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Allow us to present the best Craigslist ad of all time…

Jeff Glucker April 25, 2012 For Sale, Hoon Hall of Fame 45 Comments

Craigslist is filled with good deals on cars, trucks, and a boat load of automotive parts. The problem is that a majority of the ads are clearly written by brain-damaged ocelots with a weak to poor grasp on standard grammar rules, sentence structure, and the concept of spelling. On top of that, the quality of the photography ranks below that of the pictures captured by your neighborhood peeping tom but above that of your average real estate agent who believes that tight shots of dirty cabinets are what will move the Johnson’s split-level townhouse.

Every now and then, however, there is an ad that stands above the rest. This ad shows that the seller possesses healthy brains cells, and a solid grasp of salesmanship. Such an ad has arrived in our inbox, and we’d be horrible people if we didn’t share it with you. Our facial hair would fall out, both men and women would reject our sexual advances (we’re equal opportunity here), and our driveways would be punished by playing host to an endless string of sub-compact cars from the early 90’s.

Since we don’t want that to happen, you need to click past the break to see the greatest Craigslist ad of all time.

[Source: Craigslist via Reddit]

  • Devin

    A Pontiac Grand Am tried to kill me once. I realize now that it was due to being too manly for headlights, or perhaps because I had yet to grow a beard at that point.

  • Scandinavian Flick

    I smell a LeMons theme…

    Costumes: Jesuses wearing tap shoes.

    • jeepjeff

      Just have to talk this guy down $200. And everyone has to grow the biggest most macho beard they can.

      • OA5599

        Unless you wear a more macho beard than the saucy minx, don't count on scoring any brownie points that way.

        <img src="http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20091017203954/uncyclopedia/images/b/b7/Bearded-Lady-Salma.jpg"&gt;

        • Scandinavian Flick

          Do not want!

          Her elbows are way too pointy.

        • jeepjeff

          I like to think I can hold my own, but Murilee is tough competition in the beard department. I was thinking more about the seller's insistence on wearing a macho beard to drive it. Also, Jesus costumes work a lot better if you've been hiding from razors/scissors/anything-that-might-damage-your-precious-chin-pubes for at least 6 months, if not a number of years (people start making Grizzly Adams jokes about me at around 4 months, but I don't feel it's truly deserved until at least 6).

          • Scandinavian Flick

            Ah, you must grow facial hair like I do… I have been growing a beard since my mountain biking accident 7 weeks ago, (can't shave my upper lip where I got 40-ish stitches) and I have already mowed it 3 times to keep it at a reasonably professional looking length…

            • Devin

              My patchy left side is incredibly jealous of everyone else.

            • jeepjeff

              Yep. That's pretty much how my face works. I've got a permanent 5 O'Clock Shadow, and I go through seasonal growing and shaving cycles. The only difference is I'm a Sysadmin at a company where no one is going to call me on a grooming policy. Which means I'm currently doing a slow transition to clean shaven. You missed the Hulihee I was sporting at Second Saturdays. I've done a little more carving since, but I expect to show up to May's edition with something reasonably ridiculous.

              (Also: potential scars on the upper lip? Ouch. That sucks. I hope it heals well, that area is difficult enough to begin with.)

              • Scandinavian Flick

                I can relate. When I was shaving regularly, it was a solid 60 grit by noon. Must be the Norwegian blood. Them Scandinavians have to keep warm somehow… Well, I'll definitely know who you are when I finally make it out there! I was hoping to get the brick running by then, but I'm having some issues getting it to do anything more than crank and backfire. Next time I get to work on it I'll be checking the timing manually. The Goat will make it though.

                Yeah, there's going to be some scarring. It was a seriously nasty set of gouges, but the on-call plastic surgeon did a really nice job of stitching me up. There is a small notch out of my mustache area though that will probably never grow hair again.

              • FuzzyPlushroom

                I have a reverse Hulihee, which is to say, a small goatee. (Yes, that was nearly two years ago, but I keep coming back to it.) I've pulled off the Unkempt Beard of Sorrow before, but it gets old… that said, if I simply leave it alone for more than a day, a Vellux blanket grows on most of my face/neck.

                Know what bothers me, though? I can't connect my moustache to my beard, no matter how long I leave it alone. This is the only reason I've never grown a biker-'stache.

