Hooniverse Asks: What's The Most Dickish Sign You've Ever Seen on a Vehicle?

I know that it’s an important aspect of society that we all let others around us know that we are in constant judgement of their actions and behaviors, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy being on the receiving end of one of those impudent missives.
Not only do most of us like to give others a piece of our minds, but quite a few of us like to use our cars as mechanisms for delivering those opinions. Maybe it’s someone’s plaintive plea that we all CoExIst. Or, perhaps it’s a directive that should you not like the driver’s courtesy that you can address your concerns by calling 1-800-dineonpoo.
Whatever the edict, declaration of political fealty, or what the hell minor accolade their three year old achieved, a lot of people like to advertise it on their cars. What I’d like to know is, what’s the worst one you’ve ever seen?
Image: Zazzle

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  1. Windbüchse Avatar

    Not that I’m fond of the ubiquitous counterpoint…

    1. Surfer Sandman Avatar
      Surfer Sandman

      I like it. I’m the type that doesn’t give a shit about your kids…at all. LOL. I don’t want to hear about them or see them.

    1. Vairship Avatar

      Not on a vehicle, but…

  2. neight428 Avatar

    The willingness to express any particularly caustic bit of attitude to anyone unfortunate enough to be behind you in traffic really loads up the preconceptions one has of the vehicle owner. Diesel pickup truck owners from the hinterlands are often fond of puns involving “Cummins” and “stroke” (as in Power Stroke, Ford’s proprietary masculine diesel tagline). It is YouTube video level commentary writ large on a bumper or rear window, with the added visual that usually confirms that people who think like that really do look exactly as you imagine they would.
    Another nominee would be the woman driving the clapped out S-10 Blazer with the “If you’re going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair” on the rear window. I can’t even bring myself to look at the pure nightmare fuel in the driver’s seat. No one needs that image in their head.

    1. ninjabortion Avatar

      I’ve seen that “If you’re going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair” sticker in disney font next to a tinkerbell.

      1. neight428 Avatar

        Exactly. These things provide a great opportunity to indulge your inner psychoanalyst while passing the time through freeway monotony. Fairy/princess self-identification, check. Willingness to publically allude to rough sexual behavior, check. Now let’s build the Venn diagram on what sorts of folks have these characteristics and check our assumptions as we pass by.

      2. Sjalabais Avatar

        This is geared up to be a particularly sad Ask.

        1. neight428 Avatar

          Indeed. We are to ruminate over what disappoints us in our fellow man during an election year.

  3. Alff Avatar


    1. Sjalabais Avatar

      Earlier autocrats and even the Isrealis tried to hide the intention to build walls until they were a fact. “Niemand hat die Absicht, eine Mauer zu errichten” (Nobody has the intention to build a wall) is probably the most famous quote of the GDR-regime. Everybody knows what happened to Berlin.

      /Digression, yet relevant if we’re after social commentary

      1. CruisinTime Avatar

        There are over 500 miles of border fence already built to comply with the ” Secure Fence Act” signed into law in 2006.

    2. 0A5599 Avatar

      Roger Waters is certainly dickish, but The Wall is a masterpiece.

    1. Kiefmo Avatar

      What irritates me more than the sentiment is that whomever came up with this idea appropriated one of the best comic characters of all time — and drew him doing something totally out of character.

      1. Professor Lavahot Avatar
        Professor Lavahot

        See also: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bnZBHZv2qP0/TX6kNhCDdyI/AAAAAAAACT4/GLDt2KMEKZc/s1600/calvin1.jpg
        These guys may mean well, but the damage to the character is the same.

  4. CruisinTime Avatar

    I find this offensive.

    1. Kiefmo Avatar

      The most I could do is something along the lines of “Fine, Hillary. Jesus Tapdancing Christ. But only because the alternative has a slightly better chance of inviting Armageddon.”

    1. Maymar Avatar

      Hey, as long as they stick to the right lane too, that’s fine.

  5. ptschett Avatar

    I’m tempted to get the “Giant Meteor 2016” sticker. (Happy Asteroid Day!)

  6. E34Less Avatar

    Usually seen on Dodge/Ram trucks built in Mexico.
    Fun fact from the wiki page for RAM: The (Saltillo Truck Assembly) plant has won numerous awards and has been recognized as the Chrysler groups best truck facility in terms of build quality.

    1. Kiefmo Avatar

      The ignorance is astounding.

