Hooniverse Asks- What Should Murilee Martin’s Great American Novel Be About?
We all know that Murilee Martin has been Jalopnik’s Freak Flag for the past four years. Many of you also know him as one half of the 24-Hours of LeMons judiciary, a position requiring an unimpeachable character, and Serpico-era facial hair. But what you may not know is that Murilee, along with being all those things – as well as a saucy minx – is also a celebrated novelist.
His first tome – Torment Incorporated – is most accuratly equated in tonality to Kazuo Ishiguro’s Remains of the Day, or perhaps something Susan Sarandon might read. To this day, Oprah kicks herself for not including it on her book list, and now it’s too late. You’re probably well aware that Murilee has, in the course of this past summer, taken on a paradigm shift in life, having gotten hitched, moved to Colorado, and left the warm confines of Jalopnik for once again the cold, brutal world of novel writing.
Now, for those who know Murilee intimately, you’re probably picturing some sort of rambling screed or Unibomber® manifesto, written in tinted urine and madly scribbled using a quill made from fingernails and a rat’s severed claw. Nothing could be further from the truth, and in fact, I have it on good authority that Murilee’s new novel won’t be transcribed from secret anarchistic codes spread throughout the last 4 years worth of Down on the Street posts, but a from a fresh perspective on life and a new found fervor for both writing and the Denver Rockies liberal policy on outside burritos in the park.
The big challenge facing every burgeoning novelist however is not tone and flow but subject matter, and that’s where you all can help. What we need you to do is to provide Muilee with some prime fodder for the next Great American Novel, what do you think it should be about? So, put your thinking caps on and give it it up for old Muril’ it’s the least we could do after all these years, and all those late night junkyard fantasies.
Image sources: [Amazon.com, Jalopnik.com]
Related posts:
The mass exodus of Jalopnik faithful to Hooniverse now that their best writer has left. Honestly, 90% of what they have now is just to get headlines and page views, there is very little actual good writing or stories anymore. With Murilee leaving, Jalopnik has just jumped the shark.
Poweglides of Wrath
To Kill a Superbird
The Great Fratzog
The Catcher in the Ramcharger
Bartleby the Scrambler
Chrysler and Punishment
The Datsun Also Rises
Clash of the Titans
Dial "M" for Penalty Laps
Dante's Fiero
Red Tatra Rising
Clear and Present Rebuild
Grapes of Ratchet
The Last Air-Grabber
Heh, nice!
Garbage, LeMons, Broken: An Eternal Bold Race
Catch 2.2
Bonfire of the Valiants
Old Man and the CVCC
A Tale of Two Chevies
Maybe even a Lord of the Citroens trilogy
A Confederacy of Dodges
A Farewell to A-Arms
Rootes (Supercharger)
Lord of the Flywheels
Jurassic Parking Brake
Riki Tiki Tatra
The Call of Cthubaru
The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy …but like a Ford Galaxy
Life, the Hooniverse, and Everything
Zen and the art of picking the low hanging fruit
Project Car Hell or: How I Learned to Love Junkyards
Freakignitions: A Rogue Gearhead Explores the Hidden Side of Everything
Mistress Martin's Project Car Dungeon …?
Hairy Blogger and the Combustion Chamber of Secrets
Hairy Blogger and the Odor of the Junkyard Phoenix
Hairy Blogger and the Prisoner of Dajiban
WIN
Absolutely.
Mr. Gasket Goes To Washington
or
Facial Hair Care For Females
Robin Shaker Hood
Bribes and Prejudice
Crapcans: A Tale of Too Shitty
The NSU Prinz and the Pauper
Oliver Twisted Frame
Jalopnik jumped the shark way back when Jonny left–or maybe even Davey? DAF vs. FAF was the high point for me. Murilee's tenure was always an anomaly, like a band's best album coming after the breakup. (That's not to say I won't treasure my PCH shirt always, even if the wife won't let me wear it.)
