24 Hours of LeMons: 'Pacific Northworst' preview at The Ridge

2015_PNW_lede
The 24 Hours of LeMons creeps into Washington state this weekend for a blast around the pretty-dang-new and mostly-completed Ridge Motorsports Park for the series’ fifth annual “Pacific Northworst” (and fourth at The Ridge). As with  most regions that only get one race a year, this one seems to bring out a great field with at least a quarter of the cars as somewhat oddball and offbeat racecars. That’s to be expected in the Pacific Northwest, where things are always a little different.
There’s no rain in the forecast and with the track’s long half-mile front straight, expect cars with a bit more horsepower to have a slight advantage. Like several recent races, this race’s 14-1/2 hours are split into two sessions with nine hours on Saturday and the final 5-1/2 on Sunday. Follow the jump for a deep dive into absurdity and a detailed picture of how the LeMons weekend may unfold in Shelton, Washington.

Here’s the deal: This entire preview is, like most of my writing, an elaborate setup for a joke that only I will know exists and enjoy. As it turns out, writing for blogs is a self-indulgent act (It turns out there’s a book about that). Yes, this is all an elaborate prank and won’t tell you much about who is going to win the race or any such triviality. Anybody who can figure out the elaborate joke before the race begins Saturday will get a special prize that I totally won’t just pull out of a stack of random nonsense sitting near my desk.
That said, for you to gain some kind of entertainment value, I’ve included each team here with an anagram that I found particularly entertaining, usually for juvenile reasons. Why anagrams? Because language itself is a construct and by rearranging the letters in a word to make a different meaning, you’re suddenly forcing new meaning where there isn’t any. Like a plate of shrimp.
Anyway, I’ve categorized some of the entries under broad banners for easy understanding and generally grouped them in a lack of descending effluence so that the teams at the bottom might actually accidentally win this damn race. If you don’t have patience for this sort of thing, you can get the full unofficial entry list here.

Great Britons!

2015_PNW_British
Just as the Midwesterners have developed a fondness for crappy Mopar, the West Coasters seem to have an affinity for Swiss-cheesed British cars. I don’t know this with certainty, but I suspect that the only person willing to race an MG Metro 1300—which was never sold stateside—might be a regular Hooniverse commenter. I’d wager a future Index of Effluency dwells within this half dozen.
#82 Metrosexual Viking Funeral (MG Metro 1300) – Norm: Unfix leakage rivulets.
#42 Silversleeves Racing A (Austin Mini-ish) – Elves as living careers.
#49 Silversleeves Racing B (Austin 1800, Ford Duratec V6 swap) – Virgin Sleeveless Crab
#70 B Team: Just Plain Stupid (Lotus Elite, Small-Block Chevy V8 swap) – Ed Jut’s Baptismal Input
#973 Bangers N Mash Presents Smell the Glove (Jensen Healey) – Revs the neon sperms ballgames lengths
#187 Team-Ing With Bad Ideas (Austin Mini) – Ghana dimwit diabetes
 

American Nose-Pickers

2015_PNW_MustangII
None of these cars will be particularly fast, although Mustang IIs have been shockingly durable in LeMons. The Buick V8-swapped Corvair overheats if you squint at it and Henry V8th are as LeMons as LeMons gets.
#22 Low Road Racing (Ford Mustang II, above) – Old organic war
#244 Transcontinental Drifters (Chevy Corvair, Buick 215 V8 swap) – Nor transcenendtal fir tits
#172 King Henry V8th (Chevy Nova) – Neck high, oh nervy navy TV
 

IOU, Oui

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French cars, there’s only one. So the plural is unnecessary.
#505 FFlat (Peugeot 505S) – Alt+F “F”
 

Truckin’

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Friend of Hooniverse Matt Adair could actually probably win this stupid race overall if everything goes right and Van Gogh is a well-sorted racevan, as such things go. Chevy Trailblazer? Sure, why not.
#430 Petty Cash Racing A (Jeep Cherokee, GM 5.3L V8 swap) – Grips cyan attache
#127 Malibu Barbie’s Dream Race Team (Jeep Cherokee) – Irreducible amoebae mambe stars
#100 Voodoo Doughnut (Chevy Trailblazer) – Voodoo dog unhut
#93 Van Gogh (Dodge Caravan, above) – Ear joke
 

Mopar

2015_PNW_Oly
The Mopar entries are an even mix of Neons and old Mopar stuff. Oly Express’ ‘Cuda is a good-looking piece of kit, maybe one of the best Mopars in LeMons.
#645 Oly Express (Plymouth Barracuda, above) – Yelps or sex
#40 Neon Pope (Dodge Neon) – One on pep
#186 Drunken Helmsman Racing Team (Dodge Neon) – Unkind renter amalgam mensch
#125 Rustbucket Ranch Racing (Plymouth Duster) – Utter sinch, snug barrack.
 

