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HCOTY Nominee: What Dat Teal Do SLAB Cadillac

Eric Rood December 23, 2013 Hooniversal Car of the Year 37 Comments

slab

This nomination comes from a couple of readers who also happen to be automotive writers. Murilee Martin and Sajeev Mehta insist that the What Dat Teal Do SLAB from Houston should not only be considered the Hooniversal Car of the Year, it should generally be considered the Greatest Car Ever Built. It may be an unorthodox nomination, but this fringe-y corner of the automotive universe appreciates those who make extraordinary efforts to stand out. And What Dat Teal Do is one of the world’s most conspicuous cars.

For the unfamiliar, SLAB stands for “Slow, Low, and Bangin’.” “Slow” is how you drive a SLAB so everyone can take in its gravitas. “Low” is how it rides, ideally almost scraping the pavement. “Bangin'” describes the substantial wattage behind the stereo setup.

Trunk

If you want an education on the SLAB culture, watch this pretty darn good documentary (or at least its first part). But here are the Cliff Notes: SLABs are highly customized Cadillacs (usually) from a movement that started (and is still centered) in Houston, Texas. They feature incredibly elaborate custom machinations, “elbowed” wheels, and sound systems that can move more air than a turbofan.

Side2

So what sets the What Dat Teal Do SLAB—whose owner’s name is apparently Kerry—apart from the rest of the SLAB culture? Sajeev explains in brief:

“Unfortunately I have nothing specific on Kerry’s car.  Slabs are often grouped by color (Red line, Blue line), and he’s got the most wicked of the “Teal Line”.  At the SLAB festival a few months back, the teal line was the last to park (late?) and this car was the last…it made a big splash. The car itself is insane, the craftsmanship and the crowd it generated.  At some point I need to contact the guy “in charge” of the Teal Line, but I have no idea how to do that.”

Indeed, the workings of this car are nothing short of spectacular and a little mysterious to outsiders, which is the entire purpose of a SLAB. See What Dat Teal Do in action below:

Pick your jaw up from the floor and reflect on the awesome:

  • Four gullwing doors, Two Lambo doors in the front and two gullwing doors on the rear sporting TVs? Check.
  • Trunk, featuring an extra set of Elbowed ’84s, that opens via four motorized panels? Check.
  • Multiple light-up neon signs that lift from the trunk, the most obvious of which reads “F*** Red F*** Blue What Dat Teal Do,” a disparaging jab at the other, inferior Houston SLAB sets (See above)? Check.
  • Gorgeous teal-and-white coachwork? Check.
  • Candy-colored paint? Check.
  • Sound system that vibrates the fenders like a mini-earthquake? Double-check.

GTA

Of course, no car can really claim fame until someone puts it in a video game. In this case, someone appears to have hacked some SLABs into a version of Grand Theft Auto with What Dat Teal Do featured prominently. See the video:

So what do you think? Even if it’s not the typical Hooniverse fare, you have to admit the craftsmanship and imagination in this build is absolutely remarkable. Is it worthy of the HCOTY title? Murilee’s hand allegedly hovers over the “Cancel Internet Subscription” button that adorns his office desk (so I imagine, at least) if you don’t think so. Maybe that’s enough motivation to steer your vote to the Way of the Slab.

 Interior

Have any doubts in life? Just ask, “What would What Dat Teal Do do (WWWDTDD)?”

[Photos: Sajeev Mehta | Screenshots from YouTube users Damarcus Agnew and slabsNloc]

  • $kaycog
  • 12cylofpain

    Ridiculous, tasteless, absolutely absurd, completely useless! I love it.

    No seriously, every car-snob part of me is going, "WHAT!" but there's this bit under there that just grins in appreciation. It's like someone looked at my copy of Saint's Row (2, the 3rd, 4, etc) and made one of the silly custom cars I made in that a reality…

    I can seriously appreciate the insanity there, I would place one of these on the same spectrum as say custom cruisers or ratrods; I wouldn't ever want something that impractical in my life, but I can honestly say it's pretty awesome.

    (Also the build quality there is really great, not only was a lot of effort put into these things but skill too. Gotta give kudos for that even if it's not directly my sorta thing.)

  • CopterBob

    I…I…umm…it's…umm…I…I…well, I….you have to…I…I.. My, aren't there lots of hinges.

  • MurileeMartin

    I'm not joking, this is the Greatest Car of All Time.

  • Scandinavian Flick ★

    <img src="http://i.imgur.com/ARimQ.gif"&gt;

    Though I think the fact that a cop immediately threw himself under the wheels of this thing in the GTA video (at 0:48) really says it all.

