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Classic Captions – The 1978 Oldsmobile Starfire Firenza Edition

Jim Brennan January 28, 2014 Hooniverse Classic Captions Contest 44 Comments


Welcome to the Hooniverse Classic Captions Post. Once again it’s that time of the week in which this feature appears (after a brief vacation), so it’s now time to review the premise; I search for images that were used by the car companies in their print advertising or brochures, and it is your job to provide a humorous caption that is some how tied in with the image. This week we have an image brought to you by an Advertising Agency who really isn’t sure who the target audience is for this car…

1980 Camaro Ad-003

Last time, we had an image of a Sporty Camaro in a new car showroom, and for some reason the responses were a little on the light side (So I say again, what’s up with that?) The runner-up comment was from mkep819, who seems to be a regular participant in our contest lately. His caption went like this: “Johnny, the state Spelling Bee champion, was shocked to see that he had been misspelling it” Camero”.” This was very clever, and more than a bit funny as well, but there was one overwhelming favorite this time…

This week, the winning caption came from P161911 (another frequent contributor), and the caption went as follows: “Honest mom, it was loose before I touched it!”. Well now, I guess we don’t ever get tired of how these Malaise Mobiles were just slapped together crap, so congratulations P161911 on winning the Caption Contest for last time.

It’s now time to take a look at this weeks entry, and it is an Print advertising image for the 1978 Oldsmobile Firenza Starfire, which is really GM speak for another Vega derivative that was being produced during this time period. The Mad Men within Oldsmobile’s advertising agency seem to be having a very rough time in trying to distinguish this Starfire from the Buick Skyhawk, the Pontiac Sunbird, or the Chevy Monza. While the Sunbird and the Monza were each blessed with both a Formal Coupe and a Hatchback Coupe (and later, a Wagon Version), The Buick and Oldsmobile versions only offered the three door Hatch, seen here in the more expensive, and sporty Firenza Edition (A name taken from the Chevrolet Firenza Muscle Car produced in South Africa, and later used in a line of undistinguished “J” Cars). This is another perplexing image that dates from the time I was in college, and it shows that no one really knew what age group to pitch the car to. Let’s see if we can get a clue here… Older Women? (Nah), Studious Ambitions Black Males? (I don’t know), Sports Loving Jogger? (He’s not even looking at the car!), Attractive Younger Females? (of which there are two!), or the Middle Management Type who seems to be enamored with an expensive Vega… And is this really any way to entice you to purchase a sporty car of the 70′s in which you could have purchased a Mustang II, Mercury Capri II, A Plymouth Arrow, A Dodge Colt, or even a Toyota Celica by this time. Only you can answer these questions, while we bring you this rather unique image to your otherwise boring Tuesday. (You can click here to see the full size image)

You have the next five days to come up with a great caption. The editors will deliberate on the merits of each entry, and after contemplating our own caption (Like how high were the Ad Men at Oldsmobiles Agency at this time), we will pronounce a winner. So, get to work and create you’re own caption for this provocative image.

Photo Credit: Alden Jewell’s Flickr Photostream

  • $kaycog

    Nice one, P161911! For your winning caption, I give you a classic Camaro.

    <img src="http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p210/19stroked89/1969-Chevy-Camaro-with-girl.jpg"width="500"/&gt;

  • onrails

    "These young folks may like this 'sporty' new Oldsmobile" though Helen disapprovingly, "but until they make a proper Firenza Regency Brougham, I'll take my money to Buick."

  • Delighted that the Firenza only seated four, people of all walks of life could appreciate the odds that they wouldn't have to get in.

  • Director: "CUT! I'm trying to shoot a car ad. This is not casting call for "Mayberry RFD" or "Three's Company". Get off my set!"

  • dukeisduke

    Everyone was excited by the colorful Firenza, but if they'd just turned around, they would have seen the future – the overwhelming beigeness of the Toyota Camry!

  • $kaycog

    "That is not your grandfather's Oldsmobile, you young whippersnappers. Who has a penny for this parking meter?"

  • Firenza: Rapid Oxidation Means Never Paying A Parking Meter

  • skitter

    I think this is superimposed.
    I can tell from the smiling and having seen many superimpositions in my time.

  • POLAЯ☄NienSlooshboxn

    Although much smaller then, Becky (the blonde girl) eventually grew enough sizes to be the one to sing for Oldsmobile in 2004.

    • Irishzombieman☆

      <img src="http://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/800x600q90/577/kymn.jpg"&gt;

      Too much awesome. Mind blown.

