Hooniverse Asks: What vehicle would you use to storm Area 51?

Jeff Glucker

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So today’s the day… when the Internet rises up, meets in Nevada, creates LULZ and memes, and is then promptly taken out by the US Military. It’s Storm Area 51 day!

Were you to lead an invasion of a top secret military base, which vehicle would you use? The easy choice is a Hummer H1. Especially since you can find those in surplus auctions. An Ariel Nomad would be a smart choice for speed, maneuverability, and go-anywhere running gear. Perhaps a boring work van might be smart, to remain in the background while the other Internet denizens are slapped out of existence.

Which vehicle would you use to storm Area 51?

About

Jeff Glucker

Jeff Glucker

Jeff Glucker is the co-founder and Executive Editor of Hooniverse.com. He’s often seen getting passed as he hustles a 1991 Mitsubishi Montero up the 405 Freeway. IG: @HooniverseJeff

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24 responses to “Hooniverse Asks: What vehicle would you use to storm Area 51?”

  1. smalleyxb122 Avatar
    smalleyxb122

    Actually “storming” Area 51, or any military base, is a suicide mission no matter what you drive through the gates. Driving something that doesn’t appear to be a threat would give you the best chance of actually reaching the gate, though.

    There is probably someone within the list of authorized personnel who drives an F150. Probably a white one, since it’s in the desert. Go with a white F150.

    You still won’t get in, but the guards might not be on high alert until you actually reach the gate. When they stop you (and you should definitely stop) you can plausibly claim it’s a rental and you got lost, so they let you turn around and head home to tell all of your friends about that time you “stormed” Area 51.

    Reply
  2. Sjalabais Avatar
    Sjalabais

    Pretty sure these were on end of season epoche sale once. Showing up in this, you’ll do what gamerz call “tanking” – so that other players can fullfill their mission relatively unbothered…
    https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/4e/19-03-2012-Parade-rehearsal_-_Topol-M.jpg

    Reply
    1. Troggy Avatar
      Troggy

      Slots for five fire extinguishers with two missing sends a strong statement about reliability. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near that thing.

      I would love to see a camper conversion though…

      Reply
      1. Eric Rucker Avatar
        Eric Rucker

        I see *six* fire extinguisher slots, and two of them are just smaller, not missing?

        Reply
        1. Troggy Avatar
          Troggy

          On closer inspection, you may be right. Two are small grey ones for some specialty purpose (Oxygen maybe?). Still and all… some body thought that 3-6 extinguishers were necessary, and I don’t want to be close enough to find out why.

          Reply
  3. FastPatrick Avatar
    FastPatrick

    The number-one lesson of asymmetric desert warfare: speed and agility will always win over heavy firepower. Think Chadians in their Toyota pickups versus Libyan tanks.

    So take that to the rational end limit and add a can of dark tan spray paint.
    https://ultimatemotorcycling.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/2018-Yamaha-WR250F-Review-dirt-bike-13.jpg

    Reply
  4. mdharrell Avatar
    mdharrell

    Lure the ETs away from the facility and you don’t have to drive as far.

    https://barnfinds.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/1972-ford-big-cow-truck.jpg

    Reply
    1. P161911 Avatar
      P161911

      Hey, that is based off a Tug Belt Loader. Powered by either a Ford 300 Six or Deutz Diesel. https://www.aerospecialties.com/aviation-ground-support-equipment-gse-products/aviation-baggage-cargo-service-equipment/belt-loaders/tug-technologies-660-27-wide-body-belt-loader/

      Reply
  5. Christopher Tracy Avatar
    Christopher Tracy

    I really like the idea of a heavy hovercraft. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ae66afee61cb8a5a0e6a5cd65ec4b90f8eee8586305fb47784e9fc24b64a3de0.jpg

    Reply
  6. William Byrd Avatar
    William Byrd

    You gotta go Ghurka! hahaha
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/33e12f7dcfe753368b904896eb368bee6054d22193fac1e62bddd2c4a08202dc.jpg

    Reply
  7. Maymar Avatar
    Maymar

    https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/fictionalcompanies/images/a/a0/Lariat_XFiles.jpg

    Mid-90’s domestic midsize sedan with a Lariat Rent-A-Car sticker. The truth is out in there.

    Reply
    1. Tiberiuswise Avatar
      Tiberiuswise

      I was going to say a beige Corolla, but yeah.

      Reply
  8. P161911 Avatar
    P161911

    One that actually has a chance of getting in, Janet. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Janet_(airline) https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4cb105ba4e2bec09656f4675d722430486ae2695ac482a9e69141ff954433730.jpg

    Reply
  9. smalleyxb122 Avatar
    smalleyxb122

    Actually “storming” Area 51, or any military base, is a suicide mission no matter what you drive through the gates. Driving something that doesn’t appear to be a threat would give you the best chance of actually reaching the gate, though.

    There is probably someone within the list of authorized personnel who drives an F150. Probably a white one, since it’s in the desert. Go with a white F150.

    You still won’t get in, but the guards might not be on high alert until you actually reach the gate. When they stop you (and you should definitely stop) you can plausibly claim it’s a rental and you got lost, so they let you turn around and head home to tell all of your friends about that time you “stormed” Area 51.

    Reply
    1. Vairship Avatar
      Vairship

      It’s a secretive Government facility, so a black Tahoe or Suburban is the way to blend in! https://farm5.static.flickr.com/4009/4546635623_41f8d8212b_b.jpg https://images.hgmsites.net/hug/chevrolet-tahoe_100648645_h.jpg

      Reply
      1. 0A5599 Avatar
        0A5599

        Reply
    2. Troggy Avatar
      Troggy

      Reminds me of the answer to the question “Would the radiation kill me if I stormed a nuclear waste facility?”
      The security guard answered “Nope, the bullet wounds will get you well before the radiation does.”

      Reply
  10. Manic_King Avatar
    Manic_King

    Thunder 2 Cambli 4×4

    https://www.armyrecognition.com/images/stories/north_america/canada/wheeled_vehicle/thunder_2/pictures/Thunder_2_4x4_tactical_armoured_truck_personnel_carrier_police_security_vehicle_Cambli_Canada_Canadian_defense_industry_002.jpg

    Reply
  11. 0A5599 Avatar
    0A5599

    “C’mon, it’s Czechoslovakia. We zip in, we pick ’em up, we zip right out again. We’re not going to Moscow. It’s Czechoslovakia. It’s like we’re going into Wisconsin.”

    All those RVs, and not a single EM-50?

    https://scontent-frt3-2.cdninstagram.com/vp/07e04effb71d4999ec3a5e66f9b66d17/5DC2C11A/t51.2885-15/e35/65073192_453511232102462_1357845014424913134_n.jpg?_nc_ht=scontent-frt3-2.cdninstagram.com

    Reply
  12. Tiberiuswise Avatar
    Tiberiuswise

    Beer truck.

    Reply
  13. outback_ute Avatar
    outback_ute

    Apparently a single city bus would have catered for the ‘crowd’…

    Reply
    1. Sjalabais Avatar
      Sjalabais

      Yeah, what happened? It all fizzled away?

      Reply
      1. njhoon Avatar
        njhoon

        Abducted along the way?

        Reply
      2. outback_ute Avatar
        outback_ute

        I saw a headline that 75 people turned up

        Reply