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24 Hours of LeMons: ‘Button Turrible’ preview at Buttonwillow

Eric Rood June 17, 2015 24 Hours of Lemons, Motorsports 7 Comments

Spank_Dacia

The 24 Hours of LeMons’ annual visit to Buttonwillow Raceway Park in the California desert may be the very pinnacle of LeMons-dom: The race has typically been held there in the summer when high temperature peak at around 100 degrees. It’s no surprise, then, that this race goes by the monker of “Button Turrible.” Only the most dedicated LeMoneers suffer through this one, but the most dedicated crews tend to be the best and this race is no exception.

As expected, daytime temperatures should push 100 degrees every day this weekend, which will test both idiot and crappy machine equally. Saturday’s race features a three-hour break at 3 p.m. to beat the heat some while Sunday’s checkered flag comes early at 1:30 p.m. local time. This weekend will feature a full plate of sweaty, stinky racing. Follow the jump for an executive brief on what to expect.

Roadkill

Recently, the 24 Hours of LeMons announced its partnership with the Hot Rod Magazine’s YouTube show/series Roadkill. Roadkill sponsors LeMons now, that is. If you’re not familiar, the series follows Hot Rod editors David Freiburger and Mike Finnegan as they do dumb and/or excellent things to old cars (and boats, sometimes). Everything is always 100 percent more difficult than anticipated and things seldom go right. (Also, go watch all of it, if you haven’t. You won’t regret it.)

Just like the experience of typical LeMons teams.

It’s a natural synergy, I’m told, which is like a synonym of energy wherein everything is made of complete and utter fancy. So naturally, it’s a perfect opportunity to synergy-market the series with people whose personal synergies align with those synergies of LeMons and Roadkill in their ability to market that opportunity.

This is a step forward for the 24 Hours of LeMons, so naturally it’s time for LeMons’ teams to increase their market visibility synergy. I’ve identified a few key brand-strategy-market-partnerships in this weekend’s 114-car field (Unofficial entry list here) and have offered catch-phrase suggestions totally not from a terrible Internet slogan generator with a few random words from a random word generator thrown in for good bad measure.

The full report is below.

 

Market analysis: Effluence group

Rambler_2

We’ve prepared this report to look at the fine-quality automobiles that embody “effluence,” that indisputably Lemons-esque synergized quality. You will notice a high percentage of British and General Motors entries; these are companies with a significant marke- share optimization synergy in the field of effluence. Please acclimatize to the following chart, which includes slogans developed over intense seconds weeks of careful planning.

Number Name Year Car Type Slogan
785 Panting Polar Bear Racing 2 1961 AMC Rambler (above) “Feel it: Panting Polar Bear Racing!”
57 Team-Ing With Bad Ideas 1964 Austin Mini “Team-Ing With Bad Ideas, your family will love you.”
661 Planned Obsolescence 1979 Buick Skyhawk “Where’s Planned Obsolescence? Donuts.”
484 Pinewood Dirtbags 484 1976 Chevy LUV “Pinewood Dirtbags 484: You see this name, you think dirty.”
200 Dudes Ex Machina 1980 Datsun 200SX “Pure Dudes Ex Machina. Pure Power.”
448 Gross Polluters Racing Team 1998 GMC Sonoma “Gross Polluters Racing Team: Get ready.”
447 Team Tinworm 1964 Humber Super Snipe “Food or Team Tinworm? I’ll have Team Tinworm.”
180 Missfits 2003 Jaguar X-Type “Make yourself at home with Missfits.”
747 Empty Pockets Racing 1994 Lincoln Town Car “The secret of Empty Pockets Racing: Amnesia.”
0 LaHonda Bandits Racing Grope 1976 Porsche 914 “Who is LaHonda Bandits Racing Grope? Cannibalism.”
81 Bodge Engineering 1981 Rover 3500 SD1 “Bodge Engineering for a better future.”
191 Aqua Volvo 1979 Volvo 242 “Start the day with Aqua Volvo.”
431 Petty Cash Racing B 1991 Jeep Cherokee “Petty Cash Racing B extra dry.”

 

Market analysis: MOPAR OR NO CAR (REDUX) panel

Neon_Pope

We see perhaps a disturbing decline in Chrysler entries with only one last week at our Denver meeting, where Escape Velocity Racing’s Dodge Dart with push-button transmission reintermediated Class C fungibility. This weekend sees only one Mopar interface again.

