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Announcing the 2013 Hooniversal Car of the Year!

Deartháir January 1, 2014 Hooniversal Car of the Year 43 Comments

Horse Race

Today is an historic day indeed. After a hard-fought battle across multiple social media outlets, with campaigners and complainers alike making their cases loud and long to anyone who would listen, the polls closed last night as we all cried “Happy New Year”. Well, as we on the West Coast cried it, and the East-Coasties were crying “Happy 3AM”, but you get the idea.

And, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, it can safely be announced that we have a tie. When the polls closed at midnight, we had received exactly the same number of votes for SpeedyCop’s Spirit of LeMons and for the Worst Car in the World. I’m disappointed in all of you.

As such, I’m arbitrarily disqualifying everyone except the Bricklin. Hooray!

No? Sigh. Fine then. It is a tie, and for the first — and hopefully only, because we never came up with any rules about what to do in the event of a tie — time, there are two Hooniversal Cars of the Year. I thought we should make the owners battle to the death in a giant vat of pudding, but I believe that would put poor SpeedyCop up against a disturbingly-large K-Car Horde. We need a name for them. They remind me of juggalos.

Unfortunately, there is only one Participant Ribbon Exotic HCoTY Trophy, and when I tried tearing the ribbon trophy in half, it disintegrated into a handful of green threads and gold sparkles. So congratulations to each of you, enjoy your handful of shredded remnants shared trophy!

For everyone who voted… I hope you’re proud of yourselves. Now go to your rooms.

  • Mike C.

    The rules clearly state "In the event of a tie at the end of the appointed voting period, voting will remain open for another approximately six to eight minutes, or until someone remembers to turn off the voting thingy."

    • topdeadcentre

      Indeed… however, the rule doesn't say that we can't still end up with a tie, especially if someone forgot a rule or something.

      • monkey_tennis

        In the event of a tie there should be a sack race to decide the winner.

  • dukeisduke

    Go Swayback! It's the win, or the glue factory!

  • Sjalabais

    A tie reflects this year's strong contest. I assume the HCOTY-award will triple, if not fivle, the value of given car when it first appears on bringatrailer.com?

  • ptschett
    • berserkker

      Hmmm, I smell a rat…….why am I not surprised?

      • jeepjeff

        I just smell brefass scotch on the breath of the guy who was supposed to turn off the poll at midnight.

        • Van_Sarockin

          They all do that.

    • Deartháir

      For whatever reason, the poll is closed and not recording votes anymore, but some people can still go and vote. Those votes just seem to vanish into the ether after it automatically closed at 23:59:59 Dec 31, but it doesn't actually block people from voting. So it'll show any random number at this point.

  • wunno sev

    can i suggest altered considerations for lemons cars for next year?

    it's tuff for "real cars" (for lack of a better word) to compete against cars that don't have to comply with laws, be reliable, or be driven regularly around people who (for example) employ, marry, or enforce aforementioned laws upon the driver. i think a lot of worthy contenders for the title can get shut out by cars that have far fewer constraints on mechanicals, appearance, &c.

    it's not that i disagree with the winners, or that i mean to discount the hoonworthiness of lemons cars; these two cars are extra dope and certainly worthy of recognition as prestigious as an HCotY award. far be it from me to suggest how the show should be run, but maybe a separate hooniversal lemons coty would diversify the field?

    • Moemann

      Both the K and SoL are street legal.

    • The previous LeMons HCOTY, the ZomBee, is not only street-legal but is driven regularly.

      I believe this is with spousal approval, or at least spousal support….

      <img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-j6HiSi_SjaI/T7QomXQlCYI/AAAAAAAACq0/HRbpelaoXR0/s400/Wifes_Engine.jpg&quot; width="400">

      • wunno sev

        i think "driven regularly" is more relevant to my objection than "street-legal".

        my point is just that a given lemons car is much more likely to appeal to hooniverse readers than is a given car off the street. hence why we had two lemons cars sweep the field this year, the ZomBee was the only lemons car entered in its year, etc.

        lemons cars are (i retain this argument) subject to far fewer constraints than most non-lemons cars, and they are encouraged (by culture and by the organizers) to be standouts. ergo, if lemons cars are nominated every year, they will win, and we'll have a de facto hooniversal lemons car of the year anyway. there's not a large enough sample size to say this will happen for sure every time, but we're what now, 2 for 3?

        it's nbd one way or another, just a thought i wanted to put out there.

        • Nuclearspork

          The K probably drove more miles on the highway this year than most of the other nominees.

          • paulz67

            I suspect that the K drove more miles this year than most people's cars do in an entire year. Granted, "change your oil/change your engine" applied here.

        • LeMons cars now have won two years out of five, so it's not quite yet to the level of domination.

          For what it's worth, though, I voted for the Bricklin.

      • ˏ♂ˊ mzs zsm msz esq

        QUIET YOU, I don't think she suspected a thing even yet!

    • Zaxbys

      Besides the K being street legal, it also drove about 25,000 miles on US roads while traveling from race to race this year.

    • Deartháir

      For what it's worth, I agree with you. I may start setting themes for future HCotY's. I wholeheartedly agree with the ZomBee's victory, since Pete has been a contributor both here and on AtomicToasters for years now. The K and the Spirit, however, are not unique to Hooniverse, nor are they in any way "ours". They are pretty friggin' awesome (well, the Spirit is), but their actual connection to Hooniverse is tenuous at best.

