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Hooniverse Classic Captions – The 1987 Chevrolet Corvette Edition

Jim Brennan September 12, 2011 Hooniverse Classic Captions Contest 65 Comments

Welcome to another edition of the Hooniverse Classic Captions Contest. This will be the 11th week for this feature, and I hope you are enjoying it as much as we are here at Hooniverse Central. Let’s review the premise of this feature; I have found images from all over that are either advertising images or brochure illustrations from the car companies themselves. Your job, if you choose to accept it, is to provide a witty, snarky, or humorous caption that goes with the image provided. There are still a few holdouts, so come on and join the fun.

Last week, the Classic Caption Contest showed a Pickup Truck full of Cheerleaders, and the comments were fast, funny, and a bit racy. As per usual, there were a few that almost merited the NSFW label, but it was our own Tanshanomi who came through with this very true commentary: “Buy this truck. Why? Because we’re asking you to. And what will we do for you in return? Absolutely nothing. Sorry guys, but it works that way and we know it.”

Now, onto this weeks photograph. This is a Brochure Image for the 1987 Chevrolet Corvette Convertible, and it came from their Prestige Brochure at that. This is such a period image, with more than a few late 80s icons sprinkled throughout. Let’s see, I can spot a Handsome Cab Driver, with a Prince of a fellow from the Indian Subcontinent, A Homey D. Clown look-a-like, A Handsome Jack Wagner wannabe, two girls that are doing their best impersonation of Debbi GibsonTiffanyCyndi Lauper, a Doorman in a Tophat, Three Japanese Businessmen carrying around Cameras, A Successful Looking Professional Black Couple, and a Young Man with a Boom Box. Each and every one of these 80s cliches are touching the Corvette. Why are they touching a Corvette? Why is the young lady dressed in Aluminum Foil? Is the drver suffering from a Mid-Life Crisis? Only you can answer these questions, and many many more. (You can click on the image to enlarge it)

You have the next five days to come up with a great caption of this image. The editors will then gather around the flat screen to watch reruns of Melrose Place, just to get into the correct mood, at which time we will discuss how Heather Locklear never seems to age, and then simply decide at random who the winner is. So, start inspiring us with your best 80s captions, or you will be forced to watch every episode of Melrose Place.

Image Source: The Old Car Manual Project

  • nofrillls

    "No matter what you're friends look like, you'll look smashing in your new 1987 Corvette!"

    "Corvette–The new great white hope!"

    "Corvette Convertible–The tasteful new way to display your gold to the commoners!"

  • RogueInLA

    Parking your new Corvette on the street in New York. 5 minutes later all that's left is the body shell.

  • topdeadcentre

    Sophia didn't quite realize what replying "I'll try anything!" might mean when Bob said "Let's get a hotel suite and have a kinky weekend!"

  • The 1987 Corvette: Get You Some Strange

  • BGW

    Prior to the GM Bankruptcy, managerial staff meetings at Bowling Green were a lot less formal.

  • effe

    I vote for topdeadcenter's! I am still laughing.

  • Devin

    Look everyone, a crease in the universe!

  • RichardKopf

    Sadly, the promise of crack was nothing more than a ruse by Roger Smith.

  • Devin

    Maybe she's born with it… Maybe it's Bowling Green!

  • SeanKHotay

    Gohl dang, these valet parking jockeys are soitently bird doggin' for a gratooity!

  • SeanKHotay

    Dang! You drove here from Virginia, slim?

    You came a long way, baby!

    • SeanKHotay

      Clown cars take on a whole new meaning in New York City.

      • SeanKHotay

        "Is that really fake leather? Yuck!"
        "And those tires…Crappy Generals?! On a sports car?!"
        "Why they use plastic-a and not steel, Tuxedo-san? Nyundadeska…"
        "Yes, quite the plasticky pram. Certainly not a Jaguar nor Aston."
        "They really only got 240HP out of 350ci?! Sheet man! Got to be runnin' cold upside down Roger Smith's head, y'know?"
        "And where did you get that gold lame dress?! It's awful! And those shoes, jeeeeez!"

        • P161911

          Hey, Vetes came with Goodyear "Gatorbacks".
          It is easy to take shots at lots of things on C4s, tires aren't one of them.
          Also, I'm pretty sure they all had real (cheap) leather or cloth seats too.

          -Former C4 owner.

          • SeanKHotay

            How do you know those aren't replacement shoes on that Vete?

            Gotta consider the tuxedo and lame gold lame clothes-wearing owners…

            And, FTR, I know an ex-C3 owner who *did* put Generals on it. Surprising as he was of the picky ilk.

            • P161911

              My 2011 Silverado came from the factory with Generals, but I didn't expect much with the WT package. I tried chasing down the asymmetric, unidirectional Goodyear GS-Cs for my '94 Vette for a while. Eventually it got too expensive and I just ran Kumhos that were half the price and lasted at least twice as long, might not have had quite the grip or ride quality of the Goodyears though.

              • SeanKHotay

                Yeah, the Kumhos are decent but they also squeal like they're being strangled when they are about to let go. Poor man's drivers warning device…

                Even the depicted Radio Raheem should be able to tell the difference…

              • pj134

                I've never really been a fan of goodyears… Too expensive, never last and they get out performed by other brands.

