The 24 Hours of LeMons rolls into its third consecutive race weekend at New Jersey Motorsports Park in Millville for “The Real Hoopties of New Jersey.” NJMP has been on the LeMons calendar since 2011 and has been dominated largely by European cars and also by aggressive driving. For whatever reason, NJMP tends to bring out the crashiest in the local LeMoneers, so expect the LeMons Supreme Court—anchored by Judge Steve McDaniel, who has road-tripped to all three races (Steve is no stranger to masochistic road trips, BTW)—to give no quarter to aggressive racers.
Luckily, mid-week forecasts call for clear skies and pleasant temperatures, so rain may not contribute to the delinquency of those LeMoneers. LeMons will run the longer and faster Thunderbolt course at NJMP again and with “only” 108 entries, perhaps the race will be more pleasant than it was with more crowded affairs last season. Oh, and Hooniverse’s own Kamil Kaluski will be there racing the Park Bench Buick and hopefully not having to write apologies to you, dear Hooniverse readers, from the Penalty Box (above).
Make the jump to see what’s on tap this weekend in Jersey.
This weekend offers LeMons fans a full menu with 108 (kind of) exciting options of potential failure, triumph, refailure, and retriumph. Please consult the drinks menu below before placing your order. The menu is subdivided for your convenience.
QUESTIONABLE DECISIONS
If you’re consuming from the 24 Hours of LeMons wells, you probably have already made a series of questionable life decisions. These are some of the most popular entries.
For the “sane” types, these are generally not recommended but can be enjoyed vicariously by watching others’ struggles with them.
#21 Interceptor Motorsports (Renault Fuego Turbo, above) – French-like “wine” plucked from a convenience store cooler. Specify your flavor: Green, blue, or strawberry.
#116 No Nookie B (Chevy Corsica) – A plastic jug of liquor is selected from a dark closet and poured over gravel in a pint glass.
#24 SuperGrover (Rover P6 3500) – A gin and some finest British Motoring Enthusiast’ Brand Beard Wax.
#999 Team Sputnik B (Nissan Quest) – A unique swill combining vodka and Mercury, served with a cigarette lit with a red-hot Sawzball blade used to hack up Nissan fenders.
#400 Team Sputnik A (Geo Metro) – Drink-making implements are scattered around a 200 square-foot area. Good luck reassembling them all into something palatable.
#2 Rally Baby (AMC Hornet, above) – Bacon-infused bacon grease served in an oil filter.
#16 Sinical Racing 3 (Volkswagen Super Beetle) – As assortment of last year’s Oktoberfest beer served in a racing boot
#92 Futility Motorsports (Dodge Daytona) – The collected and distilled tears of 1980s Chrysler owners.
#235 Prompt Critical (Mercury Capri) – A blend of Cutty Sark and turpentine used to degrease engines. (Turpentine is used to dilute the strength.)
#42 3 Pedal Mafia B (Sea Sprite) – The finest nautical martini made from dry vermouth and bilge-pump water.
#43 3 Pedal Mafia C (Triumph TR7/Buick 3800 V6 swap) – Gin and bourbon splashed together in a once-rinsed paint bucket.
#7 Lucky 7 Racing (Triumph TR7) – Gin and cheap scotch splashed together in a never-rinsed paint bucket
#115 Silent But Deadly Racing (Ford Galaxie, above) – Moonshine du jour
#82 DeCuzzi Racing Gulf A Fiero (Pontiac Fiero) – Brown liquor in a glass. Probably best not to ask questions.
#585 Rusty Tear Racing (Pontiac Fiero) – Rustschlager
#71 Scuderia Pagali della Corsa (Lexus ES250) – Limoncello or unhealthy urine? $5 a guess.
#70 Infinite Mess Hall (Infiniti Q45) – Triple sec and semi-sweet chocolate morsels thrown in your face by an insulted bartender. Must provide own insults.
#732 Speedycop & The Gang of Outlaws C (Lexus SC400, above) – 16 oz. of Purple Drank served in a pint glass with a clever design on it.
#451 Park Bench Racing Team (Buick Regal) – A case of Tyskie and a bit of shouting.
