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The Rise of the Hoonitarian Hooniversalists

Deartháir October 5, 2010 In General 124 Comments

Praise Chapman, we have seen the light!

Rise, brothers and sisters! Rise to your feet, and join me! Join me in joyful celebration! Hallelujah, my brothers and sisters, for good news is upon us today! Good news, I say! Great news! According to our brother name_too_long, our humble following can consider itself elevated to great heights indeed! Granted, it’s all in your interpretation, but since when were we bothered by such trivialities as technical details? Never! We Hoons are renowned for our ability to adapt anything to suit our personal needs; be it a Hayabusa into a BMW Isetta, or a Viper V10 into a 1930s Plymouth pickup, we know the Sacred Rule: “If it doesn’t fit, get a bigger hammer.” And now we get to apply that rule to our very way of life.

Rise, and join us at the altar! Mind the grease, I forgot to mop that up.

That’s right, my brothers and sisters, Brother name_too_long has discovered that we Hoons can, with a bit of a creative perspective, actually qualify as a religion, according to the rules of his Religious Studies course. Sing praises (composed by Motorhead) to the heavens, for the way is now before us! We have our Sacred Texts (Service Manuals, AutoTrader, Hooniverse itself… and shall we consider AteUpWithMotor to be The Old Testament?); we have our Holy Lands (The Nurburgring, Bathurst, Goodwood); we have our Gods (The Gods of Oversteer, the Car Gods) and Goddesses (Murilee, Sabine); we have our Saints (Saint Ferruccio, Saint Ferdinand, Saint Ettore, Saint Colin, Saint Henry…) and Prophets (Clarkson of Dunsfold, Stig of Tibet, Ayrton of McLaren). We even have our sectarian splits (Lamborghini vs. Ferrari, Nissan vs. Porsche, Lincoln vs. Cadillac, European vs. Domestic, AMC vs. uh… everyone). Clearly, my brothers and sisters, we are well on our way to a proper religion!

Celebrate, Hoons! Celebrate, for now is our time to rise and define ourselves! Never again shall we spend a weekend swearing and wrenching on a faltering engine! Instead, Hallelujah, we shall spend that weekend in devotion to our chosen religion! We shall sacrifice our blood to the cause of vehicular resurrection! We shall pray at the altar of fuel injection! We shall partake of Holy (Routine Automotive) Service, consuming the Holy Brefass Scotch, Sacred Lunch Gin, Exalted Dinnerbeer and Blessed Pizza. And when anyone tries to criticise, we shall explain that it is a religious matter; they needn’t understand. It is simply a matter of Faith.

So lo, my brothers and sisters, welcome to the Church of the Hoonitarian Hooniversalists! As we rise out of these Dark Times of The Troubles, when the Church was beset by the Demons of Technology who sought to keep The Word from the Faithful, we shall arise stronger than ever!

But clearly, our new religion needs to define its way. What shall our holidays be? What are our sacred grounds? How do we define our religious services? What shall define us as our Holy Path? And how long will it take you to change your Facebook “religion” field to “Hoonitarian Hooniversalist”?

[EDIT: Kudos to Mr. Michael T. Dog for coming up with the most excellent name for our church. He is to be praised and revered.]

  • scroggzilla

    Your Holiness,

    I see you've returned to your "Pope Dearthair" persona. How soon until we're overrun by your Papal Ninjas? Also, has my application for sainthood been approved? I believe I've mailed in the required number of cereal boxtops. Please advise soonest.

    aka "The inimitable Mr. Scroggs"
    {soon to be known as (fingers crossed)…..Saint Dick of Appalachia, Patron Saint of Old Motorsport Photos and Videos, Giant Monster Movies and other assorted bric-a-brac}

    • Is that what eBay use?

      Paypal Ninjas?

    • Alff

      I nominate scroggs to be keeper of The Old Testament.

    • Deartháir

      Don't you have to be deaded before you can be sainted? Have you ever been deaded before?

      • How about mostly-deaded?

        • Deartháir

          I feel happyyyy! I feel happyyyy!

