Hooniverse Asks- What’s The Best Anti D-Bag Car?
Somewhere between AAA and AA there needs to be an organization that can help the douchebag car owner. You know who they are – hell, you may just be a set of tinted tail light lenses away from being one - but that doesn’t mean they’ve gained social acceptance. And it’s up to us to figure out what the automotive cure will be to all the backwards caps, fart can exhausts, and monochromatic lighting schemes.
Whether D-Bags are born that way, or they’re D-bagginess is cultured in Frat houses and Type-R forums is open to debate, but the fact that they exist at all makes the world a poorer – and more tan in a can coated – place. And like the crack addict is never far from his spoon and pipe, the D-bag hardly ever strays far from his ride – which is typically also totally douched out. And that is where the cure first lies.
If we can replace the douchebag car with something anti-douche, maybe it will act as a catalyst and the whole douchie spell will be broken. Sure, you can’t just pray the gay away, but we may be able to save an entire generation from fade hair styles and insane reverse camber Accords. But what car would be the best D-bag cure?
Image source: [evolutionm.net]
Related posts:
"Douche – Learn what Summer's Eve is all about."
Gotta love some targeted ads.
I got one for Merry Maids. Not sure what that means.
Cleanings cleaning, right?
Merry Maids – no job's too big, or too small.
douche is a female product therefore the advertisers assert that cleaners are women
/male chauvinist post because broads hate that
I got one for Cadillac. Heh, kinda fits in with the theme, I guess…
<img src="http://www.tanshanomi.com/temp/YahooFantasySports_doll_ad.jpg" width="500">
Targeted advertising: you're doing it wrong.
<img src="http://www.firstofmaydesigns.net/2009NBDCC/day4/IMG_5328.JPG" width=500>
Any minivan is going to have a low Massengill Quotient.
By the time they are 15 it's too late, you need nip this in the bud at the first signs.
<img src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/71luZf-sEkL._AA550_.jpg" width="500">
Are you suggesting one buy this for a young son who displays douchey characteristics? I'm thinking there could be unintended implications.
Who said the consequences will be unintended? I think the Man in Black said it best.
[youtube IcQKtl3MGCE http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcQKtl3MGCE youtube]
He'll grow-up to be a real man's man of course.
>poof?<
Yes, that's also a possibility, I suppose.
I think the term (British, I believe) is actually "poofter"… which I suppose could really mean a man's man, just not the sort of which you & Johnny Cash meant.
;->
<img src="http://atomictoasters.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Westward-Ho.jpg"width=500>
or maybe
<img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2451/4011077618_e7803757a8.jpg"width=500>
or even
<img src="http://hooniverse.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/completely-disassembled.jpg"width=500>
Yea, but there's a d-bag and his ride if I ever saw one.
<img src="http://hooniverse.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/IMG_0560_cropped.jpg" width="500">
That guy's pimp!
nah, that mg is a total dbaggers car!
Hey now.
But 1 billion internets if you show up in a plastic baggie for a costume.
you sir have a good mind.
shopping bag or garbage bag?
<img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3160/2406619320_b09b04352a.jpg">
Entirely capable and practically impossible to make it look pretentious.
I think the absence of any evidence of actual off-road use makes it pretentious.
There, thats better.
<img src="http://www.harrysituations.com/projects/comanche.jpg" width="600">
okay, the obviously true answer is anything old and suitably beat-up to have negative dbag status. To make the game interesting, it should be a new car that is sporting but nevertheless far from douchey. And here we run into some real trouble: are there any new sporting cars that don't either make an explicit gesture toward dbags or have a dedicated dbag following? Even the miata is not exempt.
Volvo C30?
I would say RX8 kind of escaped rotardism due to its lack of turbo.
As the first models get older and cheaper, it's becoming very douchey. The main RX-8 board I read is currently getting overloaded with "I'm a new owner, what's the best body kit?!?" threads.
