Because let’s face it, you’ll never be Batman. Don’t let the inspired ad copy fool you: you can sit in the Corvette-chassis’d 1990s Tim Burton Batmobile all you want, making vroom-vroom noises and generally embarrassing yourself in front of your wife and kids (“it’s ok Sally, Daddy’s having one of his ‘moments’”), but you’ll never be mumbly yet intimidating like Batman or charming and suspiciously single like Bruce Wayne. (Just why does he keep Robin around, anyway?)
But sometimes, a man needs to rise up and take charge of his own life, much like a superhero does. And if your vigilante credo involves heaping amounts of two-stroke power and an ability to repel small arms fire, then hoo boy, have we got just what you’re looking for.
Clocking in at 18,000 pounds and 28 feet, and featuring air suspension, hydraulic cab and engine access, a Detroit Diesel 2-cycle fire boat engine good for 1000 horsepower and enough torque to throw off the orbit of Jupiter, The Screamin’ Eagle looks like the cross between a praying mantis, a Kenworth C501T road train, and Truckasaurus.
It is the brainchild of master fabricator Jack Holt, who is clearly the sort of curmudgeonly, pissed-off old man who won’t think twice about ramming his size-9 Instride Sure Step extra-wide orthopedic shoe right into some kid’s crotch. Tapping into our 8-year old Hot Wheels fantasies, Holt had originally designed it as a vehicle to crash through walls and knock lesser machines out of the way. The stuntman who it was originally commissioned for later bailed, “a Paris Hilton flake,” as Holt tells it—perhaps more interested in self-preservation than manhandling something so batshit insane.
Can’t see why, though—it IS bulletproof, according to Holt, who finished the project at the tune of over $100k and 3700 hours of labor. After all, he must have reasoned, presumably during his 6th glass of Maker’s Mark, if you’re going to build a vehicle that can crash through buildings with aplomb, why not go all the way? (This also seems to be a recurring trend.) If the police supervillain henchmen become too overwhelming, just hide out in the rear bunk bed and play Yahtzee until the heat blows over.
Alas, this vehicle may not be for everyone. Not everybody can drive a 28-foot long coffin with airbrushed eagles and the two-stroke blat of God’s Own Cuisinart. But if you’re Batman’s lesser-known brother who was raised on a steady diet of rotgut, Kenny Chesney albums, denim jackets and Hardcastle and McCormick, then here’s your ride.