Hooniverse Classic Captions – The 1972 Plymouth Cricket Edition
It’s the Monday before Thanksgiving, so it must be time for another Hooniverse Classic Captions Contest. This is the 
feature in which I find images from all around the internet that was used by the car companies themselves in their advertising or brochures. It is then up to you to provide an interesting, humorous, or snarky caption that matches the image. Just to entice you to come and join our little game, I am now offering prizes for the best caption, and this week it is a Tan Mack Baseball Cap, which should impress your friends… or not.
Last weeks image was of a car bench seat set inside a dwelling, and you guys made it very hard to decide the winner this time around. There were four excellent captions that were in the running, so let’s review each one starting with this gem from friend of Hooniverse scroggzilla: “That’s the last time I buy furniture in West Virginia.” This one made me laugh.
Newcomer I. Borgward (You should really set up an Intense Debate account so we can all follow your musings) took a similar route with this comment: “Eloise sighed, “better the parlor than the front porch… I guess.” Living with a hoon demands compromise.” Very good, and I expect to hear more from you.
The last two dealt with a theatrical theme, with this very dramatic setting from our good friend mdharrell:
“Behold, for I am Kali, the Black One, She Who Destroys, resplendent in my necklace of skulls! I enter unto my room of twinned thrones to await my companion, Shiva, and the dissolution of things!”
Opening night reviews ranged from “tawdry” to “painfully insulting” but all were in agreement that it would be best to close the production at once. Few were favorably impressed by the fact that the above quote was the entire script, with Kali subsequently remaining silent and motionless in the doorway throughout the three-hour solo performance. Some audience members reportedly did not return after the second intermission.
Chrysler immediately withdrew support and shelved its plans for further product placement within experimental theater. The seats remain in a private collection (viewable upon request) near Theatre Row.
But the winner of the Black Volvo Cap, and this weeks Classic Caption Contest was HycoSpeed, who added a SciFi twist to his caption:
‘Grete had begun to feel more and more repulsed by what I had become, and each time she climbed the narrow stairwell and slowly edged the door open I feared it would be the last. I struggled mightily to explain to her, to let her know, something, anything. But alas I seemed to always fail in my efforts to manipulate this new form…’
-Excerpt from Franz Karfka’s ‘The Metamorphoseats’
Your Prize Awaits
Bravo HycoSpeed. Send me an e-mail so I know where to send your prize.
It’s now time to take a look at this weeks illustration. It is an advertising image for the 1972 Plymouth Cricket. It features a family of, well, plus sized individuals. The Cricket was a Chrysler captive import from Hillman of Great Britain, and one has to wonder what the point of this ad really is. Only you can come up with the answer, and try to keep is suitable for the workplace. (You can click here to see the full size image)
You have the next five days to come up with a great caption. The editors will then pour over all the entries while at the Thanksgiving feast, and when we have had our fill of food and drink, we will award one of you lucky people with a Mack Baseball Cap. So don’t over-stuff yourselves.
Related posts:
- Hooniverse Classic Captions – The 1970 Plymouth Valiant Edition
- Hooniverse Classic Captions – The 1972 Ford Gran Torino Edition
- Hooniverse Classic Captions – The 1971 Ford Pinto Runabout Edition
- Hooniverse Classic Captions – 1975 Chevrolet Nova LN Edition
- Hooniverse Classic Captions – The 1958 DeSoto Fireflite Edition
Some cars are mid-size. Some are full-size. The Cricket is America-sized.
And yes, Mister Smarty-Pants, there's a heavy-duty suspension option.
Check out the new Cricket – the small car for the large family – even Diebeetiz Cat fits! Even your wallet won't have to go on a diet.
I always wanted a bagged Cricket, but don't have a mechanical bone in my body! Chocolate pork chop milkshakes for everyone!
The family of Jeff Cohen, (of Goonies' "Truffle Shuffle" fame) wanted to get a car whose handling characteristics resembled that which made him famous.
The world's first pregnant man drives the world's first 1972 Plymouth Cricket.
Plymouth welcomes you to the future, with reasonably sized passenger cars and multigenerational obesity.
Dad to salesman: "Very funny smartass! Now where's the new Fury I ordered?!?"
While the Road Runner had the iconic "Beep Beep" horn, Plymouth insisted this Cricket's chirping suspension was due to overloading, not novelty.
Have your cake and eat it too! Take advantage of the economic benefits of owning a compact car, while enjoying the handling characteristics of a vehicle with a perfect 50/50 weight distribution.*
*Results not typical unless this is your family and the front seats are moved all the way back. Exceeding cargo limits affects performance and will void your warranty. Before purchasing, consult with your salesperson to see if the Cricket is the right car for you.
Knock $300 off the price or I send Junior to sit on the hood of the red one over there.