                • Scandinavian Flick

                  It's interesting finally meeting or seeing pictures of someone you have "known" for a long time online. So often it's a case of "I didn't see that coming… but I totally should have."

                  The current one is a good look for you.

            • OA5599

              [youtube CoNbVped6wQ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoNbVped6wQ youtube]

              Interesting. I grew a beard to disguise a biking scar. The last time I was clean-shaven for more than two consecutive weeks, I was 17.

  • Hmm, Oatmeal-y.

    • I loved the Oatmeal originally…but I kinda get the feeling the dude's phoning it in most of the time these days. Something about the "once every 3 weeks" updates makes me disappointed/jealous.

      After I saw this: http://unfunnythings.tumblr.com/post/1312737586/t

      It sort of downgraded from "OMG so funny" to a reluctant chuckle.

      • Agreed. It was at the tops when it was every day, pow pow pow. Now, it is like what is Inman even doing with his time? Making stickers and posters, probably.

  • $kaycog

    That ad is definitely a masterpeice.

    • C³-Cool Cadillac Cat

      So much so, the instant I saw it on another site, redacted, I immediately went to the CL site and saved it as a jpeg.

      Sent it to a friend who was glad he has his own office at work, because he said he busted out laughing.

      As it was, I was on what turned out to be a 45 minute conference call, and because my phone has no mute, I had to, more than once, hold the receiver away from my head, with my hand tightly over the mouthpiece.

      Let me put it this way, I'm glad tears are not audible…

  • bobulated

    I applaud such an epic level of turd-shining; well played sir, well played.

  • FuzzyPlushroom

    Y'know, maybe I will try selling the remains of my 745T.

  • Age_of_Aerostar

    Even the hyphens in the phone number are little Grand Am's!

    (As a young (very young) kid, when someone spoke "Grand Am" I heard "Grand Dam", and I was nervous to say it because I thought it might be a swear word.)

    • omg_grip

      I got scolded for saying Grand Prix. Probably because I was pronouncing it "Grand Pricks".

  • Age_of_Aerostar

    Wait, I just realized a potential flaw with this ad…… he's catering to only 1/2 the population. Would there be no women interested in purchasing this teal Grand Am?

    • As an offering to her beard-wearing testosterone-filled polar-bear knocking manly-man, yes.

      Immediately followed by the sound of her chain-mail cocktail dress hitting the floor.

      • Age_of_Aerostar

        Ahhhhh, I knew I was missing the angle!

        good show!

  • Oh dagger it's been flagged!

  • I had a boss who drove one of these, and loved it. Then he had me move it for him (we needed to clear a spot at the loading docks for some equipment he was shuffling around) and I discovered that the floorboards were so rotten, that the driver's seat was only attached to the car by the rear mounting bolts.

    I guess that's a sign of manliness? Maybe?

  • Marcal

    This WOULD come from a guy in my town. It's probably got bodily fluids and crack in the back seat.

  • "brain-damaged ocelot"?! I believe you mean "fox-eared asshole"!

    <img src="https://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyttkoYHAM1qg6kwyo1_500.png"&gt;

    • Devin

      He remembers me!

    • FuzzyPlushroom

      Probably not such a good travel companion.

      On the bright side, you can be happy if you've a mind to.

  • Marcal

    Honestly, I probably wouldn't mind driving one of these too much, with a 5-speed. I really liked the 2-door when I was a kid. All the right proportions.

  • tiberiusẅisë

    It has tires AND doors? Shut up and take my money!

  • Van_Sarockin

    Lemme get this right. $700 for a teal Grand Am with a blown head gasket? If he gets his price, he is an advertising genius. Or PT Barnum is still right.

  • Come to think of it, a '95 Grand Am in need of a headgasket would be better than my last 4 romantic encounters combined.

  • 80SICON

    Wow. The pictures above are disturbing. The ad made me laugh though. Although, I did catch a misspelled word in the first paragraph. Loosely coupled metal. That is pretty good.

  • Joe Webb

    This ad is geniusness in written form. If only he had one just like it in puce.

  • craigsu

    So he can correctly spell "aneurysm" but can't spell "emanates", "piece", or "masterpiece". Looks like a normal CL ad to me, and not a very funny one at that.


    If the spelling errors weren't there, I'd say this is a genuine piece of internet gold..sure to become a legend, as much as "Ryan's Steakhouse incident" and "Bob the Anal Fissure"