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A Hooniverse Thanksgiving Turkey – Inspection Time in Beaterland

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I bought the BMW way back in Oct 2012, relaying the tale of zeroing down on the one exact car in which I wanted to do long-distance driving. As I had completed a good bit of driving and passed the 10 000 mile mark, I noted down the things that had gone wrong or remained wrong with it, not forgetting to mark down the positive things about the cheap E34 with which I had decided to live.

One of the major selling points with the car was the long, valid inspection time the car came with; it was road legal until the end of Nov 2013 or more than a year. As the time has now run out, it’s time to take the car to be evaluated by a man with a crowbar. The car now has 250 000 km on the clock, so it’s due for a service anyway. Having driven down to the local MOT station I’ve decided to favor, the keys to the BMW were handed over and 65 of my euros changed ownership. What would they say?

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A Hooniverse Thanksgiving Turkey – My First Fowl Year of Miata Ownership

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From the past year of my personal automotive frustration, here is a story of my own Hooniverse Thanksgiving Turkey. A comedy of errors that could only happen when you combine a man who hadn’t bought a car in almost ten years, hadn’t owned anything with a manual transmission since five years before that, and a location saturated with overpriced and under-maintained Miatas just waiting to win hearts… or break them. … Continue Reading

A Hooniverse Thanksgiving Turkey – Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG GT Final Edition

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Being the news editor guy, or one of maybe three hoons here that ever talks about new cars, I felt it was appropriate that my Hooniverse Thanksgiving Turkey should be a new car. I planned on going through all of my Hooniverse News posts for the year to find my Turkey, but as it turns out, I didn’t have to go very far. One of the cars I covered just last week is what made the cut, and it’s the yet to be released Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG GT Final Edition. It’s the last variant of a brilliant line of performance cars, but it’s the first to disappoint me.

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A Hooniverse Thanksgiving Turkey – Lamborghini Urraco

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When the upper middle management at Hooniverse asked for turkeys, I immediately thought of the Lamborghini Urraco. Why? Because of the 2005 Top Gear UK challenge of 10,000 pound Italian supercars (which I have embedded at the end of this post). James May chose a black Urraco in the episode and delivered my favorite line ever: Philistines! 

To be fair, a neglected 30 year old Italian car is going to have problems. So I dug up a September 1975 review of a new Urraco, originally published in Motor magazine. What’s the verdict? Make the jump to find out. … Continue Reading

A Hooniverse Thanksgiving Turkey – The 1980 Chevy Malibu of Hatred and Disappointment

 

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“Shopping to get your money’s worth is a time-honored American tradition.  And your efforts pay off handsomely with the 1980 Chevy Malibu.”

Unless you were my father.  The 1980 Chevy Malibu was the last General Motors vehicle anyone in my family has ever owned which is remarkable, considering I’m descended from GM people. Both of my grandfathers drove gleaming Buicks, a two-toned 1956 Roadmaster and 1967 Wildcat sedan that sat a family of eight, respectively. When my parents were first married, my mom drove a 1966 Chevy Biscayne with a straight six and a three-on-the-tree while my dad drove his 1975 Cutlass Supreme, ordered new from the factory in red with red interior (because all my dad’s cars must be red) and a Rocket 350 V8. … Continue Reading

A Hooniverse Thanksgiving Turkey- Fisker Karma

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Okay, so I may be going for some low-hanging fruit for my choice of Hooniverse Thanksgiving Turkey, but as I’m doing the cooking this year, you’ll just need to bear with me. Just like with cooking, there’s a lot of things that can go wrong when an automaker is just starting out, and sadly for Henrik Fisker, debuting your namesake boutique car during the sharpest economic downturn since the Great Depression was one that hard to see coming.

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A Hooniverse Thanksgiving Turkey — Pagani Zonda GR

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When most automotive geeks hear “Pagani Zonda,” their heads swim as the recall the centered quad exhaust, the functionally sexy design, and–most importantly–the performance that the Modena builder incorporates into each of the Zonda’s small, hand-built run. So how does that qualify it as a Turkey? One has to look no further than Pagani’s futile attempts to entering the pinnacle of the sportscar world by tackling the 24 Hours of Le Mans in 2003.

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A Hooniverse Thanksgiving Turkey: “Help Me!” Cried the Plymouth Prowler

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I really don’t want to call this the biggest let down in sports car history…but then again I probably do. While you’re all garbling down warm turkey, delicious stuffing and oomphs of pumpkin pie; take a moment to reflect back on the best-looking car from the pre- and post- millenium. The Plymouth Prowler is gorgeous, there’s no arguing in that. Nothing from the 1990s and early 2000s screamed “hot rod” like the Prowler. If you didn’t crank your head every time one passed by, get your eyes checked. Massive back wheels, visible steering and suspension components up front, dual exhaust and a stubby sharp nose flanked by two Angry-bird like headlamps. A tall hood and bold rear fender flares set it off even more. I’d also argue that the interior looked retro too and miles ahead of other Chrysler interiors during the time. I was seven years old when this car was introduced, and I was hooked. It looked terrifyingly fast and fun. The word we’re focusing on folks though, is “looked.”

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A Hooniverse Thanksgiving Turkey: The HDT Director.

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The choice of automotive turkeys out there is mesmerising. Plenty of cars were ill-conceived and should never have gone into series build, some were perfectly well thought through but just turned out to be festering piles of lukewarm giblets when they arrived.

For my offering to the Thanksgiving Table, I’d like to offer up a car from Australia to be sliced up and served with potatoes. It’s a high performance car originating from the Holden stable, and we’re giving thanks that it’s just a historical footnote that we don’t have to worry about any more.

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A Hooniverse Thanksgiving Turkey – The Dartz Prombron’ Red Diamond (Singing Back in the USSR)

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I want to personally thank you for checking on Hooniverse during your Thanksgiving Holiday. We know that between the Parades, the Football Games, Thanksgiving Dinner, and of course, Thanksgiving Drinks, we realize that the Hoons that come here during the week might want some automotive frivolity, if only to take a break from their family for a few moments, and maybe gulp down a couple of shots. So, in it’s third year, we thought we would roll out a few Hooniverse Thanksgiving Turkeys, as in Automotive Turkeys…

Our first featured car recently received some attention from Michael Ballaban over at Weekend Jalopnik, and it was the number one featured vehicle in a “puff” piece called ​the Five Most Fantastic Vanity Cars. This is really nothing new to the company who makes this thing because they seem to exist just to prove they can be extravagant in everything they produce. And its not just over-the-top Military Vehicles, because the list goes on to very expensive Russian Vodka and Caviar, Bespoke Mobile Phones, and much more in the future. From the company’s own website, they state “DARTZ’s collection continue century old traditions of Russian opulence and made to uncompromising standards of craftsmanship.” And no, I didn’t pull a “Boris and Natasha” when quoting the website, it actually reads that way…

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