"So, what do you think of my advertising campaign for the Plymouth Piglet?"
"Sorry, but after some discussion with the dealers we decided to change the name. We'll pay you for the photo, though."
"You SEE?" cried little Jenny Tubberson, smugly. "I TOLD you that Hogwart's isn't a rib joint!"
Chrysler boss Sergio Marchionne made sure his managers studied past failures in bringing European cars into North America before signing off on importing the Fiat 500. One of those failures, of course, was the Plymouth Cricket.
The Americans never suspected the car was simply fattening them up before the slaughter.
Don't get in that car! The rest of the book in the glove compartment, The Service Manual, it's… it's a cookbook!
Unfortunately a deal was never struck between Plymouth and Disney for branding of the new Plymouth "Jiminy" Cricket, ready to take to and your whole family to the Happiest Place on Earth. Instead, most family buyers like those pictured above went to their local "happiest place on earth", Olive Garden for never ending pasta bowl night.
The Plymouth Cricket, transporting the Dursley's since 1972.
/My daughter has every Harry Potter movie and has pretty much had them (and the books) on continuous loop since the last one came to the theaters.
We here at Plymouth are tired of only truck advertisements showing off GVWR. Who said only trucks can be used for hauling large loads? So here we go- the Plymouth Cricket. And standing next to it, a family that will take us right up to it's GVWR!
It was at this photo shoot that young Susan Docherty, a marketing intern with Plymouth, coined the term "model bloat". She gave up trying to correct the misunderstanding years ago.
Doesn't 1972 mark the beginning of the Mayonnaise Era for US models?
Yes, which makes this lean and reasonably economical ride a miracle whip.
You sir owe me a new keyboard….
Interestingly, the Cricket was a rebadged Hellmann's Avenger that was available in the UK.
The Cricket was Chrysler's attempt to ketchup with the Japanese makes, but it never could cut the mustard.
Buyers didn't exactly relish the opportunity to get themselves this well seasoned compact, did they?
You should all stop with this schmear campaign
Apparently, it was good for your spreading family.
I agree. By the time the Cricket was in production, Toyota Coronaries were already clogging up the arterials and freeways across the US.
Oh, God! They're gonna eat that poor defenseless car!!
Does this car make us look fat?
Comes with a human-sized shoehorn as standard equipment so we all fit!
Plymouth Cricket: Harry's in the trunk.
Not a caption…
My family had a Cricket in the late '70s. It was as malaise as they get, just with a british accent.
Ours was turd brown with IIRC beige seats. It was automatic. It broke down constantly. When it would stall out, only my father could get it to restart. He left work many days to come rescue my mother and us kids.
And no. That's not my family in the pics. We could never sustain that kind of body weight with all the money we were blowing on Plymouth parts…
My father, the Francophile couldn't keep it running as well as he could keep running his Renault 4CV that shared the driveway – despite the french car's 20+(?) additional age and a complete lack of parts support in the US.
To this day, my father curses that car. Every time something breaks on his modern-ish Nissan Altima, he just smiles and says "At least it's not a Cricket."
I remember riding home from a doctor's visit one day and both my sister and I puked out the back windows all over the back doors. Nobody even bothered to clean it off. Next time it rained and washed the puke off, the paint was dull and faded in a shape of… well, puke running down a car door.
I'm pretty sure my parents bought it new. Maybe it was used just a year or two old. But it went from them straight to the scrapyard within 6 years of being sold new – without being wrecked or even having a major mechanical failure… I guess the whole car was a major mechanical failure…
It's only the whitewalls that give the game away that that's a US car; so, my caption would be the Dad saying, (and administered with a broad Northern English Accent, if you can imagine what that sounds like):
"Aye… Where did our son learn to fart like that? He farts like a man. Makes me right proud."
You still rockin' the orange sweater vest?
Hey; I resemble that accusation! And anyway, I got rid of it ages ago. Ended up with one egg and cress sandwich stain too many.
Jiminy Cricket once said……"When you wish upon a star," that Bigg family still ain't going to fit.
The Cricket would be soon discontinued once the GVRW was determined to be too far under a typical load.
Fred the baker finally was able to quit the hell hole that was "Making The Doughnuts" and pack the family up for that long awaited great american road trip.