Number Name Year Car Type Slogan
40 Neon Pope 1997 Dodge Neon (above) “Neon Pope, where success is at home.”

 

Market analysis: Japanese oddballs

BLowes

Our records indicate that synergy imperatives from Japan are leverage highest not from these two makers: Subaru and Mitsubishi. They are character-building, often failing to intrinsically expedite high-quality architectures while also maitaining their ability to simultaneously split flexible infinitives.

Number Name Year Car Type Slogan
969 Empty Pockets Racing 1993 Mitsubishi 3000GT SL “I have a penguin infestation. Thanks Empty Pockets Racing.”
248 Team Blowe’s 1995 Mitsubishi Eclipse (above) “The original Team Blowe’s.”
90 Evil Hella Kitty 1993 Subaru Impreza “The Future of Evil Hella Kitty: Anteaters.”

 

 

Market analysis: General Motors’ and Camero working group

Sheepshaggers

Our vast research has concluded that, among many other important things, Chevrolet Camaro owners wish to have the name of their car spelled “Camero.” We will be holistically working to actualize this goal in all Camero-related communiques henceforth. Bearing that in mind, GM has revolutionized LeMons market value by epitomiphyzing the nature of “Lemons-tude.”

Number Name Year Car Type Slogan
66 Raiders Dance Team 1988 Pontiac Firebird “Truly Raiders Dance Team. Now with more knife fights!”
707 Learning2Turn B 1994 Pontiac Firebird “Learning2Turn beats everything…with a hammer.”
56 BFoF Racing (Bakersfield Finest Old Farts) 1991 Chevy Camero “BFoF Racing brings out the best.”
105 Sheepshaggers 1984 Chevy Camero (above) “Sheepshaggers is the best! Better than BFoF, even.”
755 Tron 1989 Chevy Camero “Tron: Empowering people.”
711 Learning2Turn A 1984 Chevy Corvette “Hallelujah, it’s a Learning2Turn.”
87 ONSET/Tetanus West 1989 Chevy Cavalier “The best ONSET in the world.”
710 Starving Student Drivers 1999 Chevy Cavalier “Starving Student Drivers: One name. One legend.”
108 Avis Race-A-Car 2004 Chevy Aveo “Be part of Avis Race-A-Car. Preferably not the bottom part.”

 

Market analysis: Ford Racing failure-modeling system

Old_Crows

Through our complex data crunching with the highly revolutionary Butt-Turrible 386 supercomputer, we’ve identified that the triplets from Turrible T and the Pinto Bean Bandits are the LeMons equivalent of superstars. We feel that they should focus on the five “-ize” (conceptualize, visualize, strategize, plagiarize, and rubidize) in order to aggregate top-line potentialities for the other “Blue Oval” entries to synergize and max-potentialize-ify.

Number Name Year Car Type Slogan
92 Turrible Ts and the Pinto Bean Bandits 1927 Ford Model T “What is Turrible Ts and the Pinto Bean Bandits? Vampires.”
142 The Old and the Wreckless 1991 Ford Mustang “You better get your The Old and the Wreckless out.”
171 Old Crows A 1996 Ford Mustang (above) “Old Crows: The smart choice. Possibly the only choice.”
777 Holy Rollers Racing 1989 Ford Mustang “Holy Rollers Racing is the only way to be happy.”
27 Turrible Ts and the Pinto Bean Bandits 1976 Ford Pinto “Turrible Ts and the Pinto Bean Bandits – first class!”
67 Turrible Ts and the Pinto Bean Bandits 1975 Ford Pinto “Turrible Ts and the Pinto Bean Bandits for your kids! (Not intended for children)”
99 Big Red Racing 1994 Ford Escort “Big Red Racing, the clever way.”
97 DUCK IT RACING 2001 Ford Focus “Thanks DUCK IT RACING. Thanks for nothing.”
31 Delinquent Racing 1996 Ford Taurus SHO “There’s only one true Delinquent Racing!”
339 The Merkur-y Six 1989 Merkur XR4Ti “The Merkur-y Six: Go for it!”

