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Hooniverse Classic Captions – The 1982 Stutz Bearcat Edition (I ♥ The ’80s)

Jim Brennan September 11, 2012 Hooniverse Classic Captions Contest 61 Comments

Welcome to the renewed Hooniverse Classic Captions. It has been a couple of months weeks since I restarted the Classic Caption Posting, and I think our fans here on the Verse is enjoying this feature, so let’s review the premise; I search for images that were used by the car companies in their print advertising or brochures, and it is your job to provide a humorous, snarky, or thought provoking caption that is some how tied in with the image. The creativity of the participants have been great, so why not become part of it, and submit your own caption this week.

Last week, we had an image of a Honeymoon Suite on Wheels, and I have to admire the creativity of the comments, without resorting to lame internet memes. One of the entries was from our own Charles_Barrett, who seems to always put a retro spin on his captions: “June tried without much success to mask her disappointment when Ward carried her across the threshold of their new split-level domicile…” Very Funny, and ties in nicely with the period.

But it was SSurfer321 who came up with the winning caption: ”If the trucks a’ rockin, you neglected to engage the auto-leveling supports.” Congratulations SSurfer321 on a great caption!

It’s now time to take a look at this weeks illustration. In keeping with the I ♥ The ’80s theme this week, this is an publicity image for the 1982 Stutz Bearcat Convertible, featuring a Smoking Young Woman, and what looks to be her Chauffeur. The image uses Manhattan as a backdrop because Stutz had their headquarters within the city. So what is the story between the woman and her Chauffeur? Why does she need a driver anyway? And is this really the way to sell a Stutz? (You can click here to see the full size image)

You have the next five days to come up with a great caption. The editors will deliberate entries, and after smoking a pack or two, we will proclaim a winner. So, live like you’re back in the 80s, and get to work!

Lead Image Credit: Alden Jewel’s Flickr Photostream

  • Devin

    They wanted to get an actual bear and cat, but budget problems meant they had to settle for a "bear" and a woman in a catsuit.

  • smalleyxb122

    Plausible Deniability. If you really want a Stutz Bearcat, be sure to hire a driver. That way bystanders might just assume that it is he who has the sophisticated lack of taste.

  • Mr. Majest-ick.

  • salguod

    I have Clyde drive me across the bridge for a smoke so I don't foul the crisp, clear air of Manhattan.

  • A timeless classic that continues to age well. I really love the Brooklyn bridge.

    • Devin

      Well at least one thing in that picture has aged well.

      • skitter

        *counts on fingers*
        Well, maybe two – No, wait, smoker…

    • Buy the bridge and I'll throw in the car.

      • Shut up and take my money.

      • FuzzyPlushroom

        Throw it into the East River, I hope?

        • Not fair to the fish. I assume they see it rather clearly with their three eyes.

  • $kaycog

    I feel like such a klutz, sitting behind the wheel of her Stutz. Even though she's completely nuts, driving this Stutz really takes guts.

  • How do you battle the coming Red Menace? Why, have your chauffeur take you for a ride in your Stutz Bearcat!

  • Craig Fitzgerald

    I always remember the Stutz IV-Porte that Michael Keaton bought in "Night Shift," with the license plate "IM COOL"

  • Hooniverse speak with forked tongue. The proper name for this tarted up Gran Prix is Blackhawk.

    <img src="http://lygsbtd.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/crying_indian.jpg"&gt;

    • The revived Stutz nomenclature is a little weird, but the Blackhawk is the coupe. This one is a Bearcat.

      • Thanks for setting me straight, although it's a bit disconcerting that you would know that.

        • I'm not proud of it myself.

          …No, what's worse, I am proud of it.

          • Vairship

            You own one, don't you? I always knew those KV Minis were just a smoke screen!

            • No, I'm not hiding anything and certainly wouldn't hold back a Stutz. All of my vehicles (for now…) are listed in the personal description found by mousing over my IntenseDebate icon.

  • danleym

    I only smoke after sex. But seeing how hard I got screwed when I bought this Stutz, I figured now was a good time to smoke, too.

  • tempesjo

    They're sitting in a Stutz Bear Cat, Mr. Brennan. You know, those were different times. The rich bought $100 grand B Bodies. But the hoons, they rolled their eyes. Sweet Jesus.

    I'll tell you something about that ad. Now Jack, he is a pilot. And Jane, she's a jerk. Both of them fools with money. And when they drive home from work, smoking cigs in the Bearcat, the radio does play some crappy music there, Jim. Some Air Supply and Juice Newton. All you protesting hoons, I can hear you say, "Sweet Jesus."

  • Number_Six

    As we learned this year in Tootsie, cross-dressing in 1982 New York is perfectly alright, so go ahead and treat yourself to a cross-dresser of another kind. Stutz – nobody really needs to know what's under that frock.

  • skitter

    'This car will make you look good,' she purred, 'by comparison…'
    Henri, his confidence brimming, dimly wondered who he could start looking down on.

  • Irishzombieman

    Since prizes are no longer offered, I feel compelled to congratulate the previous week's winner and I encourage others to do the same ($kaycog, I'm talking to you). Maybe stick to a single thread.