[youtube gwfrBbNo5Jg http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwfrBbNo5Jg youtube]
Plymouth Cricket, The First for the Wide Small Car
reworded AMC Pacer copy yes I,am old enough to remember Pacer TV adds
Praise be to Murilee:
http://www.motorauthority.com/news/1065705_guilty…
Okay, so the car itself's not much, but the enthusiasts' group has the most compelling history I've ever read:
"Initially formed in 1843, Plymouth Cricket Club played on fields on The Hoe until moving to South Devon Place (now Astor Playing Fields) in 1863. The club folded in 1905 until being 're-formed' in 1919 (playing away games only) before moving to Beacon Down in 1922 and Peverell Park in 1924. The club has entertained some of the major County teams over the years as well as hosting many Devon matches. Unfortunately most of the Club records were lost when the pavilion was burnt down in 1922 and also during World War II when a bomb caused a fire in the Guildhall where they had been stored for safekeeping."
http://www.plymouthcricketclub.com/staticpages/in…
I'd consider joining on the basis of that story alone, provided they have a decent newsletter and don't require model ownership.
I'm pretty sure I heard someone say something about pork chops.
"Step right up Folks! I'll demonstrate how to stuff a Cricket with lard! WITHOUT using a shoehorn!!"
"The 1972 Plymouth Cricket, built to take the whole family, without becoming a Crackit!"
The Cricket was a quick move by Chrysler, after visitors to the showroom started snacking on the full sized Grasshopper sedans.
"Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo
I’ve got a perfect puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-dee
If you are wise you’ll listen to me.
What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?
Eating as much as an elephant eats
What are you at getting terribly fat?
What do you think will come of that?
I don't like the look of it!
Oompa Loompa do-ba-dee-da
Given good manners and a Cricket for a car
It becomes quite clear that you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the oompa loompa do-ba-dee-doo.
Do-ba-dee-doo"
Due to the failure of the Augustus Gloop/Cricket ad, the Plymouth and Willy Wonka tie-in campaign was canceled early. And so the likes of Mr. Beauregarde exclaiming, "Violet, you're turning Plum Crazy Purple!" and Veruca Salt yelling, "Daddy I don't want any old car, I want a Duster!" never saw the light of day.
<img src="http://www.retromodo.com/images/wonkabar/logo.jpg" width="400">
Also, thanks Jim! I am very excited to be amongst such esteemed company! And my email shall be forthcoming.
Your daughter's a wiccan, your son mutilates small animals. You're married to your own doppelganger, you haven't seen your penis in six years, and you just bought a car made by the Rootes Group.
That's why we made the Remington 870 Wingmaster: because there are just some things you can't drink your way through.
Snort! Slugs or double 0 ?
Plymouth introduces a rebadged Hillman for hill-sized men (and women).
The Plymouth Cricket: the preferred conveyance of Golden Corral All You Can Eat Buffet.
Introducing the 1972 Plymouth Cricket Superpesante
Boy, the Addams Family has really let themselves go.
The Plymouth Cricket, the solution for narrow drive-thru lanes.
It's 1972…!
We don't yet know what Low-Density or High-Density Lipoproteins are…
We have no easy way to measure our blood-glucose level…
"Omega-3" sounds like a planet on Star Trek
But we do know
Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun
and the location of the nearest McDonald's drive-thru window…
A rare publicity still from Kevin James' ill-fated cop show, Life On Mars Bars.
<img src="http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm201/LOLWORLD/clapping.gif" />
Dad got this because the police were always pulling him over and asking what he had in the trunk. Now they know, it's just our asses.
The 1972 Plymouth Cricket: One size fits most*
* now with lifetime limited warranty (dont worry we will outlast Dodge)
Cricket: we bought ours because of the fifteen free streaks in the trunk!
A husband is standing in the parking lot of McDonald’s, with his wife, his daughter, and his son. He needs to get to Baskin-Robinns for dessert, which is half a block away, taking his wife, daughter and son with him.
However, the Plymouth Cricket is only large enough to carry the husband and one member of his family, so he will need to make several trips in order to get everybody to Baskin-Robinns. In addition, he cannot leave the son unattended with the wife, because the husband had just read Oedipus Rex and it totally freaked him out; and he cannot leave the mother and daughter alone, because there was a creepy guy in the parking lot who was eyeing them, and he may not have been wearing pants. The son and daughter will probably fight if they are left alone, but he doesn’t care because at least he won’t have to listen to it.
How can he get everybody to Baskin-Robinns?
The Cricket: Admit it, you deserve a car as average-looking as you.
<img src="http://farm7.staticflickr.com/6057/6385115641_2925d49491_b.jpg" width="600">
"Fat Kid Love Cake", not a recipe you'll find in the latest issue of Cook's magazine. Maybe in the Betty Crocker Cookbook.
Joy Of Cooking, I believe.
And I won't subject you to the rap song, unless you'd like to hear it. Definitely an emotional piece.
The Cricket, my son can't wait to gobble it up and crap it out but I hate to tell him, Plymouth already did.
The '72 Cricket, the salesman said it was good for all Four Seasons and proof that my wife wouldn't cry if I bought it…..He lied.
America's future: Fat people driving shitty cars they don't want but can barely afford.