HCOTY Nominee: The Wullet, 5th Door Horseman of the Hoonpocolypse
Salvation? Pray for death!
The Devil doesn’t wear Prada. He also doesn’t ride a horse, regardless of how much Irishmen prefer them to Mitsubishis. (The horse also comes with cursing, so click the link with caution if you’re at work.) Instead, he takes the GNX out on special occasions (such as taking Saddam Hussein to the drive-in). But for trundling about town running errands and sowing evil thoughts, Satan prefers the Wullet. That’s because while the GNX is sinister, the Wullet is hewn from a solid block of evil, forged in a den of sin, and fueled by the souls of puppies.
The Wullet is my choice for Hooniversal Car of the Year. Can you blame me?
The Wullet is notable for many things – pervasive and ragged rust, burning rubber, being perpetually surrounded by the fumes of unburnt petrochemicals and sulphuric emanations – but you should pay attention to what’s under the hood. Actually, how could you miss it? It’s 454 CID of wholly irresponsible power. Eight giant cylinders which serve as eight throbbing middle fingers pointing right at the establishment. It’ll probably twist the wagon into a pretzel when you drop the clutch.
Its backfires light forest fires.
Oh yes, I said clutch. What maniac would ruin the efficient transfer of evil by subjecting it to the pumping losses inherent in a slushbox? That’s right, it has a four-speed manual, so you have no one to blame but yourself when you blow a shift and a column of fire shoots through the transmission tunnel and parboils your eyes. Sure, the shifter action is probably notchy – that’s because the gearbox is grinding the bones of kittens into a driveshaft-lubricating slurry. The service life of the clutch is also probably measured in minutes, but that’s fine, because if you live long enough to shift twice you’re not driving it right.
Floor is literally made of cholera.
The Wullet will most assuredly kill you, hurt the ones you love, kill the planet, make cute animals and pudgy children cry, and resurrect the dinosaurs, who are seriously pissed that you’ve been burning them by the barrel-full. Trust me on this. They’ve seen Jurassic Park and that’s going to be like an episode of the Care Bears compared to the level of hurt they will inflict on the mammalian ruling class. All of your ex-girlfriends’ new, awesome boyfriends will laugh as a Deinonychus runs you down and tickles your torso with its 4.7″ claw while Slash plays an endless, wailing riff on the Emergency Broadcasting System. It’s the end, the downfall of mankind, created from a swirling vortex of white-letter meltdown spilling out the back of a Chevrolet Malibu wagon. It’s been a good run and this will be a superb finish.
Throughout history, the Wullet has been at the center of the world's ills.
So the Wullet really has very little to recommend it as a vehicle, per se. It’s vastly impractical, uglier than Charles Bukowski’s genetically engineered love-child with Charles Bronson, and bound to bring the end of days. It’s beyond-Dada-absurd, the work of a thousand madmen poking a thousand rabid monkeys who’re pecking away at a thousand broken keyboards. In other words, it’s perfect.
I rest my case. May Murilee have mercy on us all.
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Has anybody told the eBay seller that his car has become a mini-celebrity? BTW, it didn't sell, as nobody met the $6,000 reserve.
How much does a 454 go for these days? The engine might be worth more than the car.
Depends on the insides. I dumped 7K into mine with 12:1 forged pistons, GM rods, Elgin cam, Comp Cam roller rockers, then a set of GM heads that mimic those used on the LS-6 and LS-7 in the late 60's. Plus a multi-port FI and DIS setup.
You aren't building one on the low end for less then 3K if it is done right.
A minor nitpick: The BBC's of the late 60's were 427 CID. The 454 came along in 1970, including LS6 and LS7 variants.
I was thinking of the Mark IV series…396 and such. Correct you are the 454 was in '70. With the LS-7 being in '70.
What's yours residing in? Tell me it's a Fiero!!!!
Camaro, '69.
Very fine!
Don't be evil.
I wonder if that's really the four-speed that came with the car as the seller claims. If so, then it's intended to handle at most a 350 rated at 170 hp. Grind! Snap! Boom! Augggh! [silence]
There would be no more noble a way for a tranny to be blown.
You forgot "tinkle tinkle tinkle" as the shrapnel falls back to earth. But yeah, if that's the original tranny, it's now a bomb.
Eh, that 7.5 inch rear will likely go first. I always wanted to paint the one in my ElCamino green because it was definitely a grenade with the pin pulled.
….aaaaand i have a new desktop wallpaper….. (at work)
Ha-ha-ha! Ok, the Rubberbandits are officially my favorite band of the day.
Oh, and this wagon still scares me.
I wasn't allowed to watch the video after I read the first slide, "This video is intended for a mature audience." Well that excludes me.
I think this car should win automatically. It scores a 185, ergo "Fantasy Garage", on the How Jalop is Your Ride. So full of win.
This will have my vote, for sure! Unless of course, a Crosley Wagon with a 572 comes into the equation…
No, you're right. Slash plays the wailing solo while the world burns, and Dio stands there commanding the dinosaurs to destroy mankind. It's a finely tuned system.
Question: Do we think that Dio is there to save the day, or just to wreak unbridled, wanton destruction?
That's what I was going to say. Dio was a force of good, always willing to dive deeper to face whatever evil had poked its head into our world.
Sorry, not feelin' it. It's just a rusty malaise wagon with a monster under the hood, and not even a particularly interesting monster at that.
It's definitely cool, but cool alone doesn't win you HCOTY in my book.
It also doesn't have enough front wheels. That's important.
I'm going to buy this car and convert it to run on Colt 45. THEN it will be the greatest car in existence.
Ronnie James Dio deserves to be HCOTY, and if there's any justice in the universe he will be. Wheel of fire, take his spirit higher. He's the Man in the Silver Monza. (Mountaineer fits better, but I just can't picture him in a Mountaineer.)
R.I.O. Speedwagon?
And now, the official Christmas light spectacular of the Wullet
[youtube HFjI7gT1FvI http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFjI7gT1FvI youtube]
Even though I'm on the floor convulsing in an epileptic fit, and my ears are bleeding, I raise my hands in a "too much rock for one hand" gesture. Good work, as always, Mr. Scroggs.
How do we vote? I totally screwed up on the Hooniversal Secret Ninja Santa Claus thing because I was completely drunk when I signed up and didn't read the rules. I'm somewhat sober now, but I don't know for how long……
This Thing gets my vote, and Scroggziila's video above is the perfect place to park it.
We'll have a roundup post with links to all the submissions, and a poll, in a few days. Or something. You should probably follow our lead and get too drunk to follow up on anything. If it ain't broke …
This car is the most horrendous, toxic, ugly and just plain radical beast to grace these fine pages in quite awhile, and it probably will get my vote. A car like this pisses off all the right people.
I love this car. It's incredible and badass, but I'm not sure it's OTY material.
Specifically because I could probably build it over a weekend from entirely within the Pick Your Part (home of the sextopus!) in Sun Valley.
We've run a lot of killer cars, but only the most singular deserve HCOTY.
This versus the octomom-whatever? This definitely takes it. I defy anyone to try to make this thing look "nice". It would probably just transform in Christine-esque fashion back to its former heavymetal-whitetrash-scary-toothless-redneck form.
Hideous, in the best possible way.