The Pacific Northwest remains the United States’ best kept secret, mostly because the people are weird and the rest of the country is mildly ashamed of it. Or so the television tells me and I always believe everything I watch on TV and the Internet (I‘m on to love you, Illuminati Dance Overlords Faithful Stewards of Mankind). Dang, I almost made it a paragraph without a pointless, useless aside that insulted the American region with the most Hooniverse readers.
But nevermind that; the 24 Hours of LeMons is headed to Washington state for its annual regional race, the “Pacific Northworst” at The Ridge Motorsports Park this weekend. Because a LeMons weekend isn’t hectic enough, some bizarre twists in the track management have left the facility unavailable for LeMons inspections and overnight camping on Friday. This means that all BS and technical inspections will be conducted Saturday after teams flood through the gate and unload their jalopies in hastily hewn paddock spaces. What could possibly go wrong?
The teams that best manage their pre-race frenzy and pass tech without issue will have a leg up with the green flag dropping just three hours after inspections open. Make the jump to see who to expect (to break down and/or catch on fire) on The Ridge’s long straights and dastardly elevation changes (above). Or, for those not interested in verbose pre-race chronicles, you can get the unofficial entry list here.

CLASS C

Class C remains the home for cars that either were never intended to park near a racetrack or were designed to drive on twisty roads back when a real American Tragic Figure simultaneously won and lost a presidential debate. The bottom class is LeMons’ lifeblood and the best part of the races, so it makes sense to start with the cars we expect to run in Class C.
One of our favorite cars and maybe the best-sounding of the bunch comes from Chase Race: The Best Damn Garage in LeMons and it is a 1952 Hudson Hornet (above) with a massive, 308-cubic inch Twin-H flathead straight six. It won the Index of Effluency at last year’s Pacific Northworst and will appear again in full LeMons regalia. If you have a few minutes, watch team owner (and Hooniverse reader) Bret Dodson pilot it around the big Washington course last July.
The other two likely Class C representatives from the U.S. frequently find themselves on “World’s Worst Cars” lists, but they’ve both been reasonably decent in LeMons. Transcontinental Drifters will bring an early 1960 Chevy Corvair, a car type that Hoonitarian Hooniversalists should know well by now. They’ll be joined by Low Road Racing’s Ford Mustang II in a battle of American automotive black sheep.

The real excitement in Class C comes from the ill-fitting stables of British Leyland. A year ago, LeMoneers dredged four different Austins for the race (plus a daily driver and a random Moke, all shown above). This year sees four more Leyland heaps, including return of Silversleeves Racing’s Austin Mini and their Mazda V6-powered Austin Landcrab (leftmost in the above photo). They’ll be joined by another Austin Mini, this one from the legendary LeMoneers Team -Ing With Bad Ideas.
The fourth is the series’ third V8-powered Rover, this time a supercharged SD1 from Team Odin. The car has run a few ChumpCar races and should fit in nicely with the LeMons crowd with a ghettocharged Buick V8.
To date, LeMons has only seen two Peugeot 505s, FFLAT and Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys being the only squads brave enough to run the old Pugs. And guess what? They’re both registered for this race. The Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys may end up in Class B or even Class A, but they’re worth mentioning here because all of your favorite LeMons Peugeots will be in one place!
Also worth noting: The two-Austin team of Silversleeves are shown on the entry list with a C4 Corvette of unknown quality. Where it gets classed, who knows, but how great is a team with a pair of worn-out Austins and the pride of American sportscardom?
 

CLASS B

I could tell you all about the Class A race contenders, but I’m going to make you wait. That’s called suspense. Just don’t scroll down a few column inches (Is that measurement still a thing?). In the meantime, Class B should be surprisingly good at this race.
At the “top” of the class, four teams teeter on the extremely dull knife edge between Class A and Class B. New York Rock Exchange’s two-car team are a study in opposites. Their Volkswagen Rabbit (above) has run just about an even amount of times in A and B and has been the best of the car’s four or five hoopties. It should be a solid Class B car. The second car is a first-year Fox Body Mustang, which has been famous for being stuffed into the wall by a high-school journalist in its first race and totally nuking an engine at its sophomore effort. Its chances seem a bit more tenuous.

John Galt Racing’s BMW 2002 is about the 10th team with the same team name and Neon Pope’s Dodge Neon could win Class B. Both of these teams have a good shot if they can find their way into Class B. The Model T GT crew bring their Brown Car Appreciation Society-grade Ford Pinto (above) to The Ridge after it nearly missed a Class B win in Utah last month.
Two former Class C winners could make a run at the class: Dirty Little Freaks’ Mercedes 300SD ran away with the Class C previously, as did the Van Gogh Dodge Caravan. Neither will be the fastest Class B car, but the Merc should get good fuel mileage and the Caravan has finished in the Top 10 before. With the pre-race action likely to be hectic, showing up with a proven car could give a small advantage in Class B.