Yeah… and if you buy the original ones your obviously not reading up on them too well. My brother just put a body kit on his but I think it was more of a "I need a new front bumper because my car was hit and run several times, OEM is expensive" body kit decision.
Pickup trucks can qualify. See my example of a base model, complete negative d-bag. BUT, if you option out the 4WD drive model and jack it up, instant d-bag mobile.
mine is a base model, leveled with 33" tires. Does that make me a Bro or Douche?
<img src="http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a317/ssurfer321/Picture004.jpg?t=1311696448", width=500>
Depends how you park when you see a pile of snow.
If its large enough, with 3 tires buried in it maxing out the articulation.
Not necessarily, but the chromes/polished alloy does.
with the chrome step bars coming with the truck, I couldn't put black/teflon wheels on it. And I bought these forged wheels B1G1F and that played a big factor in the finish.
As someone who offroaded, I never saw the value in anything but steels. Steels you can hammer back into shape after a rock blow but you're probably going to crack anything else if you try. Maybe its just the conditions I offroad in but I can't stand alloys on offroad trucks unless it is done just right.
yes alloys are crap for off-road. I don't know if you caught it in my last response but I bought forged wheels. Milled from a solid billet of aluminum. Lighter and stronger that alloy.
Yes aluminum is better then alloy but it still has the problem of breaking if you need to hammer out a bend. Plus repairing aluminum costs more then replacing a steelie.
There's a difference between Bro and Douche?
I was wondering the same damn thing.
There is nothing wrong w/ Bro? Except the overuse of the word Bro?
A Bro is a Douche, a Douche is not necessarily a Bro.
A Bro is a Douche's underling/sidekick/toady/wingman/wannabe/worshiper.
Ariel Atom.
Almost any Fiat. Any Porsche that's not a 911 or Boxter.
… What country are you from that Porsche drivers aren't douche bags?
I mean… the Cayenne, the Panemera, the 944's, the 924's, the 928's… baggery… 356 is snooty baggery, 912 is douchebaggy… the 914 might kind of escape it… the Cayman is definite baggery…
924 and 912's not worth being a douche over, 944 barely so, and only the S2 and Turbo models, which no one seems to take care of anyway. 928's yeah, but when do you see them? 356 owners are too busy polishing head bolts to be douchy and Cayman/Panamera owners have given up on life and no one loves them.
Just because its not worth being a douche over doesn't mean that the owners don't have a Porsche forearm tat and 24k gold Porsche emblem necklace that is worth more than the car. This isn't about what car shouldn't be douchey, its about what car doesn't have an air of douchenality.
I think he's right about the 924 for sure, no status among the douches. The 944 used to be the reason for this (as jock to the 924's nerd), but I think it is also losing its cool status and thus the douchey connotation it had from new into the late 90s. I don't know who drives a 928. I don't feel like an old 911 is really very douchey, as it's becoming the stock choice of the bearded, nonathletic, badly-dressed collector guy, not exactly a pillar of douchiness.
But think about who originally bought those 911's… they are forever tarnished by tufts of man fur, pastel polo's with popped collars and more. The 924's current problem is that it is easily bro attainable as well as the 944 and the 928 is in the same boat.
Okay, I'll weigh in on this one, too, but only to point out that an argument in favor of granting some Porsches the status of "non" still falls short of establishing them as "anti."
that's a good point. For all my defense, I still haven't broken down and bought a porsche yet, even though well-kept 924S and 944 are going for peanuts now, and I was just in that market. Went for a Z car instead, partly because I liked how the Z can't be pinned down to one group or class of owners.
They always find a way…
<img src="http://carphotos.cardomain.com/ride_images/4/453/2121/38631060001_large.jpg" width=400/>
Although I can't find a brutalized 912.
+1 because, while the Porsche comment is debatable, you are spot on about Fiat.
