Calling all Hooniversians: Rename LeMons New England, win fabulous prizes!

If you win, we'll try to make sure this won't happen to you.

Here at Hooniverse, we’re all friends of LeMons. (As you are too, I imagine.) So any chance to help this organization achieve its goal of taking over the world achieving the zenith of crapcar racing excellence is welcome. And now you can join us!
A quick glance at the 2010 LeMons calendar reveals a packed schedule. There are races in 11 states across the country. They’re at racetracks as diverse as Thunderhill, Mid-America, and Autobahn Country Club. There are even a couple of car shows thrown in there to mix things up a little. And one event in particular, the aptly-titled LeMons New England, happening July 24-25th at Stafford Motor Speedway, is looking a bit funny there…
Where’s the love for the states that founded the country? Why should races in other regions get catchy, zany titles like Gator-O-Rama, Arse-Freeze-Apalooza, Laissez les Crapheaps Roulez, Southern Discomfort (slang for gastrointestinal infection, no doubt) or the vaunted Rod Blagojevich Never-Say-Die 500? What’s a “blagojevich,” anyway? Some obscene Yiddish swear word? That’s weaksauce, brah. Surely we lobster-shucking, bean-farting, gay-marrying, tax-inflating, Sawx-loving, molasses-drowning, non-rhoticizing, Godsmack-blaring, Volvo-driving, Kennedy-stalking, teddy-bear-making, Sam-Adams-chugging, Boston-Massacring, Big-Digging, McGovern-voting, Yale-namedropping, secession-threatening, Good-Will-Hunting, Hahvahd-Yahd-pahking bunch of hoity-toity liberal weenies can do better than that!
So we’re putting you, Dear Commentariat, to work. Think of a name for this wonderful event that best captures the essence of New England: the beautiful autumn scenery, the quaint 18th-century villages, the prepubescent oral hygenic nanny state hand-wringing. Draw from your experiences living in this fine region–but even better if you haven’t,  as you can draw on the finest grab-bag of regional stereotyping available to those in flyover country out-of-staters!
Later this week I’ll post the finest titles for our readers to vote on—after all, you won’t have anything better to do at work, anyway. And the commenter with the finest name will win a fabulous Hooniverse/LeMons prize pack! Including a “lightly sweated” LeMons hoodie, a Hooniverse T-shirt, and Aerosmith tickets the undying love of millions of hoons around the Boston–Washington megalopolis. Try wrangling that out of Bob Barker’s cold, dead hands.
Here’s a completely gratuitous Dropkick Murphys song to help spark some inspiration.


  1. 1. Lobster and Quahog Massacree
    2. Clam Chowder and Beer or Give Me Death!
    3. Kick the Bucket in Nantucket

    1. Okay, given that I'm less than two hours from Stafford Springs (and in fact plan to attend as a spectator this year, shit, I'd better hurry up that planning thing), I'm on the lookout for a reasonably-nearby inexpensive '67-ish Oldsmobile, preferably a Delmont 88.
      Seriously, if I had the cash, this might be suitable – there's $400 of trim there, and it's only a year off – and from there it'd just be a matter of rounding up a few teammates, welding in a cage, and acquiring safety gear… what could go wrong?

      1. You'd need a doll in the passenger seat for the full effect. And a couple bottles of Maker's Mark rolling around under the seats.

        1. I suggested a beat-ass Continental convertible with John F., Jackie O., and John Connally at one point not long ago, and I think it'd either have to be launched in New England or Texas.
          Bonus points if, as a penalty, they're forced to remove part of Kennedy's head and remount his wife on the trunklid.
          I'm sorry, but only slightly.

  2. Unfortunately, My Left Nutmeg is already taken.
    I would also like to propose a meet up of some sort there. I'm going, if I have to walk.

  3. -The Crapboxes are Coming! The Crapboxes are Coming!
    -Clam 'n' Bawl Run
    -Masshole in the Crankcase
    -Cape Cotterpin
    -Paul Revere and the Radiators
    -Yankee Doodle Derelicts
    -Pahk the Cah in Hahvahd Yahd up on Blocks

  4. There is probably something that can be done with "Maine bearings" and "Mass airflow sensor."

  5. Apparently comments don’t wanna load for me today, so apologies if someone’s already suggested something similar:
    Paul Revere’s Revenge
    Twenny Foah Howahs in a Wicked Sweet Cah
    Snobbery Prevails
    We’ve Got Money And We’re Not Allowed To Use It

    1. Riffing on that theme:
      "The Paul Revere Memorial 24-Hour Ride/Push/Tow"
      "The British Were Coming, But They Broke Down Endurance Challenge"
      "Churchtower Lamps by Lucas Electric 500"

  6. How ’bout:
    – The Boston Tow Part & Overhead Cam Bake?
    – The Barely Legal Seafood Showdown?
    – Kenedy Crashfest & Boston Tow Party 500?
    – The Boston Mashup?

    1. Barely legal seafood is funny…
      edit: they make some surprisingly good Mojitos at Legal Seafood btw

  7. The Masshole $500
    The above suggestion incorporates both New England stereotypes – think a drunken Peter Griffin heckling the racers from the stands – and the $500 car limit.

  8. The Masshole $500
    The above suggestion incorporates both New England stereotypes – think a drunken Peter Griffin heckling the racers from the stands – and the $500 car limit.
    (I don't know why the comments did something funny!)

  9. 1. The Boston Tea Party, With LeMons.
    2. Yankees Racing Junk Cars For The Hell Of It.
    3. The Massachusetts Seantorial Race.

    1. Dammit Amber… you can't win. However, that is a fucking good one.
      I think you can't win at least…

  10. Oh man, I just stumbled across this. Now distributing it to the rest of the LeMons high command.
    Although, I must say, LeMons New England does have one of the best race logos.

    ED: Edited for html

  11. 24 Hours to Bang It and Hang It.
    Lowering the Bah.
    some of these suggestions have me falling of my chair!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

The maximum upload file size: 64 MB. You can upload: image, audio, video. Links to YouTube, Facebook, Twitter and other services inserted in the comment text will be automatically embedded. Drop files here