Some American muscle finds its way into Class B occasionally; at this race, that includes the No Bronies Ford Mustang and the Canadian Breakin’ Chevy Camaro (above). Both of those pony cars are traditionally attrition magnets, but if they can keep together, their horsepower might prove useful at The Ridge. That also applies to the Henry V8th team, who abandoned their incredible Cadillac Seville for a mid-1970s Chevy Nova last year. That car should bring an extra bit of Zazz to the racetrack.
GM, of course, does reasonably well in the lower two classes. Keep an eye on the Car Error Panamericana and Average Joe’s Saturns, a type that sometimes does alright in Class B if the engine keeps circulating oil. I don’t usually pick Class B longshots, but rumor has it that the ONSET/Tetanus West Cavalier was mostly in its constituent parts with a week before the race. If and when that car gets sorted, it will be a Class B winner.
 

CLASS A

At last, at the front of the field, where several teams really have a fighting chance at the win. This includes some household names on the West Coast as well as a few oddballs. The Ridge’s long front straight makes it a true horsepower track, so the real advantage will likely go to cars with more than four cylinders.
The unlikely favorite, perhaps, could be Dust N Debris. Why is this unlikely? Because the car is a not-so-distant relative of the decrepit, wretched K-Car of (co-)Hooniversal Car of the Year notoriety. Yes, the Dust N Debris entry is a Dodge Shadow (above), a younger derivative of Chrysler’s K Platform that even runs the same Mitsubishi 6g72 3.0-liter V6. With the universe fighting against them, the Shadow’s tenders have somehow made it into a quick, efficient beast. Whatever they’re doing, they should keep it at least one hemisphere’s distance from the K-It-Fwd car for fear of its misery rubbing off. Additional bonus: It has won Class C, Class B, and the Index of Effluency; an overall win would make them the first car to collect all class wins and Index of Effluency.
In the more traditional set of LeMons-winning types, Chotchkie’s Racing brings one of four BMW 3-Series in the field. The Office Space-themed Chotchkie’s Racing E30 has a ChumpCar win under their collective Bavarian belts and they should be in the thick of the scrum at The Ridge. Similarly, Pistola Alto’s Z32-chassis Nissan 300ZX won the two-hour sprint race at Sonoma Raceway earlier this spring. They’re regularly in the Top 10 and have enough pace for the win; reliability has kept them from winning a long-distance race thus far.

If six cylinders aren’t enough for your crapcan needs, a pair of Ford V8-powered cars should pace the field. The Model T GT will make an appearance and it is almost certainly the fastest car in this field. However, its performance tends to depend on the driver lineup. With its regular crew, the T GT is nearly unbeatable. With a good rental crew, it can still win races (as it did last year at The Ridge) but will probably not blow away the field as it has previously. They’ll square off with the Fox Shoppe Ford Mustang (above) to set fastest lap. If the Fox Shoppe car stays in one piece, they might have an outside chance at the win.
As ever, the far-traveling Alfa Romeo Syndicate Eccelente (ARSE, get it? Get it?) #75 Milano will inevitably find itself in the heat of the lead battle. Little niggling issues have kept it out of Victory Circle lately, but if it’s running at full song, the wailing Alfa V6 produces enough power to be competitive at The Ridge. The same goes for Rotary Rooter (Mazda RX-7), Clowntown Road Show (BMW E30), and Speedchimp Racing (Mazda RX-7), all steadily improving teams with the ability to land in the Top 10.
Autosport Labs remains something of an enigma with their Merkur XR4Ti. The Merkur, generally speaking, has performed miserably in LeMons, but Autosport Labs (who also sell affordable real-time racecar data-logging systems) have put theirs in the Top 5 twice. That’s a monumental achievement for the turbocharged FoMoCo orphan.
Keep an eye on two Volkswagens (from a field that includes eight water-cooled VWs): Team Fahrfrumwinnin (no relation to the VW Fox team with the same name on the East Coast) have a pretty decent Jetta and Flying Lumberjacks’ Fox is a regular Top 10 car with a Class C win in the bag two years ago.

As always, we like to pick a longshot to make us look really smart when they do awesome (or to say, “That’s why they were a longshot” when they fare poorly). Luckily, we’ve bestowed that honor on Team Petty Cash’s XJ-platform Jeep Cherokee. The team have struggled with its (kind of) recent GM V8 and manual transmission swap, but if it runs, it should keep pace with much of the field. Will it win? Probably not, but it just might turn in a surprising finish.
More longshots*: SupraSonics (Toyota Supra), Voodoo Doughnuts (two cars: Mitsubishi Eclipse and Honda Civic), Magnum Stache Racing (Nissan 300ZX), Jet-uhh (VW Jetta), and NameSubjectToChange (Porsche 944).
 

 
* Additional longshot picks culled exclusively for excellent team names. Also, Voodoo Doughnuts.
 
[Photos: Murilee Martin]