I gave you a +1. First, because Fiat is hands down the most perfect answer I have seen so far. Also, I think your assertion that Porsche (sans 911 or Boxster) is at least debatable and sparked some impassioned replies. For that, sir (or madam), I tip my hat to you. Though, you should also have excluded the Cayenne, Panamera, and Caymen. Basically their entire current lineup.
<img src="http://www.italiancar.net/site/news/07/0711/fiat500prizes/Fiat%20500_FerrariColours_02.jpg" width=500>
Once again, the answer lies in the magic of Simulated Bleached Teakwood.
<img src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/a/ae/1967_AMC_Rambler_Rebel_station_wagon_Mariner_edition.JPG/600px-1967_AMC_Rambler_Rebel_station_wagon_Mariner_edition.JPG" width="500">
This would qualify as well…
<img src="http://www.tanshanomi.com/temp/92towncar.jpg"width=500>
You just made me visualize the Town Cow with SBT side appliques!
You owe me keyboard; there are brains all over mine now.
Ooh, good idea. They could call it the Lincoln Town Car PBE*. Vinyl and Landau Bars optional.
*Palm Beach Edition
That could actually look really good, but the lines might be messed-up from the headlights being so big, so either go and cover them up except for little slits, or do the top of the hood, roof, and trunk instead! To the photshops Robin!
BTW, just checked the Hooniverse's calendar for your car show. It's not on there. I was thinking I'd come see some cars and shake your hand. Can you share the details?
A week from Saturday, August 6th. Registration is open from 8-9:30 AM, free breakfast starts sometime around 9 or 9:30 (fantastic breakfast burritos by Silber Spoons Catering), awards ceremony happens sometime around 11:30-11:45, and we're out of there by noon. If you want a to bring a car to exhibit, just show up with it; there are no fees or pre-registration. Click the link for prize info and a map.
http://clubs.hemmings.com/clubsites/acckc/EventFi…
PS, if you know anybody who'll donate door prizes, let me know. The local retailers are being pretty stingy this year.
I think if I stepped foot on the grounds of that car show I would burst into flames…
Nah, it's held in the parking lot waaay across the street from the church building.
Although with the heat this summer, it's a legitimate risk for anybody in any parking lot, really.
On the other hand, maybe you'd be kept safe from accidents and breakdowns on the way home.
A sporty stripper model?
(Of course I mean a whore playing football)
This:
<img src="http://farm7.static.flickr.com/6145/5977597431_913686b8f8_z.jpg" "width=600">
Four gears, three pedals, and two side pipes make for one badass, non d-bag ride!
Oh crap, a brown Dodge stepside with slot mags and sidepipes!!! Could it possibly GET any better?!?
I have been seriously stuck on this pic for the last 10 minutes…
…all hail the hypnododge….
Rootbeer brown – truly an underrated color.
>poof<
<img src="http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/funny-pictures-cat-is-amazed.jpg" width="500"/>
(I'd prefer a Sweptline box myself, but those wheels! and those sidepipes! …I'll be in my bunk.)
That was probably pretty douchy in 1979.
It's all relative…you are pretty douchey for 2011.
A minivan and an ankle-biter or two will de-douche the most steadfast d-bag.
Personally, I don't think there is a best anti-Summers Eve car. I agree with Alff, up top, and those are solid choices, but Summers Eve's will always be around, and they will be the first in line to buy the anti-d car to Summers Eve it up. They know no limits.
<img src="http://carpicturess.tk/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/Volkswagen-New-Beetle-Convertible.jpg">
Because there is no way to make a VW Beetle convertible badass, they will just give up, and become productive members of society.
I beg to differ.
<img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3580/3559722451_ae0818ea59.jpg">
Somebody owes me a keyboard!
<img src="http://chzgifs.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/cup-had-too-much-to-drink.gif">
i'm loving that little video…. not sure how i worked in convenience stores for years and never thought of that….
