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The WTF Files: The Lack of Ferrari Parking Etiquette and General Grievance

Bradley Brownell July 16, 2012 All Things Hoon 46 Comments

[Note: I edited Bradly’s original title of this article from “The WTF: Learn How To Park Edition” to the above in order to  better reflect the writer’s mood. Chill bro… -KK]

This might not be a popular opinion, but I will contend that Ferrari has not produced a visually appealing road car since the F40. Now, I may be a Porsche fanboi, but that has nothing to do with my lack of Tifosi passion. I have never really been a Ferrari guy. I can appreciate what the cars can accomplish, yet fail to understand the desirability. Being a Porsche guy, I am familiar with the owner demographic…it usually encompasses the word “Douchebag”. There is only one owner set that is douchey enough to surpass Porsche, HUMMER, and Harley Davidson all at once; the owners of little red Maranello-built shitboxes. [Warning: Rant ahead, click through at your own risk]

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the company itself. I’m an avid Ferrari F1 fan, and cheer for Mr. Alonso incessantly (they could stand to get rid of the Massa kid, though). The F40 I mentioned earlier? I’d probably rather have one of those than almost anything else in the world. The 250 GTO is the most beautifully designed thing on four wheels…period! That said, the Ferrari of late is a bit lacking for my attention. The FF is an abomination. The F12 and California can be described as nothing other than utterly forgettable. The now-dead 599 is a visual assault of flying buttresses and thick-chick hips. The 458 is the one that probably approaches attractive, but it’s edgy design and incongruous curves turn me off.

None of this even mentions the fact that the cars are overpriced, and offer less bang-for-the-buck than a dollar store cap gun. Going back to my Porsche fanboyism, I’ll mention that the new 991 Carrera S (MSRP under 100K) is faster around the short course of the Hockenheimring than Ferrari’s Italia (MSRP north of 230K). Granted, on tracks with longer straights, the 911 loses out to the Ferrari due to a horsepower deficiency, but the margin remains incredibly close for a car costing less than half.

Now that my own personal Ferrari beefs have been aired, lets focus on this douche-stick owner in his SUPER COOL 348. This early 90s targa-topped catastrophy of side strakes and flip up headlights cost the original owner somewhere above a hundred grand, way back in 1991. Now, the car can be had for a pittance, as they pop up on ebay from time to time, and sell for less than your average luxury SUV. I don’t see Lexus LX owners parking their behemoths diagonally, taking two spaces in an otherwise empty parking lot like this asshat has.

Regardless of be-afro’d Jeremy Clarkson’s use of Tina Turner to pitifully explain that Ferraris are awesome because they are Ferraris, I would rather a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, than be stuck with a 348. In fact, I wouldn’t touch one with a ten foot pole. (I don’t even own a ten foot pole, but I would go out and buy one, just so I could not touch a Ferrari 348 with it.)

I’ll bet the owner was standing at the door of the Best Buy getting smug satisfaction from the sight of me using my smartphone to photograph his pride and joy. I hope he is reading.

[Photo: Bradley C. Brownell]

  • HighFrequencyHater

    I hope the owner comes back to find rusty honda civic flanking that car on both sides. That's honestly the only way to fight this dbaggery.

    In the spirit of full disclosure: I park my 911 4s across the line on the very last spot of the island (ie so it doesn't take up more than 1 spot), only because paintless dent repair isn't cheap.

  • M44Power

    What is the marque with the highest percentage of douchebaggery? I'd say that, of the supercars, Lamborghini is a bit higher than Ferrari. Porsche over BMW (maybe). Ducati equal to HD, yet both are over Triumph.

  • themagicboltbox

    While I appreciate a good rant, I doubt that anyone – even a Porsche owner – would rather a poke in the eye than a Ferrari, even a "crappy" Ferrari. The worst Ferrari is 10x cooler/faster/exotic than 99% of the cars I see on a daily basis.

    • FЯeeMan

      Just curious, what is the 1% car that you see on a daily basis that is more than 10% as cool as the worst Ferrari?

      Sorry, my mother was an English major, she made me do it. I'll show myself out now. If you need me, I'll be in that field from a couple of days ago, picking some other nits.