To Kill a Thunderbird
Fahrenheit 911 [GT3]
Dirk Gently's Hoonistic Detective Agency
Cars?
Blown trannies and the impact and assimilation of dead hookers into modern American society.
How about something along the line of Mickey Spillane? "Cold Hookers in the Trunk"
LeMons Harlequin Romance. One woman's tortured choice between two men – the rough-and-tumble amateur racer with the wry sense of humor and mad wrenching skills or the powerful, flirtatious editor of the automotive property of a large internet media empire. SPOILER ALERT: Her choice is made for her when she discovers that she doesn't have enough tailpipe to attract one of them.
LeMons murder mystery / detective novel. I would read that.
Most of the setting should involve either junkyards or racetracks. Maybe a sort of low budget Dirk Pitt. Instead of Duesnbergs, Auburns, and Voisins the hero could drive Cimmarons, Gremlins, or Yugos. The archeology of junkyards to find old clues that tie in to the modern mystery. Maybe include a giant conspiracy too.
I'm thinking something like the end of "My Cousin Vinny" where a murder charge is overturned using knowledge of Positraction.
The survival of the unfulfilled American dream.
I've got a few ideas:
- A children's book about the last Panther-body police car, serving in Duluth
- The mysterious disappearance of a famous German tuner and his subsequent bearded reappearance at LeMons with a $500 Porsche Cayenne on a salvage title
- The tale of how a 1950s Oldsmobile hood ornament made it from a factory in Detroit to a mantlepiece in Boulder, CO
I would like to see something in a Carl Hiaasen vein.
My wife goes to Albuquerque on business fairly regularly, and brings back a cooler-full of rockin' burritos every time she goes. Bless her.
A small "fringe" Internet blog breaks the news: the long-thought-lost '68 AMC AMX-GT concept car has been "discovered" in a derelict state in a junkyard in the Bay Area. Just as the news breaks, the yard owner mysteriously disappears. But when Denver auto mechanic and part-time private eye Phil Montego hears a frantic, cryptic message on his answering machine from one of the blog's contributors, he gets a hunch that the find—and the website's "scoop"—is not what it seems. He sets out to find the truth, on a trail that leads all the way to Kenosha, and then to France, where he uncovers an underground cache of classic cars and the truth behind the 1986 assassination of Renault boss Georges Besse.
Along the way he meets and becomes friendly with an attractive daughter of a Wisconsin auto dealer who knows more than she lets on, and has her own agenda…
Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!
"It was a dark and stormy night…"
Winner of the 2011 Bulwer-Litton Award.
Chevelle, Chevelle: A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Midsize to Mediocrity.
You, kind sir, made my afternoon.
A story about a race car driver that loses all the time, begs for money, begs for sponsors, begs for a ride, begs for help and some how manages to actually get behind the wheel.
The greatest burrito I ever had was in Colorado…
I was on my honeymoon, and we were driving from Las Vegas to spend a couple of days in Colorado Springs. We camped the previous night in Pike National Forest, the two of us huddled in a tent listening to the wind ripping down the mountain. we did the obligatory drive up Pikes Peak, then hiked around Helen Hunt Falls. On the way into Co.Springs, we stopped at a Mexican restaurant that was housed in a converted fast food chain building (I have know idea what it used to be, but the paint was generally blue).
As all of my prior Mexi-food experience was Taco-Bell based, I ordered two of the burritos, and was greated 5 minutes later with seemingly 10 lbs of re-fried beans, guac, and cheese. They were unbelievably delicious, but myself, and my dear bride definitely paid the price that evening for my indulgence. Reflecting upon that evening, I can say with conviction that it was totally worth it.
I'm more autistic than artistic, so expression of fiction isn't my strong suit. I'll leave the creativity up to Phil!
Actually, the novel was originally intended to be a total wank book (Torment was a big seller for them), but then I got my contract from London and they were going to pay me £100 less for it. So, I took my outline, de-pornified it to a certain extent, and now it's going to be the Great Hayward Street Racing Novel.
