Hooniverse Slave Labor Penalty: The GM Banned Words List

Big Red Racing 24 hours of lemons [Ed: Back in 2008, “Old GM” employees were instructed to keep their commentary when filing reports on vehicles to purely matter-of-fact technical terms and avoid terms with emotional connotations. “New GM” says they’ve changed their ways. Proprietor of Evil Genius Racing, LeMons tech and safety boss guy and generally kickass fellow John Pagel thought it would make a great LeMons penalty. Car #99 of rookie team Big Red Racing managed to be the right combination of lovable, terrible and clueless enough to end up writing this post using all 69 words.] Fellow Hoons, as always it is with suicidal tendency and crippling humility that we come before you. We have been bad. Our tomblike deathtrap has had a cataclysmic catastrophe on a greater scale than the Titanic and the Hindenburg combined. Our startling and flawed attention to safety has resulted in a Kevorkianesque rolling sarcophagus. Bandaids should never be seriously used to correct a problem in a car. Defective safety related equipment can cause grenade-like spontaneous combustion. Apocalyptic failure of our rolling powderkeg could result in a horrific inferno dangerous to the entire race, potentially ending in genocide. Defect can cause the car to detonate and the resulting conflagration can result in asphyxiating and suffocating conditions on the track. The unstable nature of our car can only be described as pure evil or maybe Corvair-like (those widowmakers are almost as bad as Challengers [I think GM meant the shuttle, not the competitor’s muscle car – Ed]). The roll cage failed, resulting in gruesome impaling and mangling, mutilating and disemboweling our driver. Our terrifying car brakes like an “X” car and even though we have dreams of the big time, the chaotic suspension at times seemed to be malicious and condemns all drivers to a grisly death. We cannot annihilate our competition, even though we desperately want to scream at them, “You’re toast!” We considered enfeebling our car in order to make it less life-threatening, but the car came to life and in a maniacal rage began maiming and decapitating everyone, which left them hobbling. The ghastly results of our now alive Frakencar, have resulted in a critical threat to all life on earth, he won’t stop until he has eviscerated Kurt Cobain, who is already dead, so the car will never be satisfied. Now he is terrifying the countryside, lacerating farm animals and debilitating tractors until he explodes, in a potentially disfiguring blast. May God help us all! [It’s good to know they’re consistent, writing as well as they race =p -Ed]

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