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Truth in Advertising? – Hazard Fraught Tools

Robert Emslie September 24, 2012 All Things Hoon 69 Comments

You may not live within driving distance of what I like to call my favorite one-time use tool store, Harbor Freight, but apparently a couple of contributors for Mad Magazine do.

Images: [Mad via Madcoversite]

  • Irishzombieman☆

    /laughing uncontrollably, leaving the room now before someone asks why

    • Scandinavian Flick

      I was doing okay restraining myself until I reached the 18-Volt Cordless Hammer and SOME KIND OF GAUGE!

      • JayP2112
      • Irishzombieman


        /collapses in hysterics again

        • jeepjeff

          I really like how the muppet work gloves come in multiple finger count for those customers who already own the Meglinating Variable Intensity Multifunction Power Tool.

          EDIT: Apparently someone has been through one too many machine shop safety courses.

          • Irishzombieman

            I am of the opinion that if I ever go to use my table saw (or any other shop tool) and am not completely terrified, it's time to sell it.

            • Exactly the way I approach motorcycles.

      • Jon

        Bought one of those "SOME KIND OF GAUGES" Interesting conversation piece. Guys visiting my garage ask "What kind of gauge is that?" I say, it's "Some kind of a gauge:" They ask what I bought it for? I say "In case I need it!"

        • Dan Kap

          Jon, I don't know if your story is true or not, but I'm STILL laughing…

    • Jay

      I haven't laughed this hard the entire month. Thanks Robert!

    • Guy McDude

      Being an employee with harbor freight I can attest to the accuracy of this.

      • Eris

        Former employee here. Yep.

        • ANDREW McDUDE JR


  • Devin

    I like how the multi-tool has a gaydar and paternity tester, for the rare guy who might need both.

    • It's the highly desirable bi-directional model. Also operates on AC and DC.

    • chrystlubitshi

      it is meant for the upwardly mobile unidirectional being…. male/female? we don't know. sexual orientation? yes. etc.

      is it a skirt or a kilt? just don't ask…. you're going to be wrong.

  • That is f'n HILARIOUS! I didn't know there where Hoons at Mad.

    I own or want everything in that add. Love how the sale prices are higher than the regular prices.

    Ooh, sorry for the typos. I'm laughing too hard to type straight.

    • Sale prices higher than regular happens for real (yo) at Target more often than you'd imagine. I'd link ya to one of Consumerist's posts, but they seem to be on an extended hiatus since sometime last week.

  • Impalamino

    50' Garden Hose/Extension Cord Combo, right next to the 8 oz. Solid Brass Carpenter's Dreidel!

    My sides hurt from laughing so hard. I subscribed to MAD for years, and now I'm a semi-regular at Harbor Freight. Absolutely spot-on perfect satire!

  • $kaycog

    Those are the funniest tools that I've ever seen! I love how the sale prices are higher than the regular prices.

    • mikeluscher159

      Get back to Jalopnik.
      And take this with you, I had to go to BITOG to find this piece of Gold….

      Thank you…

  • pj134

    I'm in a dead silent office with like 3 people left here. My insides are going to exit through my mouth shortly from holding in laughter.

    • hglaber

      Then do what I did – IM it to them as a character test. Those that burst out laughing are your friends. Those who remain silent are those of whom you should be suspicious.

    • MindHacker

      For future reference, the trick is to exhale all of the air in your lungs -all of it!- before reading.

  • craigsu

    I simply must have the Meglinating Variable Intensity Multifunction Power Tool! It is the perfect complement to my box of muffler bearings and franistats.

    • You'll absolutely need it for adjusting a Rockwell Turbo Encabulator!

  • njhoon

    I simply must have the moron lamp. For my friend, of course.

  • Van_Sarockin

    That horrible rising sensation when you realize your tool collection is incomplete. I HAZ IT! Get me to that parking lot sale NAOW!

  • Chicago Electric … the brand most prefered by three-fingered carpenters.

    Graverobber, you've outdone yourself. This is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.

  • jeff

    Hazard Fraught Tools, Mitt Romney Approved.

  • BobWellington

    That machete key actually looks pretty cool.

    • And, like the ad says, it'll make the security weenie's day at the airport.

      • BobWellington

        Yeah, and then you can secretly stab them and jump on the plane, none the wiser.

  • buzzboy7

    Warning: Remove cats from room before painting.

    • It's much easier to paint the cats if you put them in a cage outdoors before firing up the spray gun.

  • C³-Cool Cadillac Cat

    If I never post to Hooniverse, again, let it be known I died from quite-literally uncontrollable laughter…

  • Dean Bigglesworth

    Thank you. I lost it at "18V cordless hammer"

  • Joe Dunlap

    I want two of the garden hose/ extension cord combos. Saves on the bent nails to hang em on in my shed.