Since my years doing hard-copy shop manuals have prepared me to do all the prepress crap myself, I'll get it printed on the shittiest possible pulp paper and sell it myself. I'll make a PDF available for free e-book reading, of course, but I know all my stalkers will want the signed, numbered print editions.
I'm too lazy to be a stalker.
Isn't that the point of Facebook? Also still thumbing up every comment I see, just to see what happens.
Yea, me too…but maybe it's a percentile thing, and can only reach 100 theoretically. Like the speed of light.
Ah, that makes sense. I tried unsuccessfully to find online reviews of Torment. I guess it's hard to type with one hand.
Would you expect anything less from your (ADD PLURAL NOUN HERE)?
Can you sign them with motor oil instead of pen ink?
Can you spray a "bribed" logo on mine?
I want "Sabine Schmitz has bigger balls than me". I still wish I'd bribed Phil to spray it on my daily-driver.
I for one would like to know what happens when Hayward Street Racers show up at an Oakland sideshow.
So "Torment" is pure smut? The excerpt you used to have on your website (the part about the robo-Nixon and the banana moonshine) made it sound a lot more nuanced than just smut.
I was thinking the exact same thing. Either the mythical 100mpg carburetor or the engine that runs off water. Most of the clues/evidence would be found in assorted junkyards or backwoods car rusting places. Actually the X-Files spin-off Lone Gunman did an episode on the car that runs off water.
Road trip novel, set in Nixon's last presidential days. Call it "Into the Malaise" or something similar. I'd buy it.
Somehow, I think the word "burritos" was a euphemism for, um, something else that is popular (and tolerated) in Colorado.
Right-wing fundamentalism?
How about "Leaving Alameda: Picking up where Hunter S. Thompson left off"
There's something about Colorado that attracts crazy writers, don't cha' think?
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
at least we have Chipotle…
Oh, I know you didn't just say "Chipotle." That's not a burrito; that's a tasteless sack of rice no habitante del sudoeste would recognize. I will have to share a "green regular" from my wife's secret, locals-only ABQ source to get your properly learned.
Speaking of which, when are we going to have the KC Hoon-meet?
I could think of a few movie ideas.
LeMons it opens with 5 minutes of grinding on the starter trying to get the car to start and then 10 minutes of the car coughing and sputtering around the track before any dialog.
The Imperial Strikes Back.
Good Night Hoon.
I have a sweet MS-paint'd image i did by I'm not internet savy enough to post it here. Just use your imagination. It's awesome.
I can see it now, the unicorn was a nice touch.
San Diego !Sobre todos!
(uber alles didn't seem appropriate)
Santana's, Albertos or most of all Cotixan California Burritos will change your world.
…until you discover carne asada fries, that is.
Carne asada fries? Sounds as if they might be a lot like the batter-fried steak strips at Wrangler in Idaho Falls, Idaho. The most wonderful way to harden your ateries…eh-var!
<img src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/92/231496350_a02f1555f9.jpg" width="360">
In your part of the world, one can get better Mexican off the roach coach than we can at most restaurants.
I have had numerous great burritos all over New Mexico. However, the best chimichanga (deep fried burrito) I have ever had is the "double barrel chimichanga" at El Sombrero in Las Cruces, NM. You can get one with ground beef, shredded beef or shredded chicken. It is their special on Monday, and after a hard marketing class, my friends and I would hit the sombrero up. Sure, it was 10,000 calories, but I was young and care free. Jesus, my mouth is salivating now.
A dog-racing, Cadillac themed crime thriller The Hounds of the Coupe De Villes.
Oh, I'm sorry that was terrible. It's way past my bedtime.
I think it should be about my collection of short lengths of wire. I keep it in this drawer…
I just learned from a friend last night that the Wranger restaurant closed a while back, and their delicious batter-fried steak strips are gone.
I has a sad…and one less reason to move back to Idaho.