra was relaxing in the mild 80 degree temperature of neighbor Tom's newly installed backyard pool.
    Marie was there, her legs as perfect as ever…'how does she do it?' And of course the completely flaky couple down the street, i think they are the Johnsons or something like that. Why does Tom insist on them coming down? All they do is make us feel cheap and non-perfect. Driving around that fancy red Mercedes convertible…God I hate those pretentious perfect humans. Look at them, acting totally in love and enamored with each other by the ladder. I bet she isn't even a real blonde. Thank God Jim will be here soon. He promised me a new car, something amazing that would surely impress everyone. Jim is such a good guy but I question his taste. I mean, he still drives that thirty-year-old Ford. But Jim will come through, he always does.
    A low rumbling engine noise comes from the street corner, the noise gathering strength until a long red and wood 'thing' appears next to the pool. Debra is awe-struck not really knowing how to react. 'What the Hell is THAT' she thinks to herself.

    "Good Afternoon my fellow neighbors!" Jim says as he steps out of the brand new Mercury wagon. "Well Hon, what do you think of your new car?!"
    Debra looked inquisitive at her jubilant husband, then the reality hit her hard. That THING was her new car. The car that was supposed to silence that blonde bitch up once and for all. There it was; a never ending stretch of iron and wood paneling. Her stomach started to sink. Her bowels started to quiver. Before she could even realize it…her body showed her disdain of this 'gift' from her husband.
    "Debbie, what do you think? She's a beauty isn't she?!"
    "I think we need to get out of the pool."

  19. Irishzombieman☆ Avatar

    Suddenly someone in the house started yelling. "Hey! My keys! Oh, crap! Keith! Keith Moon! Stop! Stop! STOOOOOOOP!"

  20. ReneM Avatar

    The 1959 Country Cruiser keeping you safe on the highway and from a pool of acid.

  21. $kaycog Avatar

    ♫ Well, I did have the money, and I told you what I'd do.
    I went downtown and bought me a Mercury or two.
    Crazy 'bout a Mercury;
    Lord I'm crazy 'bout a Mercury. ♫

  22. mkep819 Avatar

    When he drives a new car off the lot, it increases in value.
    Panhandlers give him money
    He can drive a station wagon, and still attract women…
    He is the most interesting man in the Hooniverse

  23. Batshitbox Avatar

    Submitted for your consideration, the young couples of Mecville:
    They laugh, they swim, they wax their woodies and tipple their highballs and smile. But no one in Mecville ever looks into the sky, or even into the horizon, or even into the next yard. Because there is no sky, nor horizon, nor even a house next door. Mercville; a town surrounded by nothing, a drifting existential horror you'll find in…
    The Twinlight Zone

    1. Peter Tanshanomi Avatar
      Peter Tanshanomi

      I'm sorry that you're not further toward the top of the list. I hope the late start doesn't prevent upvotes because THAT deserves to win.

      1. Batshitbox Avatar

        Mercville! Jeez I proofread that four times, but since 'Mercville' isn't a word I just ignored the red underline. How did I mis-spell it twice? The 'c' key on my work keyboard has been acting up, I wonder if the 'r' key on my home machine is on the fritz, too.
        Thanks for the green thumb!

  24. I_Borgward Avatar

    Hey, buddy! You're not cruising in the country anymore. You're in Colony Park, and we leave our cars in our driveways.

  25. Van_Sarockin Avatar

    Just remember, there's no 'Colony Park' in the 'ool'.

  26. robbydegraff Avatar

    "Hello, ladies"

  27. Rust-MyEnemy Avatar

    If he had turned up in an Edsel this image wouldn't have been possible for two reasons)
    A:) Everybody would be pointing and laughing;
    II:) He would have gone there under cover of darkness.

  28. longrooffan Avatar


  29. Jim B Avatar
    Jim B

    Look everybody! Bob has a woodie!

    1. Irishzombieman☆ Avatar

      HA HA HA!

  30. LynnC Avatar

    "Thanks anyway, but I'm not jumping in. I already took a soaking bringing this beast home."

  31. Jim M Avatar
    Jim M

    Seeing the lovely ladies in their swimsuits, Don's woody was hard to conceal.

  32. Vairship Avatar

    Mr. Jones laughs heartily as the soon to be ex-Mrs. Jones and her new beau get ready to drag themselves out of the pool. They were so busy making out on the wide front bench seat, they never noticed that Mr. Jones had craftily parked the car with the door right over the pool…