      • themagicboltbox

        Good question, actually – I guess I was being as hyperbolic as the author. I do work with a guy who daily drives a '37 DeSoto, which is pretty cool.

        • BradleyBrownell

          No hyperbole here, I would much prefer to be the recipient of a sharp stick in the eye than any 348.

  • I often wish that I had the cojones to park people like this in. Alas, I prefer to subscribe to the "do onto others" mantra, so I chicken out, and say mean things about them on the internets.

  • Number_Six

    That's probably just where it broke down.

    • The Professor

      But why isn't it on fire?

      • Number_Six

        348s broke a lot but tended not to self-immolate.

        • The Professor

          Boooo!

          • Number_Six

            "A woman is only a woman, but a good Ferrari fire is a smoke."

            ~ Rudyard Kipling

            • Number_Six

              Oh noes! I got a thumb-down. I know it was a shit comment but if you're a Ferrari fanboi, at least have the decency to declare yourself.

              • The Professor

                I gave ya it back. You make far worse puns than that on a regular basis over on Atomic Toasters, which the Feroni fanboi would know if he read our site….

                • Number_Six

                  You're the best, I don't care what all the others say.

  • TomSlick

    There needs to be a ranking of 'douchiest car owners'. I submit:
    1. Lambo
    2. Ferrari
    3. Hummer
    4. Spyker/Konigsegg/'My car is one of 200'
    5. Viper
    6. Porsche
    7. BMW
    8. Corvette
    9. Merc
    10. ???

    • Xedicon

      You have the Vette on the wrong list… It should be on the "Owners with the highest rate of ED" list.

    • Devin

      See number 1 has to be the extremely lifted pickup. Not like a slightly lifted pickup, but those ones that are impractically tall and will never go offroad because the owner covered them in chrome and expensive body doodads that don't do anything. Often loud, often badly maintained mechanically, often park across four spaces because they're freaking huge and the owner has the intelligence of a wet carpet so he can't park it.

      As one may have ascertained, I live in an area with a lot of the damn things.

      • I concur. When one of these Burb Trucks shows up here in the sticks, where people actually use trucks as trucks, they stick out like a sore thumb. Caricatures of real trucks.

      • hwyengr

        Lifted pickup owners also have a keen sense of delicate wit. Like the lifted truck I saw with the tailgate sticker, "Lift your trucks. Fat chicks can't jump."

        Naturally it had Nevada's Las Vegas commemorative license places.

        • Devin

          Ironic, since most lifted truck owners I know aren't exactly svelte.

        • I so want to get that for my truck. 2" leveling kit and 33" tires so moderately lifted. Now the Mrs. drives it (shorter commute = less gas $) and she is totally on board with the idea.

          were both of/below avg. weight/height

          • thebloody323

            I have a 2" and 32's on my Discovery and it is awesome, I like to take it wheeling on the weekends and the stock Disco's height is just to low for my liking. Although I do want to put portal axles on it at some point :).

      • Kogashiwa

        To double the effect add the 2000bhp* diseasel with the sewer drain exhaust and no muffling of any kind. Then rip around residential areas at midnight. And idle it incessantly, because, you know, diesel.

        *bragging horsepower

      • JayP2112

        Ok- driving home thru Arkansas on I30 or I40 (can't recall… it's BFE anyway), we got notices that construction would delay traffic and to see alternate routes. Not knowing Arkansas I took my chances.

        Traffic gets backed up and filling in the left lane. I stay right looking for a place to dive in, not wanting to be "that" dbag. I get further and see a big F150 with BIGGUY1 plates about to pull out of the left lane.

        But he parks it across the centerline with his hazards on. I get behind and he steers further left to keep me from passing. Flashes some strobes for a sec- maybe to scare me? I hang on thinking I don't want to get BigGuy1 all riled up. I'm in the big green Mustang and this is the only one is the state apparently. This goes on for 10 or 15 minutes. Rigs behind are honking at this guy blocking me.

        Traffic gets moving about 45mph but he is still riding that center lane. He moved to the left about 15 car lengths ahead but tried to hold me off again- but I'm moving about 60 now. I guess I looked like the crazy hillbilly at that point.