 

Market analysis: Datsun/Nissan synergized synergy optimization team

Star_Spangled_Buttholes

Nissan have had some struggles recently in the world marketplace of ideas, but we have to remember the key to synergizing our humanification of market placement: Human capital and high-yield relationships. Proactively remember that we’re envisioneering results for covalent people with tangible assets. When dealing with Nissan clients, always remember your mission statement: “Foster compelling networks not just credibly, but enhance.”

Number Name Year Car Type Slogan
808 Haterade 1991 Nissan 300ZX “I want Haterade and I want it now.”
131 The Underground 1985 Nissan 300ZX Turbo “Be inspired by The Underground. Catch on fire.”
181 The GMObiles 1974 Datsun 240Z “The The GMObiles spirit. Twice the the, once the spirit.”
240 Roadkill 1971 Datsun 240Z “Nothing is faster than Roadkill. Just kidding; take the hood off.”
151 Arrive and Drive 1971 Datsun 510 “Arrive and Drive: If you love Arrive and Drive.”
21 Hazard Frought Fools 1997 Nissan 200SX “Hazard Frought Fools is your safe place in an unsafe world!”
665 Dia de Los LeMons 1989 Nissan 240SX “Say ‘Dia de Los LeMons.’ Now hold your tongue and say it.”
138 Carp Diem 1990 Nissan NX2000 “3…2…1…Carp Diem.”
37 Point Breakers 1991 Nissan Sentra “You can’t stop Point Breakers.”
187 Golden Wang’s Gardening Service 1987 Nissan Sentra “Golden Wang’s Gardening Service: Stay in touch.”
776 Star Spangled Buttholes 1991 Nissan Sentra (above) “The Star Spangled Buttholes way of life. Best not imagine it.”

 

Market analysis: Toyopet disaster mitigation response unit

The_Black_Flags

Toyota and related assets have, like the Nissan niche (Chloe, take a note: “Niche-san”), struggled with endurance racing constructs lately. While this weekend Toyota is smaller than the Niche-san contingent, continue to mesh, morph, and monolith the direction of the program. Turn over all the stones and make sure your 12 are worth more than 10 cents.

Number Name Year Car Type Slogan
177 Uncle Joe’s Racing 1983 Toyota Celica “Uncle Joe’s Racing: It’s as simple as that!”
182 The Black Flags 1983 Toyota Celica Supra (above) “I wish I had a The Black Flags.”
550 Fourth Period Drivers Ed 1987 Toyota Corolla FX16 “You better get inside Fourth Period Drivers Ed.”
404 As Seen On TV Racing A 1981 Toyota Starolla “As Seen On TV Racing: It’s a kind of magic.

 

Market analysis: Bike-powered hybrid analytics

BlackIron_MR2

We’re clearly excited by this potentiality. Our data-collection specialists have told us this is exciting, so please feel free to synergize excitement with your constituencies. Remember: People enjoy exciting.

Number Name Year Car Type Slogan
981 Black Iron Racing MR SakiBOMB 1986 Toyota MR2/Ninja (above) “And on the eighth day, god created Black Iron Racing MR SakiBOMB. And it wasn’t awful.”
117 The Fat and the Furious 1990 Geo Metro/CBR “The Fat and the Furious makes your day.”

 

Market analysis: Honda heuristics

Scrappy_Dogs

Our Honda heuristics team are unable to attend this meeting, but I think we can all agree that “heuristics” needs to be used more often in our vocabulary, since it makes us look smart when we know how to pronounce it.

Number Name Year Car Type Slogan
192 Takata R&D 1993 Honda Accord “Discover the world of Takata R&D .”
112 X Dogs 1989 Honda Civic “X Dogs is a female force.”
207 Sting Yer Ring Rideshare 1988 Honda Civic “Sting Yer Ring Rideshare for the masses.”
701 Scrappy Dogs Racing A 1989 Honda Civic “Call a friend. Call Scrappy Dogs Racing.”
86 Team Monaco 1990 Honda CRX “Ooh la la, Team Monaco.”
301 Scrappy Dogs Racing B 1988 Honda CRX (above) “My Scrappy Dogs Racing and me.”
733 Team Delivery Driver – Avoid the Noid 1985 Honda CRX “There’s only one thing in the world I want and that is Team Delivery Driver.”
311 Boom Racing 1996 Honda Prelude “Stay cool with Boom Racing.”