        • topdeadcentre

          "…and those shoes, jeeeeeez!"
          <img src="http://s1.moviefanfare.com/uploads/2009/06/stephen-stucker.jpg"&gt;
          I miss Stephen "Johnny" Stucker…

    • Can you spot the Camel Filters smoker?

      • SeanKHotay

        The one with the yellow teeth?

  • P161911

    "You think this photo is confusing, just wait 'til you see the Corvette's all digital dash!"
    <img src="http://static.cargurus.com/images/site/2007/12/28/14/40/1987_chevrolet_corvette_convertible-pic-58486.jpeg"width=500&gt;

  • "Damn, this photo was easier to set up in 1983."

  • mr. mzs zsm msz esq

    <img src="http://www.panelsonpages.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/hulk-hogans-rnr.jpg&quot; width="500"> Hollywood will remake anything today.

  • tonyola

    The loud ripping sound coming from the shiny dress as Nadia extended her leg from the car was a tipoff to the crowd that they were going to get quite a show when she stood up.

    By the way, it's "hansom cab", not "handsome" – that is, unless you are genuinely attracted to the driver.

  • Japanese tourists: Drive Corvette, have large penis.

    Clowns: We could fit a dozen of us in there.

    Kid with boombox: RAD CAR! I BET IT'S SOOO FAST!

    The Huxtables: Damn white folks and their damn white cars!

    Carriage Driver: That damn Corvette will put my little operation out of business, what with me and my one horse power.

    Teen girls: She is so pretty! I love her gold dress! We have to get men that drive Corvettes, Jannie!

    Tux and Gold Dress: Hell of a place you picked, sweetheart. I mean, the only thing missing is… oh, there is one.

    Dude in wicked yellow hat/turban: …

    Coked out businessman: I gotta get me one of them! Coke white!

  • Charles_Barrett

    "Good heavens, Reginald…!
    How many people do we have to tip at this hotel, anyway? Next time let's just self-park, shall we?"

  • skitter

    Finally, she decided what to wish for.
    The genie was unsure that a Corvette would also lead to peace on earth.
    He could only hope for the best.

  • cheapthrills

    A time in its history that is better forgotten, the budget cuts on Let's Make a Deal had forced them to give out only one prize per show. Not only did this make for on-air confusion, the winners were not known to share well afterwards.

  • P161911

    If you thought the coupe shook and rattled bad with the targa top off just wait until you try the new convertible.

  • Number_Six

    Suddenly Richard Pryor knew exactly what to do with his money from Critical Condition.

  • Dammit! I said American Indian! We don't sell these things in India, but we do sell them in Arizona!

  • "What on earth is WRONG with you people! Get the hell away from my car! You don't just go up to a strangers' car and start laying your greasy hands all over it! Are you all really that rude, or just clueless?"

  • The zombies discovered that brain hunting was much easier once they'd adopted clever disguises that blended in with the living.

  • Alff

    "See honey? I told you the Corvette would come with a lot of extras."

  • The 1987 Corvette: Guaranteed to pull ass on every continent.

  • The Professor

    Dammit! Did I just drive into another crowd of pedestrians?

  • This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps.

    • +7? Really? Wow, I thought that would be too obscure.

      • UDman

        You forget who reads this little blog of ours…. It's not (Redacted)

        • Still, we're talking about the edited for TV version of a 1990s movie, heh.

        • Alff

          Ah, but it is redacted.

  • dragon951

    "She's still been handled less than you my dear…"

  • smalleyxb122

    There's gold in them thar heels!

  • alcology

    Alright, where's waldo?

  • Honey, please pop the Stealer Wheels tape out, we are attracting a crowd again.

    But dear,

    Well I don't know why I came here tonight
    I got the feeling that something ain't right
    I'm so scared in case I'll fall off my chair
    And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs
    Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am
    Stuck in the middle with you

  • gearhead

    Everybody wants some.

  • smalleyxb122

    Gene's tastes run the gamut; Anything fast, white, and mostly plastic will do.

  • hwyengr

    Not understanding the rules of the contest, Jacqueline was disqualified from The Plaza's Corvette giveaway after she tried to sit inside the car rather than just keeping her hand on it.

  • The crowd quickly dispersed when it realized Melinda was not, in fact, a giant bag of Jiffy Pop.

  • jims63valvert

    in the early days of OnStar GM hired just about anyone who said they did roadside assistance….little did they know what sort of "assistance" they were getting…

  • McQueen

    "Hansen's hair pieces are gaurenteed to work, if your going through a mid life crisis a Corvette is the only thing that will give it away"

  • pj134

    I don't always drop acid, but when I do, I see a C4 Corvette.

  • scroggzilla

    I'm sure they're just dazzled by her quasi-futuristic attire.
    <img src="http://www.hvrsd.org/timberlane/students/stevenh/images/dr%20evil.jpg"&gt;

  • Afalconfan

    "Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right…."

  • Afalconfan

    Ad Executive – "Sure we could market it as a sporty (cough) car BUT why not try this….."

  • flr1975

    Corvette for 1987. It's more than just the Heartbeat of America…it's a defibrilator.

  • njhoon

    The Feds took notice of Carlos soon after everyone thought even his car was made of coke.

  • Van Sarockin

    Sex Panther cologne and perfumes: It might just be for everybody.