Hooniverse Asks- What Kind of Girl (or Guy) is Your Car?

We all assign our vehicles some sort of personality based on their traits. Whether it be the guy with the axe from the Brawny® paper towel wrapper that comes to mind every time your see your F250, or the chick from An Education as you slip behind the wheel of your Se7en, something must come to mind.

We tend to anthropomorphize everything from our cell phones (stop touching it!) to our food (Charlie Tuna anyone?), to even our conveyances. We know that ships have traditionally been referred to in the feminine, but that practice hasn’t transitioned to personal transportation with equal furvor. There’s no common knowledge of the familial form of address that gladiators applied to their chariots, nor has the pioneer’s conestoga wagon been known in the feminine, despite being most commonly referred to as a prairie schooner.
But we all know our cars, and we know what gender they imbue. While it’s not based on the bosom-evoking headlight shapes, or the smirk-inducing pair of truck nuts hanging off the back, there is an immutable character that each possesses, and to which we assign a personality, and yes, even a sex.
So that being said, what pops to mind at the sight of your ride? Does it evoke an address in the feminine? Or, is it butcher than Rosie O’Donnell? Do its idiosyncrasies remind you of someone you’ve known, transferring your image of their personality onto it? What kind of girl (or guy) is your car?
Image sources: [gaffa.dk, vwkombi.com]

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163 responses to “Hooniverse Asks- What Kind of Girl (or Guy) is Your Car?”

  1. RSDeuce Avatar

    I guess I don't anthropomorphize my cars that much. I guess the car (a 2002 BMW M3) is beautiful rather than handsome, and sexy isn't something I would say about a dude. It must be female. I have talked to the car (please don't slide right now!) but I don't have a name for it (weird to me) and I haven't assigned it a gender. It really isn't a person to me (and none of my cars have been.) It is more of a pet (and an enthusiastic one at that), and who cares what sex your dog is? You love it either way, and treat it well.

    1. skitter Avatar

      I like the dog analogy. I've always resisted the idea of assigning my car a gender. It's very competent, enthusiastic when I'm on it, but difficult to read or assign emotion to. It's been named Eggy as long as I can remember (originally 'The Eggbeater'), but never elicits a "C'mon, boy" or "C'mon, girl". "C'mon, buddy" is plausible, but extremely infrequent. While it extends my hands to its front driven contact patches in decidedly quadrupedal fashion, and I am very attached to it, it's more a robotic pair of pants than a proper Gromit.

  2. lilwillie Avatar

    Raw, mean, nasty, hung like a horse ass kicking Pr0n star.

  3. skay¢og Avatar

    My car has no gender, but it must be female, because it's dependable and I can rely on it. (Just a joke, guys).
    And I've never named a car.

    1. Black Steelies Avatar

      sacrilege! hahah

    2. Alff Avatar

      Does it take 45 minutes to warm up before you can leave the house?

      1. skay¢og Avatar

        No, and neither do I. Smarty pants.

  4. engineerd Avatar

    All my cars are female, all my wife's are male. I don't know how this rule was arrived at, other than I've always referred to my cars in the feminine. I got that from my grandpa, who's '69 Chevy C/10 was named Betsy. My F-150, Betty, was definitely butch. She'd kick your ass, haul it to the junkyard, and not feel any remorse. My Mustang, Maggie, is not as butch. She's got some tomboy tendencies — attacking corners and driving with spirit are high on her list — but she also sometimes enjoys some more "girly" things, like a good washing and some extra pampering.

    1. SSurfer321 Avatar

      All my cars are female, all my wives are male.
      It's amazing the difference 1 letter can make!

      1. engineerd Avatar

        Which is why I read it three times to make sure I typed it correctly. That's one typo that Dearthair would have a field day with.

  5. BrianTheHoon Avatar

    MY DD is a 2010 Fusion SE with an I4. It's pretty much a no fuss, no muss kind of car. Comfortable, not trying to impress. It does the daily mundane grind without complaint and in a completely unassuming way, yet it cleans up well and is presentable enough for the occasional night out on the town. It's great with kids and their stuff. While not fast, it's not slow either and can muster impressive enough highway speeds. The suspension is not performance-minded but it does nicely on the twisties when pressed. The features like MS Sync, decent audio and power everything make it comfy and accommodating.
    Wow. I just realized my car is a housewife.