 

Market analysis: Mazda engineering, but not actually with real engineers [Chloe, put emoticons in report here to show how hip we are.]

Hit_And_Run

It looks like we’re running short on space-time here so we’ll expedite this with fewer infomediaries. Let’s get right to the point with no more bullshit (Pardon the language, but we need conciseness and feeling here):

Our Mazda group clearly delivers enterprise-wide ROI proactively like few low-risk high-yield valuables can. This is the intrinsically mission-critical schema in the whole globally productivated initiative.

Number Name Year Car Type Slogan
1 Cow Fart Racing 1997 Mazda Miata “Life’s beautiful with Cow Fart Racing.”
46 Cobra Kai 1990 Mazda Miata “Cobra Kai beat?”
189 Tired Iron Racing 1991 Mazda Miata “The Tired Iron Racing people. (*Don’t look them in the eye).”
333 Occupy Pit Lane 1991 Mazda Miata “Who wouldn’t fight for Occupy Pit Lane?”
553 Eyesore Racing 1993 Mazda Miata “Jesus loves Eyesore Racing.”
619 Lapping for Leukemia 1991 Mazda Miata “Be inspired by Lapping for Leukemia.”
920 Auto Lemon Union B 1992 Mazda Miata “My way is Auto Lemon Union. Unrelated: I’m totally lost.”
18 Formula None Racing 1986 Mazda RX-7 “Live Formula None Racing.”
55 Flaming A-Holes A 1990 Mazda RX-7 “Nonstop Flaming A-Holes.”
555 Mazdarachis 1985 Mazda RX-7 “Share moments, share Mazdarachis.”
647 Hit and Run Racing 1988 Mazda RX-7 (above) “Feel good with Hit and Run.”

Conclusion

I think the report here speaks for itself and elucidates a fundamentally impactful and value-added methdology. This is synergy, people. I can only lay out the clear path forward; it’s up to you to saunter the saunter on your way to—

 

[You can follow the race via live timing on Specialty Timing’s website or via the Race Monitor app for smartphones and devices. It’s better than baking in the California desert.]

EDIT: The ever-awesome CAMERO owner Julian Cordle has informed that RacerConnect will offer a RaceCast livestream on the web from Buttonwillow. You can view it here with side-by-side live timing. The RaceCast will be later archived on YouTube (Check the comments section for a link).

Some important-ish information

 

Friday Inspections (Pacific Time) Noon to 5 p.m.
Saturday Session Time (Pacific Time) 8 a.m. to 3 p.m.; 6 p.m. to 8 p.m.
Sunday Session Time (Pacific Time) 8 a.m. to 1:30 p.m.
LeMons Lap Record 2:05.9 – Geo Player Special (Geo Metro, CBR)
Overall Winners 2009 – Mustard Yellow Volvo… (Volvo 240, V8)
2010 – Off Consistently (Nissan 300ZX)
2011 – If It’s Not Punk, It’s Junk (BMW E34)
2012 – Cerveza Racing (BMW E28)
2013 – Model T GT (Ford Model T)
2014 – Cerveza Racing (BMW E28)
Class B Winners 2009 – Lemons Vice (Honda CRX)
2010 – Spirit of Joe (VW Golf)
2011 – Dust N Debris (Dodge Shadow)
2012 – Clueless Party Vikings (Ford Mustang)
2013 – Team Harlequin (VW Golf)
2014 – Super Troop (Mercury Zephyr)
Class C Winners 2009 – Italian Stallions (Fiat X1/9)
2010 – Dai Hard 2: Dai Another Day (Daihatsu Charade)
2011 – Killer ZomBees (MG MGB)
2012 – As Seen on TV Racing (Kia Rio)
2013 – Bozos Suckos (Volkswagen Beetle)
2014 – Pinewood Dirtbags Troop 282
Index of Effluency Winners 2009 – San Diego Minis aka Team Bean (Austin Mini)
2010 – King Henry V8th (Cadillac DeVille)
2011 – Spank’s combined British nonsense
2012 – Team Tinworm (Humber Super Snipe)
2013 – Planned Obsolescence (Buick Skyhawk)
2014 – Idioti Curse O Masina Pentru Idiota aka Spank (Renault R10)

 

[Photos: Murilee Martin except lead photo by Nick Pon/24 Hours of LeMons]