<señor poof!>
They can put all the wheels they want on it, still looks like it's driven by a hairdresser named Chantal.
It's actually LaChonda, and she does nails.
It's the fat and the furious! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPqcTFm2ID8
<oof!>
Silverado 2wd with the WT package and no options. This means a 4.3L V-6, wind up windows, no power locks, cloth or vinyl seats, vinyl floor mats, and a black grill. Sure you could douche it up with some chrome wheels and tinted lights, but keep it stock.
Sort of like this:
<img src="http://imganuncios.mitula.net/2011_chevrolet_silverado_1500_work_truck_sheer_silver_metallic_in_elkland_pennsylvania_93678483436647291.jpg"width=500>
/thread. Evar.
Right now I am driving between pretty much the truck described above. My truck is an extended cab and I did get black so the black grill wouldn't stand out as much. My other car is a sort of douched out BMW Z3: lowered, S52 conversion, black wheels, loud exhaust, M roadster front bumper, slightly custom grey and black interior.
THIS!
Base-model trucks are among the least pretentious vehicles, ever. You buy one because you are likely to actually used it as, you know, a TRUCK (rather than as a prosthesis for your gentleman's region).
bmw m6.
AMC pacer time
Anything old, British, and mediocre. The Hillman Minx Estate, for example.
<img src="http://www.simoncars.co.uk/audax/slides/Hillman%20Minx%20Series%20IIIA%20Estate%20front.jpg" width="500" />
"old, British, and mediocre"
I'm thinking that last adjective is largely redundant.
Nothing a good body-kit couldn't fix.
And by body-kit of course I mean sledge-hammer & duck-tape.
Front-mounted, permanently-affixed trailer hitches are a good indication of non-douchery of a car, regardless of the country of origin.
It's amazing how often we are oblivious to obvious truths until they are pointed out to us.
My grandad had one on his pickup, to facilitate single handed boat retrieval at the ramp. What else might that be used for?
This
<img src="http://farm7.static.flickr.com/6021/5945254386_fbc208a74d.jpg" width="500" height="394" alt="65 rac rally moss-carlsson nystrom saab">
And here's a nice 2-stroke 96 from the nice people at B.A.T. http://bringatrailer.com/2011/07/26/jet-shine-196…
Great pic! But when I clicked on it, flickr told me that it was private. Any chance I can see it? I need some new wallpaper on my screen. I'm on flickr – http://www.flickr.com/people/deadelvis/
Suzuki Baleno
[youtube VjE3NjDdfts http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjE3NjDdfts youtube]
You know, I have never met a Summers Eve driving a Saab…
Perhaps eccentrics and character-ridden cars less likely to be accepted by unsavory characters?
I've met plenty of autumnal afternoon pine fresh dick scrubs driving saabs
They couldn't figure out where the keys went.
I knew plenty of them in Vermont & NH during high school & college. Tennis playing bros, the lot of 'em.
Now they're driving SaaBlazers (the 97x or whatever that silly rebadged thing was called).
Perhaps a little DDR could help level things out:
<img src="http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j129/hoopd87/007.jpg" width = 500 >
Wartburg wheeling punks, with their western style dungarees, black market Marlboros and fancy haircuts were the d-bags of the Binz shore. The rest of us had to drive Trabbys, Zastavas or, worse yet, Velorex.
The Velorex looks sort of like a dead cow with a motor shoved up its ass.
True, that is another point in its favor, but only until someone shows up on a Cowasaki.
<img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/36/123568137_90ab3af6e0.jpg" width="350">
I have to assume you meant to write "…or, best of all, Velorex."
[youtube OoYbWkguYE8 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OoYbWkguYE8 youtube]
I think you would have thrived under communist rule.
I think he was a communist ruler.
A "communist ruler"– measures in Metric?
Measures in crushed souls.
Wait, I didn't post that as a reply…OOOHhhhh, Hoonibbles!
waaaa?
For a new car?