  6. Dr_Dangerously Avatar

    My current car is a female. Not timid but not that wild either. The kind of girl who might dye her hair an odd color, maybe has a tattoo or two, and sometimes likes to surf around SuicideGirls.com.
    Not a hot rod or sports car, but just enough to keep it interesting.

  7. scroggzilla Avatar

    I drive a 4 cylinder Honda Accord with a slushbox….so, I think it's a eunoch.

    1. BЯдΖǐL-ЯЄРΘЯΤЄЯ Avatar

      I would say the same about my truck, S10 super crew, without the famous nuts.

  8. Tanshanomi Avatar

    My wife and I actually had this conversation not too long ago, and decided:
    <img src="http://www.tanshanomi.com/temp/car-ids.jpg"&gt;
    The Town Car is Olympia Dukakis — older, sophisticated, still nice looking, in a non-racy way.
    The SuperCrew is Picabo Street — not exactly svelte, but still hot, and up for any outdoor adventure.

  9. damnelantra™[!] Avatar

    the whinny annoying kind.

  10. mgrinshpon Avatar

    I've thought about this a surprisingly large amount.
    My daily driver, a 2003 dark blue Mazda Protege5 is clearly a braindead man of some type. He's married to a GPS called Mrs. Tom, a TomTom GPS that actually keeps changing because I keep buying the newest ones. This man is a beast of burden- he lifts heavy loads, autocrosses, gets driven aggressively, and generally abused (save for maintenance) but takes it all in stride. I'm very pleased with his performance thus far.
    My garage maiden is Belle. She's a 1955 Chevrolet Bel Air 4 door sedan, kind, cancer-surviving, triple-bypass ignoring grandmother with the heart of an ox. No matter how torrid, painful, and brutal her life was, she just refuses to give up living. The body creaks and groans with every bump. The white from the walls of tires has long since faded into a gray even more depressing than an overcast sky. Inside her surprisingly rust free frame, sitting atop heavy duty suspension, beats an exhausted yet persistent 305 small block. It has a mismatched cam, gigantic heads, an awful intake manifold, awful connecting rods, an amazingly terrible fuel pump, a radiator with rocks in it (don't ask me how, I have no idea), and extreme amounts of surface rust, every time it dies, a bit of fuel in the float bowls and it just springs back to life. When it does live, it shakes the house with a thunder that Zeus would be proud of. Belle, my recently arrived RWD beauty of yesteryear, survivor of a torturous time, refuses to give up on what little she has left and brings a smile to my face every time I walk into the garage. A true champion anyone can be proud of.

    1. Black Steelies Avatar

      that just warms my heart. cool story, man

  11. Nater Avatar

    My '88 Toyota 4×4 Pickup is Truck-E, thanks to Wall-E. He's nice and all, but doesn't much. Likes to get dirty and do his job. Definitely has a heart, and has a hidden heroic side.

  12. Nater Avatar

    Doesn't *talk* much

  13. Texan_Idiot25 Avatar

    I'm told it resembles an old man from the front. It's not perticularly cute, or angry looking. It looks wise, I've been told
    <img src="http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e321/texan_idiot25/CST10/DSCN1092.jpg&quot; border="0" alt="Photobucket">
    <img src="http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e321/texan_idiot25/CST10/up52.jpg&quot; border="0" alt="Photobucket">

    1. lilwillie Avatar


    2. NefariouKunk Avatar

      Cool ride and great reference!

    3. BЯдΖǐL-ЯЄРΘЯΤЄЯ Avatar

      So you do ride Dearthair?

      1. Deartháir Avatar


        1. KAdams1476 Avatar

          Who knew that the elderly loved tennis so much?
          And Texan, I've always thought that the 68-72 Chevy pickup had a handsome, older gentleman visage. It's just an honest look that has no pretense about it.

    4. BrianTheHoon Avatar

      Dude, you have my dream truck!

