Just Because You Can Do Something Doesn’t Mean You Should

Pete Gaines July 31, 2013 Terrible Ideas

Hey guys, were you aware that the Dodge Challenger and Ye Olde Plymouth Superbird come from (roughly, sorta, not really) the SAME COMPANY? Did you know that? Isn’t that cool? Gee, if only there were a way to celebrate these two muscle cars’ (not really) shared heritage? What could we do to show off some sort of imagined spiritual connection between these two not-at-all-the-same vehicles separated by 40 years and, like, thousands of other reasons?

Nope, not that at all. What the hell were you even thinking, guy at the Monroe County (MI) County Fair? What is WRONG with you? I’ve lost my appetite now. Forget I even said anything.

[Photo Credit: Craig Barker]

[Editor’s Note – Who are we to judge… we turned a BMW 6-Series into a Superbird for LeMons after all]

A Brief Digression On A Car I Will Never Own

Pete Gaines July 31, 2013 For Sale

 I’m sure I’m not unique in this, certainly not in THIS crowd, but one of my favorite procrastination-at-work activities is perusing the used car listings on Craigslist or Autotrader or Cars.com. I’ve got it in my head that the perfect used-car steal is just lurking out there waiting for me – the savvy car guy – to stumble across it.

Some great deal that some clueless sap has listed for thousands under market value, waiting in plain sight while the clueless plebes flip through the pages looking for a used Camry for the family. Somewhere, there’s a GNX on Craigslist for $5,000 and someday, I’m gonna be the guy who finds it. That’s how it works in my head, anyways.

Truth be told, as we know, Craigslist ads are mostly a bunch of overpriced beaters mixed with too-good-to-be-true scam ads. Most people selling interesting cars KNOW how interesting their cars are, and they’re priced accordingly (that is to say, out of my budget). Yes, dear reader, I know there are exceptions out there. Save your outrage. I’m generalizing. Making a point, as it were. Stick with me here.

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V.I.S.I.T. – Vehicles I Saw In Traffic (on the A36 From Montbéliard to Dijon in 1991)



A 10-year-old non-artist’s dramatic depiction of a rented Fiat Uno’s rear license plate.

A moving truck full of stuff showed up at my house two weeks ago. It wasn’t unexpected, as I had hired the movers myself. But the contents of the truck wasn’t strictly all mine (though I suppose now it is) – it was full of, well, stuff from my late mother’s house. Most of the stuff I was expecting – pieces of furniture/artwork/housewares that held sentimental or other value to me, photo albums, papers, Christmas china, and other ephemera that is both meaningful and, let’s be honest, useful. But there were a few boxes of surprises, mostly things my sister simply didn’t want – boxes of books, long-forgotten household miscellany. One or two boxes, however, held fascinating surprises within: my entire childhood’s worth of school papers, report cards, notebooks, drawings, standardized test scores, birthday cards, birth announcements, and just about every other paper-based evidence that I was once a child living in southern Wisconsin and northern Illinois.

I’m getting to the point. One of the long-lost treasures in this box was my travel journal from my family’s first trip to Europe in 1991. Flipping through the notebook that had likely not been touched in two decades, memories of my first European adventure came flooding back to me, particularly…of course…the cars. 10-year-old me, like 32-year-old me, found ’80s Euro cars slightly more exotic and interesting than they probably actually are. And so it was with that mindset that 10-year-old me set out to document every single new and exotic car I saw on the highways of Switzerland, France, and Germany. 

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This Fiero-Motorcycle Mashup will make you question everything


Picture this: you’re a police officer in a small suburban Illinois town. You’re patrolling the streets, keeping your friends and neighbors safe from whatever evil lurks underneath the neat suburban surface. You believe in justice, equality, and the essential goodness of man. You love your wife, your children, your family, and America – the greatest nation on Earth. Though there is a lot of violence and sadness in this great world of ours, you count yourself fortunate to live in a place where things still seem to make some sort of sense. 

Now imagine minding your own business, just trying to finish your shift and get home to your loving family on a Sunday afternoon. Now imagine seeing this. Everything you know is wrong. Your notions of essential goodness and fairness in the world are shattered. Your believe in the beyond is shaken, as you wonder what sort of loving and merciful creator could ever allow such …such EVIL to occur in the universe. “Why, God, why?” you ask as your face crumples into despairing sobs. 

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Cristiano Ronaldo’s Crashed Ferrari Coming Soon To eBay – Finally

Pete Gaines March 8, 2013 For Sale

Ferrari Go Boom

Have you been in the market for an undrivable, unfixable totaled Ferrari 599 GTB? Got an extra $50-100k burning a hole in your pocket? Today’s your lucky day.

Four years ago, soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo – then of Manchester United, now of Real Madrid – crashed his Ferrari 599 GTB into a wall while showing off to friends in a Manchester tunnel. Since then, some enterprising Frenchman has, I guess, been sitting on it in hopes of selling when the time is right, and four years after the fact is apparently that time. Soccer fans are nuts, so obviously some schmuck will overpay for the damn thing and some garage owner in southern France will make a ton of cash. The world’s a funny place. 

The French owner initially tried to list the car on eBay last year, but eBay junked the auction for a security concerns and a “lack of provenance.” The owners claim they gave it to the auction site, the auction site claimed they never got it, lawyers got involved (eBay is, after all, an American company), and now the auction has been given a green light (and the owner got a nice chunk of change from eBay for all the hassle). 

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In Soviet Russia, Subaru WRX Passes You While Spinning

subaru spin

Well, OK, Subaru also passes you in the United States, and would probably pass you in Japan and Europe as well. And any other places on earth where slippery roads and overly-aggressive drivers exist, so yeah – pretty much anywhere and everywhere. There really is no Soviet-style humorous reversal here. YOU pass Subaru? No, that’s not happening. The point is the Subaru is passing. You. It is passing you. In Russia. Not Soviet Russia. SOVIET Russia really was just one part of the Soviet Union, and as far as I know they didn’t have Subarus anyways. And if I’m being completely truthful, the Subaru in Russia (again, not even Soviet Russia) isn’t passing YOU at all. It’s passing some unnamed (presumably) Russian driver just minding his own Russian business on a lonely stretch of Russian highway. In Post-Soviet Russia, Subaru Passes Someone! Catchy, isn’t it? All of which is to say that I apologize for the completely off-target and misleading headline.

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Weekend Edition Craigslist: A Smart fortwo with Balls. Lots of Balls.

WHY WHY WHY WHYSomeone did this on purpose.

[Editor’s Note: Ladies and Gentlemen, THE Pete Gaines…]

Dogs. Balls. Dogs. Balls. Smart fortwo. Dogs. Balls. I…I…there are just so many questions. Not necessarily questions I want answers to, but questions nonetheless. Let’s work through this together.

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