  • ChuckyShamrok

    My facebook is already Changed, had it set as "Pastafarian" for awhile to annoy the college I was going to.

    I think a good Holiday would be the first weekend of spring, where we get the winter project cars and summer drivers out of the garage and back on the road

    • And all the guys who didn't work on their project car all winter have to publicly confess their sins: "Brothers, forgive me. My car does not join this joyous communion of vehicles because I spent my money on pizza, and siding for the house. I spent my free time watching reruns of The Office, even some of the really un-funny ones. I chickened out of a bidding war on Ebay for the only functioning reverse-hapzoid shift linkage selenoid I've located in over four years…"

    • Mine is changed as well. Perfect.

    • Changed. I like the spring holiday when all the convertibles go topless….

  • Texan_Idiot25

    And we even have many gods.

    God of speed
    Blessed Lady of Acceleration

  • Mine was set to Blainetologist (twaaahhh) but I have seen the light and will update it with power sliding, tire-screeching quickness…

  • dukeisduke

    Huh? I'm just glad that the dang site is accessible today. Yesterday I couldn't get to this place at all.

    • Unbelievers cannot enter the holy shrine. Your lack of faith blinded you from seeing the site.

      • Shit, we just created Hooniverse Gold…

        • Smells_Homeless

          Take it back! It's not too late.

        • If we could create Hooniverse Gold from old car parts…we'd be Hoonchemists, would we not?

        • I was walking along and met a Hoon at the side of the road with a Gawker star. I asked him for it and he readily gave to me. I took it and delightedly continued on my way, but soon I felt compelled to go back. He saw me approaching and said, "You have my Gawker star…I have nothing else to give you."

          To which I said, "I want whatever Hoonowledge you have that made it so easy for you to hand your Gawker star over to me…"

          • Deartháir

            That was beautiful man. Just beautiful.

    • Alff

      In the darkest hour, when you cannot see The Lord, know he is there. At those times, many take comfort in the Book of Face.

  • Ahem…

    Brothers and sisters, we must remember the 10 Commandments of Hooniversalism:

    "I am the HOON your God, who brought you out of Malaise, out of the land of slavery.
    1 "You shall have no other blogs before me.
    2 "You shall make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. 5 You shall bow down to them or worship them; for I, the HOON your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, 6 but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.
    3 "You shall not misuse the name of the HOON your God, for the HOON will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.
    4 "Remember the Race Day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Race Day to the HOON your God. On it you shall not do any work except that which you do on your vehicle, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates. For in six days the HOON made the money to pay for the garages and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the HOON blessed the Race Day and made it holy.
    5 "Honor your engines and your transmissions, so that you may live long in the land the HOON your God is giving you.
    6 "You shall not wreck another hoon’s car.
    7 "You shall not remain automotively monogamous.
    8 "You shall not steal from fellow hoons.
    9 "You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor about your hoonage.
    10 "You shall not touch your neighbor's vehicles. You shall not touch your neighbor's wife, or his scotch or beer, his motorcycle or moped, or anything that belongs to your neighbor unless he has given prior permission.

    And remember the sacred days, my brothers and sisters. The sacred days of the Bathurst 1000, the 24 Hours of Le Mans, and others. For it is on these days that we as hoons may celebrate and come together and bask in the glory of our Hoonitarian Hooniversalism.

    Amen. Praise be to Murilee.

    • Smells_Homeless

      Oh no you don't. One of the cornerstones has to be "I didn't do it." Commandment 9, as you have presented it here, would seem to contradict that.

      • Being a more universalist religion, we can adopt the Islamic view and say that anyone who is not a Hoonitarian Hooniversalist is an infadel, in which case it is ok to say, "I didn't do it." This is particularly useful when pissing off neighbors during all night wrenching sessions.

        • Smells_Homeless

          Ah. Okay then, I approve.

    • name_too_long

      Being as Hoonitarian Hooniversalism is a living, growing religion I shall amend your list:

      2 "You shall make for yourself an idol, preferably, in the form of some mechanically driven mode of conveyance though models and memorabilia in resemblance of such conveyance are also acceptable."

