A Little Eye Bleach Here (Rant)

Okay, here’s the thing, I don’t think I can ever watch Top Gear again. And I mean the real one, not the Victoria Bitters-fueled Aussie version, or the Day of the Dead that calls itself the U.S. edition, but the steak and kidney pie, god save the queen, if it’s not British it’s crap ye olde Top Gear we all knew and loved.

That is, until last night’s episode.

What was it that drove me to potentially stop downloading episodes from Finalgear watching the episodes on BBC America, and then patronizing all the program’s advertisers so they’ll keep paying to put the show on the air? Well, it wasn’t the 959/F40 bit, that gave me a bit of a chub, and it wasn’t the lard-ass star in a reasonably priced car, as I pretty much fast-forwarded through that after finding out it wasn’t once again Amber Heard.

No, what potentially may be ending my Top Gear viewing days occurred in Jezza’s bit about racing God Almighty to get from the western-most bit of Britain to the eastern-most before the sun, and it wasn’t the blurring of his wristwatch so you couldn’t see that the takes of him commenting behind the wheel were not linear. It was what happened at the end of that segment that is really making me not want to sleep having seen it, for fear that the vision will haunt my dreams. If you dare to see what cannot be unseen, and potentially ruin any future Top Gear watching enjoyment, then click on the NSFL jump. You have been forewarned.

Clarkson coin slot, that is what did it.

That chubby that was caused by the 959/F40? Gone. Any future chubbies? Unlikely. It happened while he was getting out of the car to flaunt the Jaaaag’s superiority over the king of kings, and in a cruel bit of kismet, God chose to show his wrath, not to Clarkson, but to the viewing audience.

Now I realize that this bit was supposedly shot on the Summer solstice- the shortest day of the year. And that day, even in Britain, might be somewhat warm, but that does not excuse Jezza from wearing a shirt that is not long enough to be tucked in, or at least cover his southern canyon land. Hell, it was such a gaping shot, I half expected to see James Franco down there trying to saw his arm off.

Now maybe a middle-aged man’s back break isn’t as shocking to you as it is to me, and to be honest, if it had been anyone else’s coin slot up there, say Amber Heard’s, I wouldn’t have gotten so freaked. But that fact that it was Jezza playing the plumber really skieved me out, the way it does when you’re a kid and you realize that your dad has sex. . . with your mom. Unclean! Unclean!

I’ll give the show another chance next week season, but if there’s a return engagement of south-side Johnny, I’m outta’ there.

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22 responses to “A Little Eye Bleach Here (Rant)”

  1. tiberiusẅisë Avatar

    If it helps, here's the photog that took the shot.
    <img src="http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRNszp0z_JdxWVGV4LWjfq2GScAecWhxxlL3VUNDJsAFQUXmozngg&quot; width="400">

  2. Foxtrotzed Avatar

    **sigh** There won't be a next week until June…

  3. Manic_King Avatar

    Whoa. What I suppose was probably 1-2 sec. view of coin slot caused this rant? Wow. Disillusionment. Old guys, even semi-god Clarkson, do have usually ugly bodies. Jeesh.

    1. LTDScott Avatar

      Ha, no kidding. And I've seen a lifetime's worth of asscrack while watching people wrench on LeMons cars.

  4. P161911 Avatar

    If this upsets you that much, NEVER hire a plumber.

    1. dukeisduke Avatar

      Or a refrigerator repairman.

  5. Rust-MyEnemy Avatar

    Indeed. I'd had a heavy night at the Chappel and Wakes Colne Winter Beer festival, seeing the Clarkson black hole didn't help me out one jot.
    That said, that's one factor that makes me love Top Gear all the more, the feeling that everybody, from the presenters right through to the VT editors seem to be having fun. They could have omitted it, any lesser TV program would have done, but leaving it in was much funnier. From the powerful, suave XJ to Jezzas brown valley. What a contrast.

  6. alewifecove Avatar

    So, I had to read a bunch shlock and click thru for that? JEEBUS!! I see this stuff every day. Big Freakin Deal.
    You, my good man, need a hobby.

  7. Alff Avatar

    Big deal. Clarkson's always been a cheeky monkey.

  8. frenzic Avatar

    Not really worth any time if you ask me. On a TG note, I find each episode is less about the actual testing of cars. This has been going on for some time now, there is a lot of filler in the schedule in the form of challenges and stars. The law of the handicap of a head start wreaks havoc on my fav show and I would love to see them redeem themselves. There are not very many good shows on cars around.

  9. frenzic Avatar

    That jag sounded nice though

  10. Target29 Avatar

    "Hell, it was such a gaping shot, I half expected to see James Franco down there trying to saw his arm off."
    Spit my coffee all over the office….

    1. mr. mzs zsm msz esq Avatar
      mr. mzs zsm msz esq

      That cracked me up too 😉 Anyway he's (Clarkson, not the guy that said "congrats nerds" after a whole 20s of technical Oscars) got a beer gut any guy can be proud of. But it seems he insists on wearing the same jeans he has since he was 18 to this day. So he crams into them, cinches a belt under the now extra extended gut, and this is the result – surely someone else at the BBC was just having a bit of sport (is that what they say over there?) about his poor fashion sense when it comes to jeans.

  11. CptSevere Avatar

    Great. I just started my day off looking at a Vertical Smile. Thanks, Mr. Emslie.
    These expensive, low slung, relatively cramped supercars are mainly owned by wealthy older guys with a bit of a gut and expanding asses, so this malady is probably more common than you'd think. If the cars were actually designed so their owners could get in and out without exposing this unfortunate affliction, they'd look like an Econoline.

  12. BЯдΖǐL-ЯЄРΘЯΤЄЯ Avatar

    Could be worse, or better (depends on the eye of who´s looking)
    Click if you dare
    ED: Sorry, had to put that behind a link

    1. citroen67 Avatar

      Ah…ah…AHHHHHHH!!!!!! Get it off! Get that image off of my eyes!!! It buuurnnnnsszzzzzzuuhhhhh!!!

    2. Brett MacPherson Avatar
      Brett MacPherson

      Butt-Cleavage + Aviators + Burt Reynolds upper lip = Enough awesome to last a millennium.

      1. FuzzyPlushroom Avatar

        Yeah… oh, man, that moustache.

  13. Mr_Biggles Avatar

    The little warning inside the moon buggy later in the same episode would have helped here:
    <img src="http://img695.imageshack.us/img695/9422/topgears16e060057502011.jpg&quot; width="500">
    Not sure if the hotlink will take or not. Image here <a href="http://img695.imageshack.us/i/topgears16e060057502011.jpg/” target=”_blank”>http://img695.imageshack.us/i/topgears16e060057502011.jpg/

    1. RevPiper Avatar

      Reminds of "The Battle of the Bulge". You remember that battle, right?