Hold On Loosely

In case y’all were wondering, we’re in the process of switching Hooniverse to a new server, and this has caused some major headaches for the Braff-master, as well as a dearth of content for everybody. We’re sorry you’re not getting your USDA- suggested allotment of hoon today, but we should be up and hooning again tomorrow, once we’ve made the move from wimpy wimpy wimpy to hefty hefty hefty.
In the mean time, some jokes! How did Hitler tie his shoes? In little nazis! Ha, ha, ha. Okay, here’s another one- What did Little Miss Muffet and Sadam Hussein have in common? They both had curds in their whey! har, har, har!

41 Comments

  1. Alright, Graverobber, you started it.
    A woman comes running frantically into the emergency room. She says "Doctor, doctor! You've gotta help me, my husband thinks he's a dog!" The doctor says, "Ma'am, I'm an emergency room trauma surgeon. Your husband's issues may be better addressed by a psychiatrist." She says, "NO! You don't understand! He was licking his balls in the driveway and I backed over him with the Suburban!"
    Stop me if you've heard this one before. Oh, that's right, I should have said that first.

    1. Ooh! Ooh! My turn:
      Two buddies are watching a magic show, and are amazed at an incredible illusion the magician just performed.
      "How'd he do that?" the first friend asked the other.
      "I think it was a classic case of the scantily clad female assistant being what magician's refer to as a misdirection," the second one replied.
      "Well in that case, the magician is either gay or in need of pills, because thanks to her I can't cross my legs!"

  2. Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel welded to his belt buckle.
    Bartender says "Hey, what's up with that?"
    Pirate says "Arrrr, it's drivin' me nuts."
    /wakawakawaka

    1. pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm. – Psalm 83:15
      For I did not speak of my own Accord… – John 12:49
      the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills.
      Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
      The Apostles were in one Accord. – Acts 5:12

    1. The concept also could have been applied to Bush, Cheney, Lott/Frist, and… well, I suppose there's not really anything to say either way about Dennis Hastert. Really, any polarising incumbent politician is grist for this joke.

  3. A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
    "Fred," he replies.
    "Fred what?" the officer asks.
    "Just Fred," the man responds.
    The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
    The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
    Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."
    The officer walked away in tears, laughing

  4. An elderly Italian man walked into the parish of his small northern Italian village for confession. When it was his turn he walked into the confessional and sat down.
    Man: Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been decades since my last confession and I'm worried about my soul.
    Priest: Go on, my son.
    Man: Well, back during the war a beautiful young woman knocked on my door one night pleading for me to protect her from the Nazis. She was Jewish, you see, so I decided to take her in and hide her in my attic.
    Priest: That was a noble deed, my son. There's no sin to confess that I can see.
    Man: Well, there's more to the story, Father. You see, she was really quite a stunningly beautiful creature and, um, I'm afraid that I required her to "pay" for my protection, food, etc. with sexual favors.
    Priest: I see. Well my son, while what you did was not the right thing, you did protect her from a far worse fate and you ran the risk of extreme punishment by the Nazis if your deed was discovered. I'm sure the Holy Father would take these extreme circumstances under consideration and judge you leniently, so I absolve you of your sins.
    Man: Oh, thank you father! This is a great relief as I have been worried about this for many years. I have just one more question before I leave.
    Priest: Of course my son, what is it?
    Man: Do you think I should tell her the war is over?

  5. Two muffins are in an oven.
    One muffin says "Boy it's hot."
    The other, shocked, exclaims "Holy crap! A talking muffin."
    A guy walked into a bar, and he said "Ouch."
    A lobster walks into a bar.
    The bartender says "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!"
    The lobster is astounded.
    "You have a drink named Fred?"

