Showdown: Vannin'

If there’s one trend that Hoons the world over mourn, it’s the penchant for extraordinarily hairy men to gut a shorty van and fill it full of shag carpet, teardrop windows, and sci-fi murals. Unlike that terrible swing dancing trend that nauseated the country for several years in the ‘90s, we think that shag vans deserve another day in the sun (or parked under an overpass). Today’s Showdown pits two flavors of the same “don’t shine a blacklight into it!” style of custom van against each other. May the best van win. Perfect for either the long-haired FoMoCo fan or the creepy guy in the basement who had a crush on Daphne from Scooby Doo, this ’65 Ford E100 Econoline van is ready for a whole lot of Dio-soundtracked heavy petting. From the white faux fur to the crushed blue velvet-wrapped bed, this van has it all! There are mirrors on the wall, a working 8-track player, and enough gonorrhea lurking around to create a very special intimate environment for you and a couple of your closest groupies. Of course, with this much good taste draped all over the inside, who cares about the $2000 worth of cosmetic damage to the passenger side cargo doors? Craigslist (Go HERE if the ad disappears.) On the other hand, there’s this muraled ’77 Dodge shorty, whose mesa-studded southwestern essentially requires you to wear spurred boots and a leathery tan. Plus, it’s dark and furry interior resembles a sasquatch’s hairy bowels and commands you to SHAG! with a painted mirror over the bar. In other words, it exudes class and tastefulness out of every cocaine-and-sweat-preserved surface. The 318 won’t light any fires under the rear end, but it will surely outdrag (and possibly outshag) the Ford’s puny 170 six. The custom spare cover alone is probably worth the current $610 bid, and the Jersey plates are keepers for added “get the children inside NOW! That van’s cruising again!” effect. A healthy dose of steam cleaning and a hotter Mopar lump and this van is your ticket to an endless stream of low-key sexual experiences and brushes with the law. In other words, the perfect first car for your teenage son! Ebay Motors (Go HERE if the ad disappears.) So what’ll it be? The fur-lined Ford, or the Dodge shaggin’ wagon? [poll id=”7″]

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