American economy race to the bottom

2015_PNW_Escort
A Cavalier is the cream of the crop here and three-time LeMons Driver Champion Masochist Anton Lovett could also potentially win the race overall with his V6-powered American heap.
#51 The Racing Principals (Ford Escort, above) – Parsnip a circling
#87 ONSET/Tetanus West (Chevy Cavalier) – Newton’s saute test.
#241 Car Error Panamericana (Saturn SL2) – Encore car, marinara rap.
#66 Average Joe’s (Saturn SC2) – Vase jeer ago
 

Hyundais

2015_PNW_KIA
Hyundai, Kia, whatever.
#222 As Seen on TV Racing B (Kia Rio) – Ergo cannabis vents
 

The Majestic Mööse

2015_PNW_Volvo
A pair of Volvo wagons are entered, though I believe the Flying Scotsmen’s 745 is a scratch. Or their E30 is. Either way, I needed them in the list to make the stupid inside joke work.
#245 Bernal Dads Racing (Volvo 245) – Reds’ darning cabal
#399 Flying Scotsmen Racing B (Volvo 745, above) – Grimly snots cab fencing
 

FoMoCoNoNo

2015_PNW_Merkur
This group should all sport a Ford V6, except the Merkur, which has all the Turbo Horsepower Telemetry.
#10 Autosport LabRats (Merkur XR4Ti, above) – Opts a turbos altar
#19 Thunderchicken Extra Crispy Racing (Ford Thunderbird Super Coupe) –  Next, chickadees turn pyrrhic car gin.
#888 Pho King Phast (Ford Probe) – Night pops hak
#980 TASS-GO Racing (Ford Probe) – Agnostics rag
#954 UW Car Club (Ford Taurus SHO) – Law cub cur
 

BET YOUR ASS THIS IS AMERICA

720-Good_Effort_Blackbird
All of the Camaro teams managed to spell their car name correctly/incorrectly for perhaps the first time in LeMons history.
#695 Team Black Bird (Chevy Camaro, above) – Edict blab mark
#132 Agitated Agrarians (Ford Mustang) – Taints a garaged air
#13 Disney Princesses (Pontiac Firebird) – Yes, penis rescinds. (Click here if you dare.)
#23 Camaro Islanders (Chevy Camaro) – Old Mrs. Caesarian
#714 Up in Smoke (Ford Mustang) – Unpokes ‘im
#151 Jimmy Headcase Experience (Ford Mustang) – Dicey sex, jeer mime panache.
#56 Romance Driven (Pontiac Firebird) – On raced vermin
#666 IWannaROC (Chevy Camaro) – Wanna Rico?
 

Lots of Japanese cars

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This ended up being kind of a catch-all for Japanese-built cars. Check out Pyrotect racing a Maxima. I’m not sure if that’s a bad idea or an awful idea.
#55 Speedchimp Racing (Something that’s barely even been started) – Nigh accedes primp
#98 Barely Legal Super Lemons (Toyota Corolla) – No aggreable sly reps mull.
#145 Pyrotect Racing Team (Nissan Maxima) – Egypt: More Antarctic
#73 MacGyver Motorsports (Toyota Celica GT) – Very cargo. Most tromps.
#18 Space Kitties (Toyota MR2) – Escapist tike
#300 Snowspeeder Pilots Association (Toyota MR2, above) – Rowdiness topples action oasis.
#360 Troublesbrewing (Mazda RX-7) – Grubber towlines
#420 W.O.W. Weed (Eagle Talon) – Ow, we wed.
#37 Point Breakers (Nissan Sentra) – Not Serbia perk
#175 Voodoo Doughnut B (Honda Civic) – Nut hog voodoo bud
#86 Culo a quiebra carreras (Toyota Supra) – Acquirable saucer roar
#12 12th Man Racing (Mazda RX-7) – Ranch Mating 12
 
Affe schwingt ein Kabeljau mit einem Springseil
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These are an assortment of German cars. The category name is nonsense, like most of my work. If you’re still reading this, let go of the jump rope. The cod will be fine.
#931 Team Uboot Rennen Works (Porsche 931) – Unbeaten restroom wonk
#50 Polished Turd Racing (Audi Wagon) – Night’s cordial prude
#967 John Galt Racing (BMW 2002) – Ajar thong cling
#63 Dirty Little Freaks (Mercedes 300SD) – Risky little farted
#321 Camel Toe Racing (Porsche 944 Turbo) – Once, Mr. Glaciate.
#312 Sumbitch Racing (Volkswagen Golf) – Uric batching, Ms.
#747 Team Fahrfrumwinnin (Volkswagen Jetta) – Nun trim whim fanfare
#83 Dirty Duck Racing (Volkswagen Rabbit) – Druid trying crack
#999 Petty Cash Racing B (Volkswagen Jetta) – Absinthe Cage Crypt
 