    1. Seasonal:
      Two gay men go to Easter mass.
      The bishop walks between the pews swinging incense.
      One reaches out to stop him.
      "Sir, 'I love your dress, but I think your purse is on fire."
      Three men go in to be ordained as priests.
      The bishop asks the first "Son, can you tell me what Easter is?"
      "Oh sure, that's where we show our love for each other with chocolates and pink frilly cards."
      He is shown the door.
      The bishop asks the second "Son, can you tell me what Easter is?"
      "Oh sure, that's where we celebrate being Irish by dying everything green and drinking until we're sick!"
      He is shown the door.
      The bishop asks the third "Son, can you tell me what Easter is?"
      "Well, after Jesus was crucified and laid in the tomb, on the third day he rises, moves the stone aside, comes out, sees his shadow, and we have six more weeks of winter."

    1. Well this is a Car Talk one:
      A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
      The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
      The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag. "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
      The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic…
      "Try doing it with the engine running"

    2. More Car Talk:
      The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady came in and asked for a seven ten cap.
      We all looked at each other and one of the service guys asked, "What's a seven ten cap?" She replied, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
      "What kind of car do you drive?" another guy asked. (Thinking that perhaps she drove an old Datsun Seven Ten.) The lady replied, "I drive a Buick." We asked her how big is the cap. She made a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
      "What does it do?" asked one of the service guys. She replied, "I don't know, but it's always been there."
      One of the guys gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she made a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she wrote 710.
      As she was drawing, the guys behind the counter looked at it upside down and they fell behind the counter laughing their heads off.

  6. There once was a mafia don who had an unfortunate habit of replacing some verbs with onomatopoeias that corresponded to those verbs in conversation.
    One night, he ordered one of his men to carry out a hit on a prostitute. A few hours later he came back and triumphantly proclaimed, "Mission accomplished, boss!"
    "Great!" the don replied. "What'd you do with the body?"
    "Oh man, what didn't I do to it?"
    "Whoa, whoa, whoa," the don said. "What are you talking about?"
    "Well, boss, you did say you wanted me to bang her…"

  7. PLEASE, PLEASE, Hooniverse get those D*mn servers back up and online soon!!
    Because if not, a D*amn bunch of us Hoonigans are in deep Sh*t.
    And here is why……
    A Hoon wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
    The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on I-4 just outside MickeyMouseLand.
    You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
    The Hoon groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in Hoonasurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
    The Hoon perks up.
    "So," the doctor says,"You must decide how many inches you want.
    I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.
    "It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
    The Hoon agrees to talk it over with his wife.
    The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
    "Yes I have," says the Hoon.
    "And has she helped you make a decision?"
    "Yes" says the Hoon.
    "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
    "We're getting granite countertops."
    And if You Head Hoons don't do something quick all we Hoonigans are going to end up with Granite Countertops!!
    But knowing the Head Hoons Are Working On It, for we Hoonigans, allows this olelongrooffan, via By The Numbers, to continue to
    Celebrate Life.
    Know Head Hoons, we anxiously await Your Return.
    Please, Please!!! Soon!!

  8. Your mother is so old, she sat behind Jesus in the third grade.
    Your mother is so old, when we told her to act her age, she died.
    Your mother is so fat she has to iron her pants on the driveway.

  9. whats the difference between a professional cornhusker with epilepsy and a prostitute with dysentery?
    Well, one shucks between fits…

  10. A penguin had to take his car for engine repair.
    The mechanic told the penguin to leave his car with him for about two hours, to find out whats wrong.
    The penguin goes across the street to a grocery store, climbs into a freezer and ate vanilla ice cream.
    When the two hours was up the penguin went back to the garage to find out what happened to his car.
    When the penguin entered the garage, the mechanic looked at him and said, "Looks like you blew a seal."
    The penguin replied, "NO way, thats vanilla ice-cream!"

  11. An Anglican girl from Gibraltar
    Went to church in a low halter
    When she knelt and prayed
    She plainly displayed
    Her God-given gifts at the altar

  12. A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
    Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
    This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
    The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''
    Help! New posts do not show up …

  13. Calling all Hooniverse Admins!
    I can see the comments from new posts in the right side bar but this is the latest post that appears in the center. If I click the title of the comment to jump to the new post, I get the 404. I tried clearing cookies and two different browsers. Do you have any ideas?

  14. I’d have to verify with you here. Which is not one thing I usually do! I enjoy studying a post that can make folks think. Additionally, thanks for permitting me to remark!

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