      6 "You shall not wreck another hoon’s car, excepting when you are racing and it is unintentional"

      8 "You shall not steal from fellow hoons, unless it's a really hard to find, crucial, part and they've got spares. And even then, you really should tell them about it."

      9 "You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor about your hoonage, provided doing so shall not endanger your legal driving privileges. Really, why lie if you don't have to?"

    • Han_Solex

      Laughing this hard at 8am shouldn't be possible. But then again, Hooniversalists expect the impossible to happen all the time. Like assuming that with enough faith, willpower, and Doritos you can get a Renault Fuego Turbo to run at LeMons. Miracles happen all the time. This is one of them.

  • bzr

    So, the same as every other time I'm working on the CB550 then?

  • My fellow Hoons, can I get a Heal, Toe?

    HEAL, TOE!

    Say it again fellow Hoons.

    HEAL, TOE!

    Say it from the Pits!

    HEAL, TOE!

    Say it in the Garage!

    HEAL, TOE!

    Yes, heal, toe.

  • Alff

    Thine gladiators shall be equipped to turn left … AND right.

  • Alff

    Open thine heart and strengthen thy mind..
    For a strong mind and a closed heart reveals a Poindexter
    While an open heart and a weak mind yields a Fanboi.

  • acarr260

    Be it Road Atlanta, the Brickyard, or your friendly neighborhood drag strip, we hoons have many hallowed grounds. Go forth and celebrate these places, sacrificing oil, fuel, and a multitude of shattered and otherwise broken parts.

    • The Camronists insist that one must make a pilgrimage sometime in their life to The Holy Shrine of Barber.

      • acarr260

        Then so it shall be.
        I have a feeling that the number of mandatory pilgrimages for the various sects will keep us quite busy. One per year sounds workable to me though.

  • Texan_Idiot25

    Bring out the Holy Penetrating Lube. Oh blessed thee, my can of liquid wrench

    • ptschett

      …as the actress said to the bishop.

  • Alff

    May his touch turn all your WD-40 into PB Blaster.

  • PFG

    Hooniverse isn't the Messiah. Hooniverse is a very naughty boy.

  • Our Father, in Lotus Seven,
    Dinitrolled be our frame;
    Our wankels hum;
    Our Hemis run,
    At idle or when we rev 'em.
    Give us this day our whitworth thread,
    And resurface our bypasses,
    As we avoid roads which camber against us.
    And lead us to gas stations;
    Or tempt us with diesel.

    [For thine is the piston,
    Horsepower and glory,
    for ever and ever.]


    • Preach on, Brother MyEnemy!

      Praise be to Murilee.

    • joshuman

      I may begin to sing now.

    • damnelantra™[!]

      Praise be to Murilee.

    • Amen!


    • Han_Solex

      The Minx is strong with this one, too.

  • zsm

    "they comfort me"

    That is Zen to me. Once I thought I had really messed-up in the garage. I wanted to kick something, but I went and got a beer. Then I sat down and started spinning a socket wrench, it was mesmerizing and soothing. I really liked the sureness of the click clunk when I would put a socket on and then take it right off again. Then I went to put back the tools, and I decided to really clean them and shine them up. And then I was healed.

    • joshuman

      My 3-year-old son spends tens of minutes at a time doing just that.

      • zsm

        And I thought I was the only one who let my kids have a beer to calm them.

        • Deartháir

          You owe me a coffee.

  • Deartháir

    Dear Hoon! How could I have forgotten the Showerbeer!?

  • Just so long as we don't get into any silly debates about how many angels can dance on the end of a camshaft or at what degree positive camber becomes a sin.

  • Number_Six

    Thrice the branded Jag hath mew'd.
    Thrice and once the Hotchkiss whined.
    'Tis time, 'tis time.

    Round about the Veyron go;
    In the poison'd Aztek throw.
    Sebring, that under cold stone
    Days and Nights has thirty-one
    Swelter'd Viper sleeping got,
    Boil thou first i' the charmed pot.

    Double, double toile and trouble ;
    Fire burn and Hooniverse bubble.

  • P161911

    February and March are a holy months and will be celebrated in Florida at the shrines in Daytona and Sebring.

