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Bad Idea: Subaru Tribeca Stretch Limo

Kamil Kaluski November 15, 2017 For Sale, Terrible Ideas 28 Comments

Let’s say you came into some FU money. You’re a big-shot now so you hire a driver because you can’t party with strippers conduct important business and drive at the same time. Since you have a driver, you decide to procure a custom stretch limo, because Maybachs are for tasteless Wall Street hacks. What do you order?

These days large SUVs are the most popular basis for stretch limos, but you don’t care about what’s popular. Sedans, and whatever the hell Ford picked to replace the almighty Panther, are equally lame. Vans, like a customized Mercedes-Benz Sprinter, are huge and comfortable but you don’t want to mistaken for a hotel shuttle. No, you think outside the box, possibly while really high, and you find your answer – Subaru Tribeca! 

Yea, that’s ticket, a Tribeca. Because it’s a Subaru, it will show the world that you’re outdoorsy, care about environment, and love dogs. The lack of outright opulence shows that despite your wealth you are still in touch with the working class. Subtle modifications to the exterior show that despite your modesty you have class, too. Perfuckingfect. 

Because you are a rich idiot man (or a woman) of taste and class, your handpick your interior choices. Black-ish, dark gray, depressing looking, low quality leather is the obvious choice for seat material. But it’s the plaid carpeting that gives your Tribeca limo that personal touch. You don’t scrimp on the latest 1980’s technology, such as handheld intercom phone between you and your driver. 

The rear-most seats are reserved for you, and they’re nothing but the best, of course. You choose the factory Tribeca front seats, of course – Range Rover has nothing on those. And you add aftermarket butt-warmers which turn on via the cheapest aftermarket switch possible, located in the least accessible spot, of course. 

Add the typical classy bordello lighting and tackiest of bars, of course. Thirteen-inch TV, which you cannot actually view from the rear seat, finishes off this masterpiece of crap. Bam, you are done! You have rewarded yourself by accomplishing limousine perfection. This amazing Subaru Tribeca limo is so you!

You can find this amazing automobile on sale here, at Twin Willows Auto Sale. This 2010 model has only 42,384 miles, which means someone actually drove and was seen in it for that much time/distance, and one dent. Get it, now!

Side note – why is it that I think that this thing will appeal to many Hooniverse readers?

  • Mister Sterling

    “why is it that I think that this thing will appeal to many Hooniverse readers”

    Because most of us know and love Subaru. This limo is hilarious. My parents had a B9 Tribeca from 2007-2017 and it was unique vehicle. Seldom fun, but it was rear-wheel biased Subie you could throw around if you turned off traction control and put it in Sport mode. Cobb tuning once put a turbo in a B9 for SEMA in 2006. I am sure that was awesome.

    http://www.motortrend.com/cars/subaru/b9-tribeca/2006/2006-cobb-tuning-subaru-tribeca/

  • Should I ever find myself required to stretch a Subaru, I’d rather start with a 360 and not worry so much about extending the passenger compartment.

    https://c2.staticflickr.com/8/7461/15873175310_bdeb06965d_b.jpg

  • Van_Sarockin

    Built for Ernie Boch, Jr., who has a feature piece in this months Boston magazine. His dad started the New England franchise for Subaru, so making a limo of a Subie makes a certain sense. EB Jr is possessed of many questionable tastes and opinions, in addition to a solid embrace of rock music.

  • Sjalabais

    There’s only one reasonable choice for stretched cars in my mind:
    https://assets.volvocars.com/au/~/media/australia/images/blog-i-roll/17-05/i-roll-may-bertone-264-te.png
    Very pragmatic indeed.

  • Victor

    That is sorry looking seating , school bus benches.

  • Borkwagen

    Either it’s been refurbished, or there’s another one out there. I snapped this pic at an airshow a few years ago near Boston. Note the pinstripe and lack of carriage lights on this one.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/49398b6e00c70873dd598b69c6800bbbb9e7135b664b04832d8f69f928c371ef.jpg

  • neight428

    The plaid carpet with the ostrich leather trim is choice!

  • wunno sev

    no joke, those seats look exactly like the vinyl-wrapped bench out of a work truck-spec Ford Ranger circa 2007. same flat padding, same depressing shiny material, same utter lack of ornament and form.

    • Rudy™

      Then again, they are probably easier to clean when the 20-something chicks drink too much and hurl their appetizers all over them. (One hasn’t lived until one has cleaned rancid spinach dip off of the passenger’s side door. Don’t ask how I know this…)

  • Maymar

    The one thing that always struck me about the Benign Tribeca was how relatively tight it was inside. I’m not big, but even with the middle row back as far as it can possibly go (rendering the third row useless), leg room was merely adequate. Like, a Dodge Journey is slightly better equipped to haul 7 people. So clearly, this takes care of the Tribeca’s biggest flaw, and it’s brilliant!

  • Zentropy

    I can understand Subaru love on Hooniverse. I can understand quirky mods on Hooniverse. But a stretched-limo Tribeca? These cars were ugly and devoid of fun when stock, and made even uglier and more devoid of fun when stretched.

  • Rudy™

    I still remember when I laughed watching the TV coverage of the charity night at Detroit’s auto show, back in the early 80s. They were showing clips of the execs being dropped off in their latest luxury models. Except Chrysler. Here comes Iacocca, pulling up in his freakin’ K-car “limo”! It wasn’t quite stretched, but it had that extra bit of stretched space for the rear seat, much like the longer Fleetwoods in the 60s.

    Some cars just shouldn’t be stretched…or turned limo… ;o)

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/da96f26eac12b398f7b36f43579fb256d6f41f3bcf92171aa8ef47143da10ab6.jpg

  • cap’n fast

    I cannot wait too run into this car. in front of every great driver is a subaru holding her back,

  • Topokon Guy

    There would be demand for this type of AWD LIMO in my place.