  • I_Borgward

    The car that twerks!

  • wunno sev

    IMHO this SLAB is GOAT material, TYVM. HCOTY!

  • wisc47

    Say what you will about the car, but the owner clearly had an idea of what he/she/it wanted and spent the time and the money necessary to not only accomplish their dream, but to do it the proper way (if there were such a thing in this scenario). So, on that fact alone I must say bravo.

  • dwbf11

    So…untold amounts of labor and money spent here, but we leave the grandma's couch plastic seat cushions in place for car shows? Interesting.

  • It's cool, but would have been awesome if the work had been done on a Dodge Stratus for Max Irony….

  • tintedchrome

    As the owner of a 94 Fleetwood, I weep whenever I see this car..

    • C³-Cool Cadillac Cat

      As someone who is lusting over a 53K mile 1996 'family' car, black on black, for properly funeral dress, priced at $3,500, I'm with you in that a tear is shed.

      This…this abomination should take a one-way trip to the sun.

      Though, it may cause the sun to go supernova due to the amount of tastelessness involved. That'd cause other issues.

      • dominic1962

        Pretty much. What a waste of a good Caddy! I am very surprised that the overabundance of base doesn't shake all that gaudy crap off. Well, maybe it has by now, who knows.

        Besides, whoever used the word "gravitas" in the article above should probably look that word up. "Gravitas" is the type of thing you see with an old school Catholic bishop processing into his cathedral, or royalty processing into their throne room. There is sure pomp and circumstance, but its very old world old school-classy in other words. This sort of thing makes one think of Lil Jon strutting in to da club with crunk cup in tow, wearing a plastic crown and some pendant as big as his head. "Gravitas" is NOT the word for that, you might have meant "gauche".

    • sc296

      I agree. It's sad to see what was a nice fleetwood go to waste.

  • Nuclearspork

    even though cosmetically it apears it should have a full set of spare tires, what do you bet it actually doesn't have space for one anymore.

  • I've seen worse. I mean, this could have been done to an NSX.

  • George Barris

    I thought the red Mustang was a steaming pile of merde, then I saw this piece of plop !

    • The real George Barris would like it.

  • pj134

    So, if I had a cadillac of similar vintage, I would go more with the mobsteel look than this. This is in no way my cup of tea. But holy shit the amount of time and money put into this car is insane. Imma let him do him as his trunk requests.

  • ˏ♂ˊ mzs zsm msz esq

    I wonder if they have a forum? Guess we'll find-out. It's really well done, but the buzzing sound around 4:20 would make for a bad trip, if you catch my drift.

  • The cut-outs above the rear hubs look a bit unfinished. Otherwise, it's a masterpiece.

    • Rover1

      Almost the first thing I noticed, it is a jarring note amidst claims of 'craftmanship'.

  • If this sweet ride represents the HCOTY more than this one, I am turning in my key to the vault.

    <img src="http://hooniverse.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/July_4_2013_057.jpg&quot; width="600">

    • Keep the faith, LR. This is still my frontrunner.

  • craigsu

    I suspect Murilee is nominating this for HCOTY in the hopes that it will become his for a weekend's worth of LeMons Judgemobile.

  • UDman

    Just when I got used to the terms "Donk" "Box" and "Bubble", I now have to add "SLAB"…

    • Justin

      SLAB. Lífe

    • Justin

      Swangaz <[. ]> poking out

  • OA5599

    For the unfamiliar, SLAB stands for “Slow, Low, and Bangin’.”

    Technically, it's Slow, LOUD, and Bangin'.

    [youtube f4Lh8eoEfIU http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4Lh8eoEfIU youtube]

    I can't say I'm a fan of the movement's aesthetics, but I watched a little bit of the documentary linked above and I like the explanation given by the guy talking: buying something you can afford and then making it your own, nose-to-tail, trumps buying a new car on payments and bolting a set of Swangas on it.

  • Shane

    Wow this sums up what is right with spending $5 million on a $20,000 car!

    Everything is over the top and amazing!

    Keep it up!

  • POLAЯ

    So that's what an unemployed Transformer looks like?

  • POLAЯ

    Man, that puts the teal in

    #aintnobodygonnasTEALdat

  • joshwebster84

    As I clicked through the link, I thought, "please don't be from Houston, please don't be from Houston… Fuck."

  • Tyler H

    Those spare tire carriers look like his and hers tailgate crappers.