  14. muthalovin Avatar

    My F-150 is the loyal family dog. Responds well to commands. Looks the part. Enjoys going for rides, but is will to be in the back yard all day. Drinks lots of water. Reasonably quick, compared to others. Mean when it wants to be. Getting on in years, so a few problems, but nothing catastrophic. My truck is like my dog. Dependable, loyal and fun.

  15. Eggwich James Dio Avatar
    Eggwich James Dio

    She's a girl (and a Mustang), but her name is White Castle, and honestly I associate her more with White Castle than any human traits. She's not good for you or the environment; driving her right is completely satisfying but also leaves you feeling a bit dirty (like eating a fifteen pack of WCs); she's a little bit low class but a whole lot of fun; and she uses a lot of oil. She's even the same shade of white as the White Castle boxes.

  16. dragon951 Avatar

    Ah the 951. She is akin to a smokin' hot 80's girl. At one point she was "simply irresistible," but now the hair seems a bit much for most people. I still love her though. Also she appears to have IBS: I keep finding puddles on the driveway.
    Oh yes, and she has no name, she is simply "the 951," much like Prince was "the Artist."

  17. Target29 Avatar

    After a bit of reflection, my '02 Neon shall be named Pam (from "The Office"). Sort of pretty, but not hot looking. Dependable and sort of fun with out a lot of attention needed.

  18. Tim Odell Avatar
    Tim Odell

    '06 WRXagon: short-haired, sporty, tomboyish girl. The kind where you're never quite sure which team she's playing for, but you hope to god it's yours.
    '00 Wrangler: Ain't no way this is anything but a dude. Probably like a younger park ranger, but one with one tattoo and one scar.
    '67 Country Sedan: Older gal, lots of kids, but will drink you under the table and knock your ass out given the opportunity.
    '64 Falcon: Honestly, haven't owned or driven it enough to get a real impression. Maybe a long-distance pen-pal girlfriend would be appropriate.
    '82 BMW 633csi (the Uberbird): Former Olympic-qualifier distance runner who since fell on hard times on the wrong side of town. We found her in a homeless shelter with a drug habit, but got her cleaned up and now she's back in competition.

    1. damnelantra™[!] Avatar

      dont forget she was stuffing other people underwear in her ass…

      1. Tim Odell Avatar
        Tim Odell

        Been trying to forget that for a year, now.

  19. NefariouKunk Avatar

    2g DSM (eclipse GSX)
    He was named Bud when I got him and he was already labeled as a dude. It just doesn't feel right changing that. To me, he is like a introverted troubled athlete. He has his battle scars. He still can get up and move when he feels like it but you know there is something lurking underneath that silence … unforeseen issues known only to him that bubble to the surface just long enough for you to know they are still there. Yet, he soldiers on without much whining to the outside world. So he is Larry Bird with a bit of substance abuse? (a lil oil between changes mostly).

  20. Black Steelies Avatar

    The Buick Hearse named 'Rosemary' weighs over 4000 lbs and features a sluggish 307 / 3spd OD combination. Not fast or sporty in any way and she has a reserved, understated elegance. My car is an elderly woman. I think her name fits the personification so well.
    <img src= "http://content9.flixster.com/photo/91/19/91/9119919_tml.jpg"&gt;

  21. Jo_Schmo Avatar

    Eleanor. She is petite, light on her feet, low on maintenance and easy on the eyes. At least she will be when I'm done whipping her into shape. Oh, and she is 42.

  22. soo΄pәr-bādd75 Avatar

    Mine is the fat girl from high school. Everybody knew one. She's a little heavy, so she's not particularly light on her feet, but she's incredibly sweet, and a great friend when you finally get to know her. She is reliable, agreeable, and never argues. I love my little fat girl.