  7. Professor Lavahot Avatar
    Professor Lavahot

    Story time!
    So I’m about 7, it’s the early 90’s, somewhere on a 4-lane divided in central Texas, on a 10 hour-route from Houston to Midland. We did this often when I was a kid, our family is spread allll over the Lone Star State. We’re in Dad’s ’84 K5 Blazer, which with the anemic 305 is a little harried for highway use, but it can slowly climb to 70 if you have to. Dad does, he’ll always be a fast driver.
    We encounter the Cadillac. You all know the guy…he’s in the left lane, next to a governor-limited truck, cruise control on, at 60. He never moves. The line behind him is 1000 yards of flaring tempers and fruitless lane changing. Dad’s aggressive, he winds his way up to the peak of this thing, and gets real close…and we see:
    Or something like that…it’s around 1991. Get a load of this guy…he owns the road.
    What happens next tells you everything you need to know about Dad, and subsequently me: Sternly against Mom’s complaints, he yells back to me, quietly drawing in a sketchbook: “Hey Lavahot, write out a message for me! I get the fattest marker I can get and comply with his instructions.
    Once the shoulder gets relatively wide, Dad mashes it. He passes that land yacht on the shoulder. Once ahead, he tells me to get to the back window and hold up my sign.
    Man, I wish I knew where that sign ended up. I’d put it in a frame.

    1. Sjalabais Avatar

      I’m sure your story caused a parenting guides book shelf to implode somewhere around Portland or so…and it’s also a perfect illustration of what these bumper stickers are “good” for. Excellent.

  8. desmo Avatar

    both stickers are needed on tinted windows.

    1. Dean Bigglesworth Avatar
      Dean Bigglesworth

      Passed a late model light green Ranger today. Metallic Turquoise, almost. It had a Harley Davidson sticker, a chrome bush guard with about seventy lights, rear window covered in that steel with diamond shaped holes mostly used on stairs, and a “Back Off City Boy!” bumper sticker on the aftermarket chrome rear tube thingy. Piloted by a very large man and his equally large female companion. Cruising along one of the ring roads around the capital, in the middle lane at well below the speed limit. It’s always funny seeing a bit of Murica over here in Finland. Im sure he’d drive a RAM if he could afford it, but a Ranger is close enough.
      Speaking of pick ’em ups and windows stickers, back in the nineties there was a black S10 driving around here with WHITE POWER in massive white letters on the rear window. I’m fairly certain they weren’t shock absorber enthusiasts…

      1. Vairship Avatar

        Maybe they liked trucks?

  9. Batshitbox Avatar

    NSFW! Ever classy Somerville, Massachusetts… somewhere near where Beacon and Oxford streets meet. A bumper sticker so offensive I’ll have to use words that rhyme:
    “Don’t be a quitter, (pop song is a #1 _ _ _ ) ‘er in the (word for outhouse that rhymes with glitter)”
    Even I blushed.

    1. dead_elvis, inc. Avatar
      dead_elvis, inc.

      Sounds like the same kinda guy as the one with a huge (entire rear window-covering) decal reading “I like lipstick on the base of my dipstick” on the back of his 70-something Bronco that I see from time to time in Woodinville, WA.
      Said decal includes suggestive imagery, of course.

  10. outback_ute Avatar

    I can’t think of the worst one off the top of my head, but some of the anti-stick figure family signs are pretty unnecessary. Mild versions include 4×4’s running them over, or “I don’t give a F about your stick figure family”

  11. Preludacris Avatar

    I don’t see how this one is offensive. It’s a truthful message that some people need to get through their thick skulls. I have gotten completely fed up with left lane squatters and regularly pass on the right to help traffic flow better. One less car in the parade behind them.
    Of course this kind of offender is unlikely to notice or read a bumper sticker. Too busy watching their own speedometer.

    1. Dean Bigglesworth Avatar
      Dean Bigglesworth

      That’s true and one of the most annoying things when dealing with other motorists, but I would never put that on my car.
      Though sometimes I long for a power rear sunshade… I remember one video from long before youtube(probably streetfire) where a Merc had “Fuck You!” written on it, so you could deploy it only when actually needed.
      Edit: Holy shit i found it! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ND5F8cQAeBM also streetfire.net seems to be no more..?

      1. Preludacris Avatar

        Oh my. I need that! Maybe a more polite version that just says MOVE OVER —>

        1. Dean Bigglesworth Avatar
          Dean Bigglesworth

          A power sunshade seems like a very classy way of saying “fuck u”. But yeah Move Over is probably a better option.

    2. dead_elvis, inc. Avatar
      dead_elvis, inc.

      What if you’re seeing this in England, Japan, NZ, Oz…?

      1. Preludacris Avatar

        Edit: this is not intended to be rude toward English people, it’s just that my car has never been there and is not likely to be, since there’s a rather large ocean in between.

  12. Maymar Avatar

    This is actually more an admission of my ire towards other drivers. I spotted this on a car a couple years back, and assumed it was some passive-aggressive dickery from a left-lane bandit type. Turns out they just enjoy the Big Lebowski (and really, don’t we all?).

  13. OttoNobedder Avatar

    This can be read in the rear view mirror of the vehicle you are tail-gating(assuming that driver ahead ever looks in the rearview mirror)

  14. cap'n fast Avatar
    cap’n fast

    having access to a large label printer, i made a nice sticker for my oldest brother that reads ” buy rare metals-invest in brass and lead”. surprisingly, he is getting a lot of thumbs up on the highway

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