#215 Philthy Motorsports (Datsun 510) – Cheesesteak-flavored vodka served on a Phillies left fielder’s head while insulting his mother on Mother’s Day.
#199 One Tire Fire (Datsun 280ZX) – Nelson Ledges-brand tire water with mosquito larvae and Lake Erie Fire ashes. 170 proof.
JUST DOWN IT ALREADY
There’s no sense dwelling on this section. They’re all perfectly adequate on paper. Just order one and enjoy that it gets you there.
#3 Lemontarians B (Dodge Neon, above) – Shandy made from weiss beer and elderberries.
#200 Napalm Dwarf (Ford Escort) – Raspberry preserves mixed with 87 octane and served with speed metal.
#911 The Donut Police (Ford Escort ZX2) – Bailey’s, coffee, and liquified donuts.
#33 Team Emoticons (Ford Festiva) – Server will create an ASCII Schlitz can on the electronic device of your choosing:
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#18 FATTY TEAM SABOTAGE (Chevy Monte Carlo) – A case of Icehouse and a right cross to the chin.
#8 1/2 fasst (Chevy Camaro) – 11 cans of Busch Light and 10 plays of Motley Crue on the jukebox.
#714 Men in Black (Ford Crown Victoria, above) – Our hosts kidnap you and throw you in the East River.
#17 Glue Sticks A (Mazda 626) – Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s sweat from the set of Airplane
#44 No Nookie A (Mercury Cougar) – We drain the juice from a jar of maraschino cherries and refill it with 20W-50. Shaken or stirred.
#234 Blockheads 234 (Ford Focus) – For those with impeccable automotive tastes, like this author.
#41 3 Pedal Mafia (Honda Civic) – A fine margarita served in a rust-rimmed glass.
#312 ShamRockin & Rollin Racing (Honda Civic) – Jameson and the eight people closest to you are drafted to brawl with the 1892 Baltimore Orioles.
#60 The Magic School Bus Racing Team (Subaru Forester) – Two bottles of white wine because while the school bus was itself magical, the damn kids on it weren’t.
#55 nomercyracing (Subaru Impreza, above) – Two cans of Steel Reserve and a screening of Karate Kid 3.
#671 Carroll County Gangstas (Subaru Outback) – An artisanal blend of Nyquil and Gatorade. Food Babe-endorsed so you know it’s for Health.
#113 TRD (Toyota Celica GT-S) – Tequila, rum, and drugs. The Hunter S. Thompson special.
#49 The Boss (Toyota Celica) – Mixed drink made from the cheapest liquids we can find, served with a Peugeot connecting rod stir stick.
#182 lol NSA (Toyota Corolla) – [REDACTED]
#421 Old Guys with Angry Wives (Toyota Corolla) – You’d probably better go home.
EURODRANK
For those with a true appreciation for depreciation, enjoy these fine motoring vehicles that have now reached truly depressing prices on the automotive market.
#499 Fully Torqued Racing (Volvo 850GLT) – A glass of red wine and someone to listen to you complain about the world today.
#13 PA SAAB MAAB (Saab 900 Turbo) – Malort. Served with an airsick bag.
#20 eEuroparts.com (Saab 900) – Blended licorice ropes floating atop a bed of pickle vodka. Served with an airsick bag.
#67 J Team (Volkswagen Jetta) – We find the cheapest clear liquor in from four adjacent states and add food coloring of your choice plus five ounces of pure cane sugar. Comes with our Hangover Guarantee.
#51 Brooklyn Bomb Squad (Audi 200) – Just be glad it ain’t the Queens Bomb Squad, buddy. They messed up that stunod from New Rochelles.
#22 Woeful House Racing (Volkswagen Jetta) – Maple syrup, Guinness, and waffle batter served in a copper-colored coffee carafe.
#244 SlowSwedes (Volvo 240) – Smirnoff Ice Lutefisk
#102 Jynweythek Engineering (BMW 2002tii) – Absinthe. Or antifreeze. Would you drink abstain from drinking if you knew it was antifreeze? Yes? Then it’s absinthe.