  23. KillerZomBee Avatar

    I figured out a secret some time ago; If I name my cars and give them personalities (complete with voices) my wife (who is a sucker for rescue animals) can't STAND the thought of me selling them. Hence, 9 vehicles!
    Brownie (World's greatest Crappy Old RV) – Big Burly caretaker of a brute. Soft heart, gruff voice.
    Obie, Wife's MGB – Young Sweet boy with squeeky high voice, loves his mommy. (Really my car, but we say it's hers)
    Bluebie, Datsun – Shakespearean Gentleman, very polite, sounds a bit like the Shmoo.
    Art, Dodge truck – Mumbles a lot.
    Sharky, 67 Polara with Teeth for grill – Only says "RAWER!!"
    Lazarus, aka Killer Bee MGB, Normal man's voice, somewhat British
    Piggy, 77 HD Ironhead – Biker of course
    Sakisan, GPz550 – Japanese ninja (Hai! Ikimashyo!)
    Abby, MGBGT, our lone feminine vehicle, she's built a little differently than the other MGBs.
    Smarty-pants, wife's smart-car, says "Beep-beep, ZOOOM!" Became definitely male when we added a center sport exhaust. 😉
    Ok, so now you all know I'm crazy…

  24. MadKaw Avatar

    The '72 Vista Cruiser is like an aging, former NHL power forward now playing out the rest of his career in the minors – it's huge, heavy, ugly, and carries quite a few battle scars, but thanks to that stonkin' 455 and posi-trac rear, its still surprisingly fast – and it won't hesitate to beat you into submission.
    The '65 Triumph Herald is an old British codger carrying around his oxygen tank – definitely showing its age and practically on life support, it takes a fair bit of coaxing to get it to go anywhere, it leaks every fluid it contains, and never moves very quickly, yet staunchly refuses to give up the ghost. It still always puts a smile on your face with its ever-present cheery and rather unassuming charm.
    The '79 Kawasaki KZ1000 is the fun, kinda nerdy girl who, after you take the time to look past the glasses and blend-into-the-background style, turns out to be hot as hell and one crazy-fun ride.

  25. KAdams1476 Avatar

    I think the only vehicle I've ever truly felt deserved a name/gender was my '88 Honda Magna. I named her Claire, but can't for the life of me remember why. I guess it just sounded right. My next bike after that was an '82 GS1100 streetfighter that almost certainly was a skinhead-brutal and unforgiving. Never got a name.

  26. Kogashiwa Avatar

    Sure, I'll play. '97 Q45, black, lowered, Work Euroline DH wheels. He's a Yakuza that's getting on a bit in years and more at home making deals than doing battle, but he can still mix it up if he needs to. Hasn't quite made it to boss, but he's getting there, got a few trusty boys under his command, and most of the gang speaks of him with respect. Likes his sake, and has expensive tastes in personal care. Good singing voice too.

  27. Alff Avatar

    The Alfa is like the high maintenance women that, if you're fortunate, you get to date but choose not to marry. Temperamental in the extreme but well worth the hassle on the fairest of days.
    The Subie Turbo is like the Japanese culture that spawned it – fast moving, lots of shiny lights, some just plain weird elements and the sensation that it is neither as timeless nor robust as its euro countparts.
    The Ram pickup is a steer – big with no balls.
    My wife's minivan is "Pat" from the old SNL skit. Neither male nor female but it makes no difference because it completely lacks sex appeal anyway.

  28. P161911 Avatar

    A Bi-polar Nazi Barbie doll with a bad coke habit.
    Cute little BMW Z3 with the original 1.9L body and no fender flares, only a small little lip spoiler on the trunk. Under the hood is a slightly warmed up S52 with about 280HP exhaling through almost straight pipes, no mufflers, just resonators, LOUD. Sits on a slightly lowered suspension, with 17" black wheels (black car), steamroller tires, with the original 4 cylinder 3.45 axle ratio it is usually revved up pretty high.

  29. ptschett Avatar

    My '96 Thunderbird would be a Cougar. She looks better than her age, likes running after younger cars though she has some miles on her, and she seems happiest when her diet is 10% ethanol.