BMWs: They ruin everything

2015_PNW_BMW
These five BMWs tried their damndest to ruin my joke, but I didn’t let them. I just decided that not having anagrams for them was easier than changing the joke. Carry on.
#61 TWF (BMW E28, above) – Not FTW. Too easy.
#110 Close Enough Engineering (BMW E36) – Decent.
#43 Blue Balls (BMW E30) – Decenter.
#102  Blue Mountain Hillbillys (BMW E30) – Exceedingly decent.
#11 FBB: Furry Road B (BMW E30) – Scary stuff, if this is Mad Max with an all-furry cast.

Probably a winner is you

2015_PNW_Alfa
If I was a betting man, I’d wager that the winner comes in this last half dozen. The Model T GT has won the last two races at The Ridge (last year’s with a rental crew) and the ARSE Alfa won the first race there in 2012. The Fox Shoope Mustang has the horsepower to make big gains on the long front straight and Flying Scotsmen won the last California race after many years of trying. Scuderia Limoni are also race winners, having won long ago at Stafford when the Alfa was based on the East Coast. Hella Shitty are a longshot who have a propensity for running very smart, clean races and for getting jinxed by me.
#158 Flying Scotsmen (BMW E30) – Elms oft syncing
#88 Fox Shoppe Racing (Ford Mustang) – Recapping fox hos.
#92 Turrible T and the Pinto Bean Bandits (Ford Model T GT) – Turntable nabob dentist pain dither
#6 Hella Shitty Racing (BMW E30) – Yeti-thrashing call
#34 Alfa Romeo Syndicate Eccelente (Alfa Romeo GTV6, above) – Oleo farm a testicle cadence yen.
#75 Scuderia Limoni (Alfa Romeo Milano) – Urine acid limos
 
Did you catch the joke? If you’ve got it, leave a comment describing what it would look like if you wrote the answer on a 4×6 postcard, put it in a self-addressed and stamped envelope, and backed over it a few times with a Grumman LLV.
Follow the race live on RaceCast here and with timing on Specialty Timing’s website. And do check Murilee Martin’s updates on the LeMons blog.
 

SOME MILDLY IMPORTANT INFORMATION

Friday Inspections (Pacific Time) 1 p.m. to 5 p.m.
Saturday Session Time (PT) 10 a.m. to 7 p.m.
Sunday Session Time (PT) 9 a.m. to 2:30 p.m.
LeMons Lap Record 2:01.8 – Model T GT (Ford Model T, 5.0-liter V8)
Overall Winners 2012 – Team California Mille (Alfa Romeo GTV6)
2013 – Model T GT (Ford Model T)
2014 – Model T GT (Ford Model T)
Class B Winners 2012 – Hurlingmoss (BMW 2002)
2013 – Dust N Debris (Dodge Shadow)
2014 – ONSET/Tetanus West (Chevy Cavalier)
Class C Winners 2012 – The Flying Lumberjacks (Volkswagen Fox)
2013 – United America Wrenchers… (Austin America)
2014 – Car Error Panamericana
Index of Effluency Winners 2012 – The Freewheelin’ Pikers (Saab 96)
2013 – Chase Race: Best Damn Garage… (Hudson Hornet)
2014 – FFLAT (Peugeot 505S)

 
[Murilee Martin photos  ]
 
 

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6 responses to “24 Hours of LeMons: 'Pacific Northworst' preview at The Ridge”

  1. Fuhrman16 Avatar
    Fuhrman16

    I believe you have the Transcontinental Drifters’ Corvair mixed up with the other Corvair, (Unsafe at Any Speed I think?) that races on the west coast. This one is powered by a Jaguar straight six.

  2. Dave B. Avatar
    Dave B.

    I would write “Your joke is bad and you should feel bad” on the postcard, and email you a link to a YouTube video purporting to show said postal truck repeatedly running it over, but instead would be something quite humorously different. Oh, how you’ll laugh!

  3. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    Gotcha!

    Rick Astley – Never Gonna Give You Up!

    1. Guest Avatar
      Guest

      As to what it would look like on a postcard in an envelope that had been run over by a postal van?

      Well it would look a envelope that had been run over.

  4. Bret Avatar

    I have now raced in all three of the cars in the lead image. We had a great weekend, even if it rained a lot.

  5. mdharrell Avatar

    “…the only person willing to race an MG Metro 1300—which was never sold stateside—might be a regular Hooniverse commenter.”
    Not true! I managed to find teammates. All of them had experience racing MGs and/or Minis, so one would have thought they’d have known better.