Easy… Mazda2. The most fun you can have in a modern car with just 100 horses. Also, I would love to own one – they are THAT much fun…
<img src="http://www.blogcdn.com/www.autoblog.com/media/2011/01/lead9-2011-mazda2-review.jpg" width="500">
How are they compared to a FIAT 500, another contender in the "fun, but small, and only has 100hp" category?
do it! we can enjoy driving around in southern california in our pigmy mazdas!
The problem is pretty much every car with sporting intentions has been laid waste by the Delta Bravo force. Even the lowly V6 Mustang, long rumored to be the top choice of hair dressers and teen girls, has become a douche-able ride. I've seen more ridiculous body kits on these cars than I care to remember. So, I'm going back in time for my answer.
<img width=500 src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2c/2nd_Ford_Probe_GT.jpg">
I dunno, I've seen some heinous body kits on the Probe, along with picnic tables mounted on the trunk.
Also Gareth Cheeseman, but I'm at work so I can't provide an example of this knock against the Probe's sterling reputation.
Of course, the Brits probably have another colloquialism for DB – "kipper sack" or some such.
[youtube hlQySJ-_c6Y http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlQySJ-_c6Y youtube]
Up here in Northern BC I would have to say that the probe seems to be Delta Bravo force's early assault vehicles , that is if they have cams left .
This Truck: <img src="http://hooniverse.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/025-650×433.jpg" />
Yo, XUV just kicked in!
Probably so, but it's hard to see past the Envoy in the foreground.
How are you liking the Envoy? Still happy with your decision?
The Challenger seems less d-bag prone than its platform-mates. (Though it might just be that there are more 300's, Magnums, and Chargers around and the other cars are closer to the d-bag price range.)
<img src="http://i847.photobucket.com/albums/ab40/ptschett/Challenger/DSC03920.jpg" width="500"/>
Totally agree with the Challenger… but when they drop in price a bit on the used market, it's game over. D-bag time…
<img src="http://storm.oldcarmanualproject.com/reliant/robin/Reliant%20Robin%201e.jpg" width="400">
alternatively
<img src="http://liveimages.carsales.com.au/dealer/carsales/27802162.jpg?width=400">
i dono, anyone who buys a messer at going rates these days might qualify as a d-bag.
So, is that a picture of the Jalopnik staff?
hahha, bam!
Sorry, who?
It occurred to me that if Steve McQueen had one, drove one or looked one hard enough that vehicle is d-bag-proof.
<img src="http://files.myopera.com/edwardpiercy/blog/Geo-Metro-1.jpg">
Because it is impossible to be a douche while driving a Smurf-blue Metro. (Is it wrong that I secretly lust after a Smurf blue Metro?)
You wanna bet I saw one in that same colour in a parking lot with two , i repeat two fart cans hanging out the back end . I had to investigate because I couldn't believe someone would pay to have dual exhaust put on a Metro , and I was right , they had welded the auxiliary Fart can to the under body of the car .
The problem with D-Bag cars is they are like guns , in the wrong hands it can become a serious problem . I believe Douche Tards will ruin any car they get their grimey fingers on .
I'm amazed at the number of d-bagged 1Gen MX-6s…what's with that?
Really up here in the north I see the sister car Ford Probe all straight piped , big spoiler , body kit , and under lights . There is only one MX-6 in my town that I know of and it is bone stock with some very tasteful rims ( Elementary school teacher she has good tastes ) and a really nice dark shade of green
I have to agree – the only real difference between a douchebag driving a second- or third-hand shitbox and one driving a Ferrari is that the Ferrari-driving douchebag has more money.
Exactly and even if it were illegal for said D-Bag to own a vehicle , you know Ma and Pa's car is going to feel the full effects of whatever modifications D-Bag can afford to put on it .
Rambler. Any Rambler. Mitt Romney grew up in ramblers, he's many bad things, but not a douche.You can't be in a Rambler.