    The Sunday before Memorial day is another holy day and will be celebrated at the shrine in Indianapolis and sometimes Monaco with some heretic sects celebrating in Charlotte.

    The first day of the year the temperature rises above 55 degrees and the sun is shining you are required to lower the top on your convertible or ride you motorcycle, depending on denomination.

    Another holy day is celebrated in June in France.

    • Don't forget 4th June to 10th June for the Isle of Man TT.

      • P161911

        Sorry, I'm just not a familiar with that denomination.

      • Alff

        …where one can forget all about that "Give unto Caesar" bit.

    • joshuman

      Can we change "the sun is shining" to "it isn't raining very hard?"

    • Others include Fiat Tuesday, Nash Wednesday and Goodwrench Friday.

  • Praise be to Murilee.

    • Deartháir

      Am I gonna have to smack you before you knock that off?

      Jeez you can always spot the converted Catholics.


      • The funny thing is, I'm Hoonistant.

    • '76Mini

      There is also Joe Lucas, Prince (Lord?) of Darkness, if you have British Steel.

  • Mr_Biggles

    The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of The Beige and the tyranny of speed limits. Blessed is he, who in the name of open road and the heavy right foot, shepherds the weak through the billowing tire smoke, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of opposite lock. And I will strike down upon thee with great power and furious torque those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the HOON when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

    • Nice, though I would suggest,

      "And you will KNOW my name is the HOON, when I bury my right foot upon throttle!"

  • joshuman

    Why do you think that he is a witch?
    Well, he turned me into a newt

    • Well, I got better.

      • FuzzyPlushroom

        I was going to say, I never pictured either of you as being remotely newtlike.

  • damnelantra™[!]

    so who gets the tax exemption status?

    • Smells_Homeless

      You were the first to ask, so I guess it's you. Smart guy.

  • I can't wait until one of us appeals a speeding ticket or other suitably hoonerific ticket to the Supreme Court on freedom of religion grounds.

    Someone get the ACLU on the phone!

  • Lex

    I nominate May 10 as a Hooniversal holiday.

    Praise be to Murilee.

  • From the Hoonitarian Hooniversalist translation:

    1 Hoonistians 13:13: We continually remember before our God the Hoon your work produced by horsepower, your labor prompted by torque, and your endurance inspired by LeMons.

    Praise be to Murilee.

    • damnelantra™[!]

      and also with you.

  • Deartháir

    The Grateful What-Now?

    • I saw a Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac the other day.

      I didn't look back. (You should never look back.)

      • I'd rather see a Dearthair sticker on a double cab…but that's just me.

        • Deartháir

          I think I need my own stickers, dammit. Just to feed my already-excessive ego.

    • FuzzyPlushroom

      I don't know.

      …Maybe it was the roses?

  • scroggzilla

    By the way, is it ok for Hoonitarians to worship Golden Bulls?
    <img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2729/4382170997_1f95d0da46_z.jpg"&gt;

  • Deartháir

    Bathurst, and the Nurburgring.

  • Most hilarious thread ever…

    • Lex


  • The Minx, her head asplode today…

  • Praise be to Murilee.

    • Murilee is not to be praised! She is but a voice in the wilderness, crying "Make curvy the way of the Hoon!"

  • name_too_long

    Driving beige is not in and of itself a sin, for such act to be sin it must be driven in a beige manner.

    Neigh, the car is not the sin, one may drive a most holy of cars but if smoke nor sound never emanates from it's tires the driver is most well and truly sinful.

  • The only thing we seem to be missing is a call to prayer hoon.

    [youtube XPkjxENPdAY http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPkjxENPdAY youtube]

      • Smells_Homeless

        No no no. That's not the call to hoon, that's the Hoonangel heralding the coming of the great burnout on Hoonsmas Eve. Hoonsmas Eve being that most hoony of nights when all the most devout hoons declare their undying hoonanism in one mass unison burnout before heading home and helping the young hoons to hang their Nomex headsocks on the garage door to be filled with Hot Wheels by the Great Lutz, who will enjoy his offering of gin and cigars before heading on to the next good Hoonaversalist home to repeat the process.