        Get further down- we were about 4 miles from the sign that said 2 miles to merge. The a rig slowed in the right lane to regulate traffic. I trust truckers way more than these ding dongs with lifted F150s.

        It wasn't even a diesel either.

      • RealDonn

        Some j-wad in Dallas ran over a woman in a parking lot. Truck was lifted so high he never saw her.

  • HTWHLS

    This was the best thing I read all week! I agree completed. The "Greg Brady" version of Clarkson is absolutely hysterical!!!

    I saw a Ferrari "something" this morning on the way in. Convertible, black 2 seater with the fattest rear end of any car I saw and a hideous quarter panel that looked like someone grafted on the front fender of a '53 Roadmaster. By comparison, the Ford Focus I test drove this weekend made that Ferrari look like "*hit on a Shingle" (SOS)…probably tasted the same, as well.

    Except for the Daytona, Ferraris have never done a thing for me.

  • Xedicon

    Don't agree in the least about no more pretty Ferrari's after the F40. Also if you want to start waging the "Cost vs Performance" war all I have to say is GT-R. Done. Fanboys of many camps just have to suck up the fact that a GT-R is brutally fast damn near anywhere and shows the taillights to damn near anything under 7 figures.

    As for the parking, the guy's an ass. How is this news? Why so upset? Who cares jeez move on.

    • Number_Six

      You come here for news? That's like moving to Somalia because your neighbourhood has gotten a little shabby.

      • Xedicon

        But… but… Somalia is so NICE this time of year!

  • Devin

    When it comes to aesthetics, I've got to admit that I can't take a Porsche fanboy seriously, since they haven't designed an attractive body since 1977.

    • MVEilenstein

      That's because they haven't designed anything since 1977.

    • BradleyBrownell

      Clearly your statement is…less than educated.

      Porsche didn't produce any new designs in 1977, so I don't understand your argument.

      I'll admit, the 74-89 impact bumper cars were not exactly pretty, however, the widebody 930 has a place in pretty car history, and I am in the "slant nose cars are awesome" camp.

      I may have a skewed version of reality, because I own one, but I find the 944 attractive, especially early cars with euro bumpers.

      The later 928 GTS' were gorgeous, and 968s were spectacular. The 993 Turbo is one of the best designs of all time. I'll admit, the 996 isn't a particularly pretty car, but they rectified that with the 997. The 991 is simply an extension of that.

      959, anyone?

      (Sorry, I've let my fanboy out. Back in control again…)

      • Devin

        My incredibly brief and half-assed research – I looked at one date on a wikipedia page, take that – indicates that the 928 started production in 1977, and that's the last good looking Porsche. Everything after that is either just a development of an older design or a blobby mess. The worst contender is the 911, which went from just being an old body to an old body that seems to have melted in the sun.

        (I'm not a Porsche guy)

        • BradleyBrownell

          928 was a 78 model, so I guess that's why I didn't understand your reference. Besides, the 928 wasn't a pretty car until the early 90s. The GTS is the only one worth staring at longingly.

  • MVEilenstein
  • dolo54

    I haven't parked like this myself, but I can understand. I went into the bank for 5 minutes one time to come out to a nice golf ball size new ding in my car most likely some child getting in to their parent's SUV. I wish I had parked like this that day.

  • randomusername

    Time to get out the blowtorch.. "Police reported three dozen cheerful bystanders, yet no one claims to have seen who did it."
    <img src="http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/parking.png&quot; width="600" img>
    Image from xkcd.

  • MrHowser

    <img src="http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/duty_calls.png"&gt;

    I was going to write a retort to Bradley, as I break my neck at the sight of any Ferrari, and I try not to hold an enthusiast's enthusiasm against them when it's not the same flavor as mine.

    However, it was just getting my blood pressure up. So, I'm going to go do something productive instead. Good on ya, Bradley.

  • I just wish my neighbors in my apartment building had the skills to park with normal cars.
    <img src="http://i48.tinypic.com/2zh07jr.jpg&quot; width="500">

  • BobWellington

    Oddly enough I've seen another Ferrari parked just like this at a Winn Dixie.