    SSurfer! That was hilarious! A beer for you, amigo!

    <img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_H4IFXtiiNV8/THV9YYokIfI/AAAAAAAAAFw/CCdFkg58IY4/s1600/arrogant.jpg&quot; width="300/">

    • Thanks for the Stone. The Oak Aged Arrogant Bastard is great.

      And I'd like to thank the voters!

      • $kaycog

        Congrats, Mr. SSurfer321, on being last week's winner! For your prize, I give you the same pickup with camper, along with three girls.

        <img src="http://farm8.static.flickr.com/7022/6655751417_e9b85d2706.jpg"width="500"/&gt;

        • Devin

          Oooh, out of focus girls, my favorite.

          • $kaycog

            Hahaha! I guess they didn't want to distract from the pickup.

          • chrystlubitshi

            so, you, uh… like it when their boundaries are a little blurry? hehehehe…

        • Thanks Miss $kaycog. Any advice for explaining the three lovely ladies to the Mrs.? 😀

          • $kaycog

            You're on your own there, friend. 😉

    • $kaycog

      Done! And it's SFW.

      • Irishzombieman


  • This is the LAST TIME I let the chauffeur pick out the car!
    He traded the Rolls for THIS?!?

  • Irishzombieman

    "Now, Jeeves, put this thing in reverse and stomp on the gas pedal."

  • Madam, I know that Evel Knievel owns one of these fine automobiles, but sorry, I will not jump it over the East River for your amusement.

  • Sjalabais

    Afraid of driving in New York? You could either hire a chauffeur or buy a car nobody would want to crash into.

    SAFETY WEEK at Stutz: Buy a Bearcat & get a chauffeur.

  • calculatedrisk

    After a ride in his boss's Stutz Bearcat, she immediately letting that that klutz in her bear trap

  • calculatedrisk

    *After a ride in his boss's Stutz Bearcat, she immediately regretted letting that that klutz in her bear trap

  • Irishzombieman

    Arthur hated his name and had hated his father for giving it to him since he was 12. But the lady he worked for was very nice and really understanding and never made a joke about it.

    Until she bought this car. The saucy, sarcastic smirk every time she looked him in the eye and said, "Mr. Deco, the car please," made Art cringe inwardly, and consider changing his last name was Smith.

  • AJHW

    "Why this car, Hopkins? In thirty years it will be a retro-collectible. Also, I must have something even less tasteful than my ex-husband's Chrysler Executive."

  • When they told me "with great mustache comes great responsibility" this was not what I had in mind.

  • Charles_Barrett

    "After defecting from the USSR before the close of the Cold War, fashion model icon Ivana Petrovski had trouble adjusting to the West and her nouveau bourgeois wealth… first she gets talked into buying a two-door Stutz with a grab-ass chauffeur, then she gets bad directions to the Hamptons and ends up in Brooklyn on a pier. She finally fired that no-good financial adviser after he served her Beluga Caviar from a pull-top can…!"

  • nate

    Modern Brooklyn hipster or coke fueled 80's styling avoirdupois? The skyline is your only clue.

  • Devin

    "Regret", by Calvin Klein.

  • scroggzilla

    "You know, dahling, this is the third joint I've smoked today. I've also done a hit of blotter acid, and a 1/2 gram of coke. And you know what? This Stutz is still unspeakably hideous"

  • I prefer the original soundtrack.

    [youtube 8MrerM_vgA8 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MrerM_vgA8 youtube]


    Introducing the Stutz Bearcat for 1982.

    You'll probably want to tint the windows, or she won't get in.

  • "I've had the Bearcat brought 'round for our weekend at Bernie's."

  • UDman

    I get the first image, but I have no idea about the second one. Bear cat? Bear cat? Bear Cat… nope, I don't understand…

    • Charles_Barrett

      Those two gents are certainly "bears" in the gay vernacular of muscular hairy men of a certain [30+] age. They might even be "bare[back] bears" if they forgo condoms. Most appealing would be the ginger bear in the front, IMHO…

      • Charles_Barrett

        Randy says "Hi!" back at ya…! He's up in Las Vegas looking after his Dad following open heart surgery, but gotta love Skype for keeping folks in touch…!

  • njhoon

    Jamie Conway finally catches up to Amanda then realizes that he is better off without her.

  • flr1975

    After the heat died down, Paul Kersey returned to New York with a new job, a new woman, and a new Wish.

  • Van_Sarockin

    Dolores needed a moment to think. She decided that she'd be able to get through the impending ban on smoking bars. The car would probably make it all the way into the post-ironic hipster era that was bound to arrive eventually. You'd look like a pimp at the Mudd Club, blend right in with the Town Cars at Lincoln Center, and have enough bling to bring down some serious Wall Street coke. But not running down those obnoxious children on the boardwalk was going to be a hard one.

  • sj027

    Wow. Don't post anything gay related on the Hooniverse. My comment mysteriously disappeared for sticking up for Polar and pointing out the double standard of 'offensiveness'. Shirtless men=not allowed. Women in bikinis=welcome. Noted. I thought this place was for people who were a little more open minded than your mainstream car guy, but guess not. Disappointed with Hooniverse for the first time since I started following a year ago.

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