  • mark

    Oh, laser guided paintbrush, how have I lived without you?!

  • Irishzombieman

    GAAAAA! My 10-year-old daughter just used the phrase "moron lamp" with a straight face! HA HA HA!

    Aaah, can't breathe!

  • Excellent! I love that Harbor Freight has a 'no questions asked' return policy; since it costs more to pay someone to ask questions than it does to just take the crap back and re-sell it.

    Any New Englanders have a soft spot for the Building 19 flyers? They were better than the funny pages on a Sunday afternoon.

    <img src="http://www.building19.com/classicads/largeads/ojtrivia.jpg&quot; width="500/">

    <img src="http://www.building19.com/classicads/largeads/chemsuit.jpg&quot; width="500/">
    <a href="http://www.building19.com/classicads/classicadgallery.htm” target=”_blank”>http://www.building19.com/classicads/classicadgallery.htm

    • "Warm as toast" – very precise.

      I don't remember ever seeing those – where do you find them, in the Sunday Globe? It's been a long time since I lived in Vermont.

    • Hopman

      I do. It's nice to see a company that doesn't take themselves too seriously!

      • chrystlubitshi

        when I was young, I ordered something from American Science Supply company. We used to read the catalogs just because their product description was funny…. then my mom tried to abbreviate their name on the 'pay to the order of' line of the check…. and promptly tore it up and decided to write smaller because she didn't want the bank to see a check to "A.S.S. Company"

  • thepeopleswheels

    I don't think I've had as good a laugh in a long time. Man, Mad Magazine still "gets me."

  • Great stuff!! I've always wanted a set of left-handed metric crescent wrenches and screwdrivers myself.

    KaleCo Auto parts has a nice selection of blinker fluid, muffler bearings and cross-drilled brake lines too. Check em' out!

    <img src="http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f165/switch1625/BlinkFluid.jpg&quot; width="600">
    <a href="http://kalecoauto.com/” target=”_blank”>http://kalecoauto.com/

  • useless

    The parking lot sale is too realistic. It always seem the prices are higher and tools even crappier, if thats at all possible. Understaffed is so true, its hard to find anywhere- where theres actually enough staff to run anything.

  • Raymond

    Whats so funny ? I bought all of that stuff when it wasnt on sale. Im really upset.

  • droog phoomp

    I guess they no longer stock the Chloroform Dog Bed.

  • Robert

    Excellent!! So HF. BTW, no one made mention that the quoted regular prices were generally half the advertized sale prices.

  • Evan

    So this is where my wife has been buying my birthday gifts!

  • alan

    Dammit….. left handed thwangle washers are out of stock again

    I have sooooooo many tool tart friends…..gotta fwd this.

  • oscar

    I need a lasser guided paint brush, thats perfect, hahahhahahhahahah

  • OldGoat

    More than a grain of truth to this. Very funny.

  • stephen


  • tomfiola@msn.com

    Really neat listings….

  • hahahaha

    This is the FUNNIEST THING I've seen in a LONG time! I have been getting these flyers out the ass lately!!

  • Rudy

    I can't believe I've lived throughout my entire life without owning an 18 volt cordless hammer. Where were these cordless hammers while growing up?? But I see now that the 16 ton nail straightener will cure those buckets of bent nails I had from my old hammers…

    • Rudy

      (And BTW I shouldn't laugh–my grandfather, too much idle time on his hands in later years, used to take his tack hammer and straighten out bent nails!)

  • Richard

    I found so many things that i never knew that i needed them.


    the Moron light…that's priceless…especially the dork's face. I just about fell outta the chair!

    Merry Christmas!!

  • Greg

    Call Harbor Freight and ask for some of these items to waste their time.

  • Lyle

    Has anyone tried out the power cord/water hose combo yet?

    I have power in my garage but no water so I'm wondering if anyone here has used it and can tell me how well it worked.

    One more question; will the usage show up on my water bill or my electric bill?

  • Mad Mark

    I could rock the Bono Safety Goggles. Send me money & i'll feed the world!!!!

  • Cyril Figgis

    Oh man, this is the catalog of victory.

  • Sharon Hite Mulkey

    my husband and i both think this is a genius spoof – pee your pants funny.

    but the truth is … cheap imports ARE taking u.s. jobs.
    put a surcharge on everything from “out-of-the-country” to level the playing field and save this country before it’s too late. put america first before it’s too late.
    tick tock, tick tock….

  • I’m still ROTFLMBO at “Moron Lamp… just $8.99!” 😀

  • KT Kelly

    I need a moron light…. Great gift for someone I know.

  • Harry Callahan

    One of my buddies actually works at HF headquarters…and writes the product descriptions for the catalogs. Yes, he knows he’s a schmuck.

    He basically uses “heavy duty”, “industrial strength” and “top quality” as filler words whenever possible.