BORING BIMMER OPTIONS
The old standbys of this establishment. Always more promising on paper and probably a tad disappointing in actuality. If you need to know more about them, then you can’t afford them, pal.
#48 Thunder for Days Racing (BMW E36, above)
#888 NYC Fastest Taxi (BMW E36)
#72 Deconstruction (BMW E36)
#64 Baltimorons (BMW E36)
#31 Rally Baby Dazzle (BMW E36)
#23 Broken Wallets Racing (BMW E36)
#5 Escape from NJ (BMW E36)
#667 The Devil’s Advocates (BMW E30)
#147 Men in Black II (BMW E30)
#94 Team Zima’r (BMW E30)
#89 Awesome Joe Racing (BMW E30)
#80 Cheat to Win (BMW E30)
#9 The Monkey Football League (BMW E30)
#787 The Fast and the Furriest (BMW E28)
#151 Dutch Oven Racing (BMW E28)
#59 Low-T Sewing Circle & Book Club (BMW E28)
#717 The Jagerbombers (BMW E30)
#325 Knights of the Roundel (BMW E30)
#169 Sinical Too (BMW E36)
#29 2-Broke 2-Care (BMW E30)
#131 Scuderia Regurgito (BMW E36)
PULLEYS ‘N FLOWS
Shot and a beer. Pick your brand, so long as it isn’t a CAMERO.
#461 Dumb as a Brick Racing (Ford Mustang, above)
#928 The Iceman Goeth (Ford Mustang)
#505 Silent But Deadly Racing (Ford Mustang)
#299 SillyNannies (Ford Mustang)
#201 2-Broke 2-Care (Ford Mustang)
#197 All-American Heros (Ford Mustang)
#130 De Profundis Racing (Ford Mustang)
#86 Schumacher Taxi Service (Ford Mustang)
REAL RACING(TM)
This is the real high-octane drink list full of highly potent mixes that may or may not last the duration. Probably not last the duration, actually.
#74 Sinical Racing A (Saab Super Sonnett/Audi/Fever Dreams, above) – Our finest meth-infused gin.
#351 The Cosmonaughts (Toyota MR2) – A role-playing adventure game where you awake half-naked in frigid Siberia with a broken-down TU-134, a Cyrillic TU-134 service manual, and a bottle of The People’s Drink.
#132 Speedycop & the Gang of Outlaws B (Toyota MR2) – A white Russian, served with a Walkman and bowling cassettes.
#11 Monkey Business (Toyota MR2) – Just a chilled glass of practically harmless nervine.
#160 Scotch Rocket Racing (Porsche 924) – Aged Jet A fuel from Southwest Airlines’ private reserve
#34 Glue Sticks B (Pontiac Firebird) – A 40 oz. Mickeys’ Big Mouth with the hardest under-cap riddle in the world’s history.
#125 Bazinga Racing (Nissan 300ZX) – LeMons-grade differential fluid and coffee, blended with crushed ice for a smoothie that’ll clear you out in minutes!
#45 Nemesis Ridiculii (Nissan 240SX) – Acme brand liquor, poured from a cartoon-style jar
#25 Gadget Inspectors (Nissan 240SX) – Our drinkbot makes whatever you like. WARNING: Do not speak with drinkbot aside your drink order. Should drinkbot become self-aware, you’ll be the first to go.
#701 Hazzardous Racing (Mazda RX-7) – Our shrillest server sits six inches from you and bleats directly into your ear for seven hours or until she breaks down.
#420 Jamaican Bacon (Mazda Miata, above) – Bongwater and pizza and Doritos and bongwater and bongwater.
#332 Speedycop & the Gang of Outlaws (Mazda Miata) – Whatever you think it is, it’s probably something totally different. Surprise!
#101 My Old Kentucky Chrome (Mazda Miata) – Shut up and drink yer bourbon already.
#90 DNF Racing (Mazda Miata) – A white wine spritzer…spritzer…spritzer…
#28 MarioKart Driving School (Honda Prelude) – Facepalm wine
#6 Zero Energy Racing (Honda Del Sol) – A non-lethal(ish) reenactment of “The Most Dangerous Game.” Must sign waivers absolving responsibility in case your body is unable to handle rhinoceros tranquilizer darts.