      • POLAЯ☄NienSlooshboxn

        Thanks you Irishzombiechan, You wreck my brain quite often here yourself, my Broseprechaun friend.

        * My other choice was,

        We all know what Oldsmobile gets when they make a fat lady sing in 2004, but what do Oldsmobile get when they make an older woman Gasp as if to say, "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: 'Worship your Husband's Ninety Eight Regency, and serve him only.'", in 1978?

  • "No, these bystanders aren't laughing at you for buying a Starfire," Bob's girlfriend said encouragingly. Then she looked around. "Okay, they actually are, but…"

  • Irishzombieman☆

    Everybody was pretty impressed with Doug's new car, so when the old lady ran up yelling "Firenza car! Firenza car!" they thought she was just as excited as they were.

    Then the Italian accent and the smell of smoke clicked together like a couple of neodymium magnets, and while they all managed to get away just before the Olds blew up like the volcanoes of the old lady's youth, each one carried the scars of molten polyester on their backs until the day they died.

  • Number_Six

    From left to right:

    Eddie Murphy
    Steve Erkel
    Cheryl Tiegs
    Ted Danson
    Tony Danza
    Leather Tuscadero

    Who are six people who have never considered buying an Oldsmobile Firenza?

  • Devin

    It was at this point that the city of Des Moines realized they needed a uniform for their meter readers.

  • Ian

    "Guys, check it out! It's even uglier on the inside!"

  • Rich

    GM ad executives heard something about "The Village People" and how cool they were, but as usual they got it wrong.


    "Hey everyone look, a $100 bill just lying in the street!"

  • Here we see the many faces of Fletch

  • The word "fire" appears twice in the name of a car that's not a Ferarri.

  • Moriarty

    The bystanders were amazed that a car parked in New York long enough for the parking meter to expire still had it's radio.

  • Neen85

    The director of advertizing was not happy with what he was looking at.

    "Look at this…you put the central guy in the middle of the frame and then you flank him with an old lady and a brunette staring at his rear end. Listen I know that we need to be hip here at Oldsmobile…but we need to make the car the center of attention and not the actors arse."

    "Let's crop the old lady and transpose her at teh end of the car like so."

    Then we'll move the brunette to the front of the vehicle to balance out the shot. We will add in a token minority figure to the left where the old lady was at and just to the right of the main male, we will add a young and fit envious type named Average Joe."

    "The crop job will work pretty easily on the old lady since we had originally pulled her photo from an earlier shoot Go ahead and use that african male stock we have from that Dodge promo."

    "Don't worry about the lack of feet on Joe…it's the only athletic stock we have on this budget."

  • I'm not clever enough for a caption, but I was struck by how similar this car is to the later Pontiac Grand Prix 2+2:
    <img src="http://www.remarkablecars.com/main/pontiac/pontiac-00033-2.jpg"width="600"&gt;

  • "What are you guys up to"
    "HA HA HA HA! Somebody superglued Dick's chin to a car again! Ha ha ha!"
    "You guys!"

  • mkep819

    Back in the mid to late 70's, psychologists identified a small group of the population as chronically serious, that is to say, people who never smiled, laughed, or had an enjoyable thought. Doctors tried many things: comedians, nothing happened. Clowns: deeper depression. Cute puppies & babies: Still nothing. Finally, the one desperate doctor showed them this car, and explained that this was going to be the best car ever built.

    This picture shows that they thought that may be the funniest joke they ever heard.

  • dr zero

    Wow – someone has been busy with the thumbs down button today.

    • Irishzombieman☆

      It's been happening a lot on the Caption post. I get thumbed down at least twice every week and it kinda ticks me off. Seems to be fairly across the board today, though.

      Song lyrics rearranging themselves in my head. . . .

    • Yeah, it's either someone who doesn't understand how we use the downthumb around here, or someone gaming the system to try to win. Either way, it's kind of crappy.

      If you don't like/disagree with a comment, leave it alone. If you do like a comment, give it an upthumb. The downthumb is for comments that are unacceptable to the community at large (i.e. racist, hateful, etc.).

  • Is it possible that you troll some other site? We really enjoy ourselves here in the Hooniverse and really don't need your type of input round these here parts. Try to Celebrate Life sometime, will ya?

  • rasalghoul

    "Starfire Firenze, when you absolutely, positively have to be laughed at by every demographic. "

  • Dan

    Hoverjoggers. Hoverjoggers everywhere.

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