        Man, I love Hoonsmas.

        • There is some serioiusly funny stuff in this whole thread, but this…this really made me laugh.

          Oh, and I love Hoonsmas, too. Best. Holiday. EVAR!

          • Every year we sit around the TV and watch the Trooper Who Stole Hoonsmas. When they get to the part where the Trooper has taken all the Hoon-Cross-Rams and Anti-Roll-Hoon-Bars from Hoonville, but still hears the Hoons down in Hoonville doing burnouts…and the narrator explains how his cajones grew two sizes that day…I could still just about tear up.

            • there goes my beer all over the keyboard

          • ptschett

            On the first day of Hoonsmas my true love gave to me,
            A motorcycle in a wheelie!

            On the second day of Hoonsmas my true love gave to me,
            Two burnout stripes,…

            On the third day of Hoonsmas my true love gave to me,
            Three Citroens,…

            On the forth day of Hoonsmas my true love gave to me,
            Four new tires,…

            On the fifth day of Hoonsmas my true love gave to me,
            Five sets of rings!

  • coupeZ600

    I believe I'm having my first truly religious experience, unlike all those others I claimed were.

  • newedgeperformance

    Speedweeks @Daytona and Memorial Day Weekend (Indy 500, 600@ Charlotte, plus all the local races) should be the "high holy-days"!

    Tony D

  • bzr

    Automotive polygamy? I can get behind THAT! Well, not that way.

    • FuzzyPlushroom

      As of yesterday, indeed, I am wedded to two vehicles – both of them deserving in their own right.

  • RichardKopf

    And the devil shall drive a Cadillac Cimarron, and his minions beige 1997 Malibus!

  • Deartháir

    Wow. Glad to see everyone brought their A-games today. Good hustle everyone. Well done.

  • Van Sarockin

    Blasphemers! I see no sacred texts by Hemmings, Ken Purdy, LJK Setright, or Peter Egan. Prepareth to meet thine Maker, or maybe have a slow leak in the right front…

    • Deartháir

      We are always willing to face enlightenment, or to incorporate the teachings of new prophets. We are an inclusive New Religious Movement.

    • name_too_long

      We're still working out the official canon… and pretty much everything else actually.

      Suggestions are welcomed.

    • Though I consider myself a strict Camronist, I have no trouble accepting Eganist philosophy. I find Setright's ultraorthodoxy, on the other hand, needlessly legalistic and divisive.

  • Qurtyslyn

    Praise be to the Great Lord of Hoon, blessed be that I may pilgrimage to that Holy Land known as the Salt Flats of Bonneville. In the 8th month, shall we gather together as Hoons in celebration of Hooniversalism, And it shall be known as Speed Week, And according to the precepts put forth, no Hoon shall smite one another, but progress together, towards that most sacred of goals, that of the Land Speed Record. Hoons of all nations, of all cylinders, Yea from the mighty W-Sixteen, down to the Single Cylinder Two Stroke, shall sing praises unto thy name.

    Praise be to Murilee

  • Deartháir

    As a member of the American Motors Brotherhood, believe me, I know. I think it's more that everyone is against us. It hurts my heart every time I see a generic Chev 350 stuffed into a classic Rambler or Nash.

    • Yea, that's not kosher.

    • Mike_the_Dog

      Amen, Brother.

      Praise be to Saint George of Kenosha…

  • FЯeeMan

    For a bunch o' heathens, y'all know a lot of scripture!

    Well done!!

  • Han_Solex

    The Minx is strong with this one.

  • BrianTheHoon

    Holy crap! I'm away for a few days and we've now formed a new religion?

    Ok – I'm in … but there's NO WAY I'm gonna be Pope Dearthair's alter boy!

    Just so we're clear.

    Oh and Praise be to Murilee

  • Target29

    As i have been sick for a week, I required the laying on of wrenches (or wenches – I was too sick to tell) to heal (and toe).

    I believe I am of the Hoonistentialist branch defined by the great Orator Popeye – "I yam what I yam and therefore I yam!"