#19 Scooby Doobies B (Audi Coupe Quattro, above) – Just water because that’s all Audis need to dominate LeMons races.
#992 SillyNannies (Audi A6) – $9 pint from our tap. Refills are $341.66.
#410 Dahlinboysracing with FrankenPhil (Acura Integra) – BEER
#314 The Science Project (Acura Integra) – A graduated cylinder full of chemistry.
OLD FAVORITES
Any of these will be there at the end of the night, usually reliable and competing for your affections.
#99 FRS’s Ugly Uncle (Toyota Camry Solara, above) – An unremarkable beer in appearance that is far better than it has any right to be.
#230 Swedish Mafia Racing (Volvo 240) – Lingonberry hard cider, served on the rocks, of course.
#26 Team Pro Crash Duh Nation (Alfa Romeo Milano) – Deer’s blood because YOU HAD THAT ONE IN THE BAG DAMMIT AND THIS WILL SHOW BAMBI.
#10 MR2 Old to Care (Toyota MR2) – That Old Janx Spirit
#118 FastISH and FURRiest (Volvo 240) – Literal hair from a dog.
#35 Sorry for Party Racing (Pontiac Firebird) – A strong dose of that which you cannot unsee.
#240 Keystone Kops A (Volvo 242 Turbo) – Brown liquor in a classy, creased paper bag.
#242 Keystone Kops B (Volvo 244 V8) – Champagne sprayed onto a Honda Accord wheel.
#571 Speedycop & The Gang of Outlaws E (Mercedes Benz 190E) – Dom Perignon and disdain for the proletariat.
#301 Rust in the Wind (Nissan 300ZX/Saab engine, above) – All-you-can-drink Sapporo cans for as long as you can stand being in an Ikea.
You can follow live race timing on Specialty Timing’s website or on Race Monitor with Murilee Martin’s words-and-images coverageon the Car and Driver site.
Some important information |
|
| Saturday Session (EST) | 8:25 a.m. to 3:55 p.m. |
| Sunday Session (EST) | 8:00 a.m. to 3 p.m. |
| LeMons Lap Record (Lightning) | 1:21.0 – Walk of Shame Racing (M52-swapped BMW E36) |
| LeMons Lap Record (Thunderbolt) | 1:44.0 – Walk of Shame Racing (M52-swapped BMW E36) |
| Overall Winners | 2011 – Team Cardorks (BMW E30) |
| 2012 – Duct Tape Motorsports (BMW E30) | |
| 2013 – The Silver Errors – Ziegel Scheißhaus Racing (Mercedes 190E) | |
| 2014 (May) – Near-Orbital Space Monkeys (Ford Mustang) | |
| 2014 (August) – Keystone Kops (Volvo 240) | |
| Class B Winners | 2011 – The Fastish and Furriest (Volvo 240) |
| 2012 – Swedish Mafia Racing (Volvo 240) | |
| 2013 – Bill Danger (Honda Accord) | |
| 2014 (May) – Team Farfrumwinnin (Volkswagen Fox) | |
| 2014 (August) – Fast Al’s Race Team (Volvo 740) | |
| Class C Winners | 2011 – Vermont Volvocheros (Volvo 240) |
| 2012 – Vermont Maple Runners (Volvo 262C Bertone) | |
| 2013 – The B Team (Ford Escort) | |
| 2014 May) – The Little Engine That Shouldn’t (Toyota Corolla) | |
| 2014 (August) – DeCuzzi Racing Gulf A Fiero (Pontiac Fiero) | |
| Index of Effluency Winners | 2011 – Gormless Racing (MGB-GT) |
| 2012 – 3 Pedal Mafia (Sea Sprite/Chevy S-10) | |
| 2013 – Speedycop & The Gang of Outlaws (Upside-Down Camaro) | |
| 2014 (May) – Super Grover (1969 Rover P6B) | |
| 2014 (August) – Prompt Critical (Mercury Capri) | |
[All photos: Murilee Martin]
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