  30. FuzzyPlushroom Avatar

    Ah, Violet.
    I'm still figuring her out. '89 244DL, of course.
    She's definitely an alternative sort. The sort of chick who, for whatever reason, couples a butch haircut with librarianesque glasses. She doesn't wear black, though you'd expect her to.
    She drinks, but not heavily. Gets a bit rowdy after her second round. She's fine with breaking the law or getting dirty, but she can present herself fairly well for a night on the town – but only if she needs to.
    She has a mild speech impediment, and is a bit defensive about it. Her friends are few but close. She claims not to need positive reinforcement, but in truth it makes her feel wanted. She doesn't fit in with the pack, and keeps a dry sense of humour.
    I've put way too much thought into this, so here, have a photo.
    <img src="http://i41.tinypic.com/majuww.jpg"&gt;

  31. nofrillls Avatar

    Slightly tweaked 1999 Subaru Legacy GT:
    The trashy, cheap but hot skank you cave into picking up after your 6th beer–and are not disappointed.
    Unrestored, slightly modernized 1972 Mecedes 250 (w114):
    WWII veteran who went to Harvard on the GI bill, then fell victim to a quiet, lonesome post-traumatic stress disorder. Weathered, slow, cool, dignified, and educated, until you push the old man around a bit. Then he gets a little rowdy before retuning to his aloof state of composure. You can beat him senseless and he'll just come back for more because he's seen worse than anything your whipper-snapper ass can bring.
    Wifey's bone-stock 2001 Legacy Outback H6:
    Fugly, tree-hugging lesbo. Smart and endlessly useful, punch her where it counts and she will jump up and kick the fat asses of minivans, V6 Mustangs, ricers and most aging 325's.

  32. CaffeineFuelled Avatar

    Both my vehicles are boys. The Tundra's name is Yoda while the Mini's name is Oliver. The truck was named by a friend and the car was named after a kind of majority rules thing amongst a few people…

    1. FuzzyPlushroom Avatar

      You accept, surely, that an adorable hatchback styled after a historic British city car and named after Richard Hammond's beloved Kadett is an awesome proposition however you slice it?
      I imagine there are a fair number of Toyota products out there named Yoda. Of course, I also doubt that most Toyota drivers give their vehicles names, for the same reason that they don't name their electric stoves, refrigerators, or lawn tractors.

  33. Jeff Glucker Avatar
    Jeff Glucker

    The Uberbird is a german mistress I only get to play with once or twice a year

    1. engineerd Avatar

      Should I call you Max?

  34. Tomsk Avatar

    I'd say my 300 SD is a slightly chubby, chain smoking German cougar who throws the occasional fit but, deep down, is fiercely loyal and just wants to be loved by a man who finds her pretty, even if it means sleeping outside and going months between wax job (Wait, what?).
    <img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2524/3860644017_d4414fc48f_o.jpg&quot; width="800" height="600" />

    1. Black Steelies Avatar


  35. Sivart_R1 Avatar

    I'm terrible at names, always have been. I have a hard time deciding on names for pets. Thankfully for those there's always someone else to help out.
    As for the cars….
    "The 84": 84 RX-7 GSL-SE. 177k miles. My daily driver, and I think of her as the grumbling older woman. Even when she was young, she was stronger than her sisters, but all were starting to look dated, and now 26 years later she's still complaining. Never left me stranded, but threatened to a number of times.
    "The 8": 04 RX-8. Wife's car. no drama, no fuss. no gender. "the family sedan". fun car with plenty of personality compared to most, but outshined by the rest of the garage.
    "The 93": 93 RX-7 R1. 73k miles, engine currently out and mid-rebuild process as funds allow. Hope to have her back on the road by summertime. She's the hot girl you never thought would give you the time of day, but surprisingly says yes to a date. You have to be careful, you never know when she's going to turn on you (2nd turbo kicks in mid corner? hold on!) but learning to take her anywhere near the limit is exhilarating.

    1. Kogashiwa Avatar

      yay for rotary family!

  36. littleYodaPickup Avatar

    My DD is an '04 Tundra. The black sheep of the appliance family, he's definitely a no-nonsense somewhat sarcastic older brother type. He'll pull you out of a scrape, but you know you're going to get reamed afterward. He knows his place, but get his ire up and he'll take on all comers. He ain't no pretty boy, got his share of scars; ain't afraid to get dirty. Everything a pickup should be.

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