Bristol Cars, which we discussed in minute detail on the last podcast, is undergoing a bit of trouble now. The formerly exclusive company is not only selling Bristol Cars, but Bristol Cars—that’s right, the entire company is up for auction. And it’s not just being sold to blueblooded aristocrats like their cars are: anybody with a keen interest in cottage-industry manufacturing and the stalwart dignity of Admiral Lord Nelson can become the next CEO of Bristol.
That’s right, you never have to complain about lackluster dealer service and delayed parts inventory when you own the entire company! You not only get the sweet Kensington showroom and everything in it, but also the production facilities in Bristol, the entire spare parts warehouse, the website, and the rights to the Blenheim and Fighter names. Hey, you keep buildin’ them, and somebody out there’s gonna be buying them. But if you decide to build a seven-seater crossover, however, the ghost of Tony Crook will rise up from the grave and bludgeon you with a sword cane.
Why should you own Bristol? As a special comsumer advice supplement, I’ve created a list of the advantages you can reap once you purchase you own car company. Who says we don’t do consumer advice at Hooniverse?
- Famous owners of Bristol include Tina Turner, Bono, Liam Gallagher of obscure indie band Oasis, and Jimmy Carter. By owning Bristol, you can form a pretty sweet supergroup, with Billy Carter as roadie.
- The Bristol Owner’s Club will make you a Commander of the Order of the British Empire, which carries no ceremonial merit or equivalency to the real thing but does come with a sweet BOC keychain.
- Remember that episode of Top Gear where they play soccer with Toyota Aygos? Bristol will let you do that. You can face a bunch of Aygos in your very own team of 2-ton Beaufighters, in fact. England has nationalized healthcare for a reason.
- If you can’t stand Bono, you can always take solace in the fact that his car will catch fire eventually, and maybe he’ll be trapped inside it…this time.
- Tony Crook will teach you how to do a burnout in a Blenheim. The Youtube hits are worth it for that alone.
- Kiera Knightley, Elizabeth Hurley, Gemma Arterton…I hear they have a thing for guys with long bonnets.
- Bristol owner Sir Richard Branson will invite you to his swingers parties.
- Plenty of whiskey barrel storage in the Bristol factory.
- You can rebadge the BMW 5-Series GT as the new Fighter, just for shits n’ giggles.
- The Bristol logo would look pretty sweet on your new set of monogrammed towels.
But wait, there’s more! What you will also get if you buy Bristol:
- Toby Silverton as indentured manservant, on call 24 hours a day
- The BRISTOL CARS neon sign, which can be used to spell out amusing swear words
- Unlimited copies of The Motor
- The satisfaction of singlehandedly saving Chrysler’s surplus of Viper motors
- Super Business Class on Virgin Airways (that’s when they give you free martini vouchers, then let you fly the plane)
- London City Council will let you idle your Chrysler V8 in front of an orphanage
- Your own free oil tanker every week, hijacked by Vin Diesel mercenaries from Venezuela and delivered to your house via a floatilla of Blenheim Speedsters, because you’re going to need it, trust me
- Blenheim Palace. That’s right, they’ll just give you the whole thing.
All for the low, low price of—well, who knows. Like their production numbers, Bristol wouldn’t be crass enough to divulge such pertinent information. But it’s worth it to be a part of history: lay down your bid on Bristol, and save a vaunted British institution like Tetley Tea or Royal Enfield. Just think—with that parts network, it’ll be cheaper than sending in your Beaufort for repairs.