      I'm not taking away from their victory in any way, it was well-won and well-deserved. But I think we need to level the playing field if a LeMons racer wants to get nominated next year. Fortunately I've got 11 months to think about it. Or, more accurately, 11 months to procrastinate, and then a night or two to think about it.

      • ˏ♂ˊ mzs zsm msz esq

        Oh man the themes worry me. I had two other cars also for consideration for a nom, but it was just more difficult to get a hold of the owners and get their blessing for a write-up because I'm not sure they even use email. I was planning on seeking one out more deliberately late this summer and would hate to then later find-out it did not meet criteria.

        I never saw the Spirit in person, but I did witness the K first hand, it truly was special. It was running overall well that weekend and the team was fun to watch, you could see it in their demeanor how much of a great time they were having. Also a lot of the people involved are at least readers here. And the story of how it all happened and got from race to race and performed at each race was pretty notable too.

        Thinking back, the old Itala was one of my favs, but it did not have much of a hooniverse connection of any sort.

  • LeMonster14

    We are The K Nation!
    Do NOT compare us to juggalos. They have to be about the stupidest collection of morons on the planet. We are masochists, huge difference. Now, the guy who built that autoabomination of a teal Cadillac, he may qualify for juggalo status and he can have it. Although even he probably has better taste in music….. maybe.

    K Nation! Say it loud and say it proud…. HCOTY!!

  • DriftTruck wins by default.

    • ˏ♂ˊ mzs zsm msz esq

      Not the Mustang of Poland? BTW, thanks for today's installment of RASH, made me smile.

  • DC Doug

    No pix of the winners? You are just phoning it in, Dearthair.

    Also, as the only person who helped build both these fine stallions, I demand the participation ribbon!!!1!

  • griffer

    You threw outmy Sainted Mother's vote?

  • DC Doug

    Sorry, McD. Totally forgot about that. Damn, we'll have to cut it in half.

  • DC Doug

    Eric, you rock!

  • BlackIce_GTS

    I was pondering really hard and then I went to a party, I didn't know voting was going to close so soon.
    I had it down to:
    LeMons K: A turn key LeMons car. Where 'turn key' is followed by 'swear, wrench, repeat'.
    Whitey: First-hit-is-free rally car.
    Nomad: The K car and Whitey are enabling hoons, this car is raising them.

    So, I'll cast my imaginary hypothetical write in ballot for Whitey, just to be difficult.

  • B72

    I voted (assuming it took) for the Rebel. It's so completely pointless and impractIcal, It doesn't even race. It probably doesn't even get where it's going very often. And yet it looks like so much fun, I want one!

    Of course I pay less for gas than they do in Finland, but that in my mind makes it all the more pointless, and therefore worthy.

  • Speedycop

    The Hooniverse HCoTY Spirit of LeMons/K-It-Forward tie was rather poetic, with 341 votes (as of midnight PST) for sheer awesomeness, and 341 votes for sheer awfulness. For those not in the know, the K-It-Forward K Car was an old Plymouth Reliant Station Wagon (built on Chrysler's "K" car platform). It was purchased from its original owner, Detroit Betty (an elderly woman in very poor health), for $500, with her full knowledge and support of their plan to race it in LeMons. Sadly, she passed away before the car made its first race, but her indomitable spirit lives on through the K Horde.

    By the end of 2013, the K racers were so accustomed to the aforementioned awfulness (breakdowns were as common as driver swaps, more so at times) that even the slightest bit of on-track performance was regarded as total dominance. Finished your brief stint without a tow, or massive failure? DOMINATION!!!1!11! Passed a couple of slow cars during your stint? DOMINATION!!!1!11! Brakes only require 3-4 pumps to get at least one wheel to lock up randomly mid-corner? DOMINATION!!!1!11! Almost half a tank of gas used before fuel starvation in the turns? DOMINATION!!!1!11!

    Altogether, this made the entire K-It-Forward program an undeniable success. It created a lot of new friendships, helped many lousy mechanics become skilled, and saved countless marriages (because it drained bank accounts so completely that men could no longer afford hookers or booze, and were too exhausted from wrenching to argue with their wives). It also nearly killed a few of them, but clearly what doesn't kill you makes you stronger (Mike Taylor should be up for Mr. Universe at this point). My hat is off to you, K Horde. Never before have so many labored for so long to turn so few (slow) laps. Well, since we spent 1400 hours building the plane, anyway…

    Congratulations, ladies and gentlemen of the K Horde! Detroit Betty is 😀 down right now…

    • Sjalabais

      Now this is the best praise of the K car so far, especially coming from that other winner. Gentlemanly.

      • Speedycop

        I drove it in two races—the first, and the last—and spent hours wrenching on it. I know that of which I speak. 🙂

    • UDman

      Jeff, you are indeed admirable, and the death "K" and your plane 'de Cessna were the best things in LeMons in a long time… As far as 2014, I really don't see the epic builds anymore. Your Cessna/upside down Camaro/Trailer Thingy has been witnessed (We are all waiting for the octo car to appear in some form or another) and we have nominated the twin engines Toyotas already… and Scotts Simpsons based BMW has been all over the net, I'm not sure what's left…

      I am truly surprised that my nomination made it to third place… like some sort of a Ghost Rider…

  • Speedycop

    Thanks UDman! I'm still kicking myself for passing up that stint in your Corvair at Stafford. Oh, how that track sucked…

    As far as not being sure what's left—haven't we met? Hi, I'm Speedycop. I think up dumb shit, and build it.