Which N-Body is the Lamest N-Body?

What the hell month is it? August? September? March? The wall calendar in the hallway at my office is still showing February and I’m hoping everyone leaves it there when they begin returning to the office in larger numbers. Then, in January, we can burn the damn thing. The calendar, I mean. Burn it right […]

The Mercedes E-Class: Lame Goodness

Mercedes convertible

There’s something to be said for publishing in print. When you’re faced with limited space, you have to make tough decisions about the most important information to include. But when a bunch of old-Benz fanatics banatics band together in the boundless expanse of Wikipedia, they birth a page where each pedant can show off every […]

Lamest Classics: The impeccably weird Saab 9000

It’s 3:18 p.m. on a Sunday and my son is sitting next to me at the breakfast bar in our kitchen, chopping foods and serving them to strange people and cats. On his tablet. It’s a game. He’s not that weird. But kids are weird. The other day he asked me, “Papa, why yoo hab […]

Lamest Classics: Practice your Parade Wave from a 1995 Mustang or Camaro

There’s little less exciting in the motoring world than the car your mayor and local beauty pageant contestant wave and throw candy from at 3 miles per hour. I’m not saying these vehicles are unnecessary. They’re perfect for their purpose. The police chief and her husband shouldn’t necessarily exude high class — it’s not the […]

Lamest Classics: Disappointing Chinese Food and the Mercury Mystique

As I write this, it’s the anniversary of when my wife and I first met and went on a date. This year isn’t a significant milestone, and a first date anniversary is not an occasion for major theatrics anyway. We only celebrate by ordering Chinese food, like we ate on the floor of my new […]

Not Lame Not-Yet-Classic: Find Peace with the Suzuki X-90

Lamest Classics isn’t a positive series. It’s snarky, it’s crude, and it can be kind of mean. Which is to say that I am also all those things sometimes. But only sometimes. The country and the world are in a bad place right now. It isn’t the best time for that kind of negativity. Rather […]

Lamest Classics: It’s Time for Onanism in a Volvo 940

I’m writing this on National Masturbation Day (mildly NSFW link) , which means you’re reading this a day late to use that as an excuse. Not that you need an excuse. The whole point of the “holiday” is to lessen the stigma associated with masturbation, and contribute to the conversation about safer sex and safe […]

Lamest Classics: Extreme exclusivity with the Hyundai Scoupe

Holy moly, it’s already almost June and I haven’t even touched Korean cars yet. What a weird time this was for Korean imports. By 1995, Japanese cars had become well established as reliable (and perhaps antiseptic) alternatives to the Big Three American manufacturers. But it was a battle fought over decades, where the Japanese gained […]

Lamest Classics: 1995 Ford Escort

So far in this series, I’ve mocked several cars that people have relied on and loved in their lives, so now it’s time I turn the snark upon myself. In this installment of Lamest Classics, I’ll be the first to say it: I love Ford Escorts. Yeah, the European Escort was actually cool in all […]

Lamest Classics: 1995 Geo Metro

It was 15 years ago — hi, hello, that’s merely 2005, my fellow olds — that Hurricane Katrina hit the United States Gulf Coast and flooded huge sections of New Orleans and the rest of the area. Between the natural disaster itself, the lack of preparedness and maintenance of the city’s levees, and the disaster […]